Idol Wrap Up: 2/23/10

Hello Idol worshippers, and welcome back to the Fifth Judge’s blog. Let’s forgo the pleasantries and address the elephant in the room… How shall we go on without PAULA? After watching week after week of auditions, then Hollywood week, I have come to the conclusion that this show will never be the same (and by “the same” I mean “as good”). No offense to Ellen – I love Ellen, but there are three things I value most in an Idol judge, and she has none of them. 1.) She’s not dumb; 2.) She’s not medicated; and 3.) She’s not crazy. I can’t work like this. I will say, however, that she is the pick of the litter based on the parade of “guest judges” who suffered through the auditions. Avril Lavigne and her weird hood with the devil ears? She was useless and bizarre. Katy Perry? What a bitch. I love Kristin Chenoweth, but she and Kara were like drunk sorority girls at a frat party. And to top it off we had Doogie Howser and a wax replica of Posh Spice that they actually expected us to believe was a real person. Yes, the animatronics were amazing, but come on, real people aren’t that shiny.

So it is with a heavy heart that I soldier on. Alrighty then, let’s start with the judges. I’m happy to see some things never change. Simon for example, has had the courtesy to wear that same itchy-looking gray sweater he has worn since season one. Continuity, people. That’s what I’m talking about. Randy is still relatively the same. Kara has embraced her inner Snookie and is sporting a Bumpitz up-do. Have you noticed that Kara has gotten sassier, too? I think the departure of Paula has brought out the alpha female in her. It’s not a good color on you, Kara. And then there’s Ellen. Sober, articulate Ellen, who is wearing no feathers, no tight, slutty clothing, no offensively large jewelry. Are you feeling my pain people? I will say that her outfit makes her look a bit like a Century 21 agent. I would so buy a condo from her. And with that top button unbuttoned, she does look a little slutty in an “Insurance Executives Gone Wild” kind of way. I’m reaching. I know.  And on to the singers…

Paige Miles: I had almost forgotten about the dreaded intro video, but there it was. Let’s recap the valuable information we learned from the intro. She shares with us that as a preschool teacher, she used to, “wipe snot off kids’ noses.” I see. Umm, the red light on the camera means it’s RECORDING. Filter people. Filter! She then tells us that her highlight so far has been performing with Michael Jackson’s backup singers. Now, I can see how that is a highlight for her, but I’m wondering what kind of disappointment those backup singers feel – I bet a year ago when they were MJ’s backup vocalists, they never dreamed that within a matter of months they’d be backing up Paige Miles, snot wiper extraordinaire. How do you fall so far? Now they know how Martha Stewart felt after they did the body cavity search and handed her the orange jumpsuit. Anyway, Paige sang “Alright Now.” The judges loved it overall. I didn’t quite get their enthusiasm. I thought it started weak, then stayed weak overall. What did I miss? Simon said she has the best voice of all the girls, but the song was not original. Kara also loved it. Randy said “great job.” Ellen loved it, too. Then, thanks to Ryan’s hard-hitting investigative journalism, we discover that, due to the uncooperative design of her outfit, Paige has been “waiting to pee” for five hours. So, to kick off the season, the very first real contestant managed to mention both “snot” and “pee” in the four minute span between the intro video and the wrap up interview? I think we’re setting the bar pretty high here, folks. Oh yeah, it’s on. Bottom line: I wasn’t blown away, but I think all those bodily fluids will help her slide into the second round.

Ashley Rodriguez: She’s a Boston girl, so I like her already. So Ashley sang “Happy” and I thought she was okay. The judges were less than happy. Kara had mixed comments. Simon thought it was clumsy. Blah, blah, blah. I thought they were a little harsh. Bottom line: I think she deserves another shot.

Janell Wheeler: Before she even performs she is my absolute favorite based solely on the fact that she sells wine for a living. How bad can she be? Janell sang “What About Love?” and did an okay job, I thought. She wore a flowing, purple, off-the-shoulder-Flashdance-inspired blouse, and tight shimmery pants. Maybe I’ve been watching too much of the Olympics, but I thought she looked exactly like a figure skater. Randy liked it okay, Ellen thought she “moved easily on stage” (it’s the skates I tell you). Simon said he liked moments, but it was a bad song choice. Kara said the song was too big for her. Bottom line: I hope you brought along some wine samples, it might be a rough night.

Lilly Scott: We learn that Lilly has been living out of her car and singing on the streets. Yikes. Anyway, Lilly sang “Fixing a Hole” and did a good job, I thought. It was indeed different, but interesting. She’s got a unique look, too. With the white hair and green dress she looks like the love child of Andy Warhol and the Lucky Charms Leprechaun. It’s odd. Bottom line: I hope her vocal will be good enough to “fix the hole” she dug with her outfit. I think she’ll get through this round.

 Katelyn Epperly: Katelyn sang “Oh Darling.” I think she has a good voice, but the performance was a little weird. She was dressed like a drag queen with overly big, curly, Sammy Hagar hair. I kind of agree with Kara about the look being too old for her. Ellen thought it felt pushed, but she had a great voice. Randy liked her vibe. In regard to Kara’s feedback Ryan asked Katelyn, “What was the word bubble in your head?” Kara said she knew what the word bubble was: “bitch.” Katelyn denied it, but now that you mention it, that was my word bubble. Maybe Kara’s new Bumpitz are enabling her to read minds. Bottom Line: I don’t care either way.

Haeley Vaughn: Another dismal failure of an intro video. She informs us that her mom promised her a nose piercing if she made it to Hollywood. Well, guess what? She made it! And we are treated to footage of the actual, honest to goodness, rubber-glove-covered-finger-up-her-nose procedure. Where’s Paige with that snot rag when you need her? The piercing, she explains, is to acknowledge and celebrate her making it to Hollywood. I shudder to think what will be pierced should she crack the top 12. No video footage, please. On to the performance… What is the outfit? Is she making her first communion? Vocally strange. The judges were of mixed opinion, but overall not enthused. Bottom line: If she were an Olympic event, she would be the Downhill.

Lacy Brown: So disturbing to learn in the intro video that she narrowly missed the cut last year when it came down to a choice between her and Megan Joy “I can’t sing a note” Corkrey. Poor kid. Lacy sang “Landslide” and it didn’t really work. The whole look was bad, from the outfit made out of curtains from a roadside diner, to the green tank, and matching green shoes. She also did this weird rocking thing throughout the whole song, like she really had to tinkle (it’s kind of a theme tonight). Not a fan of the Heat Miser hairdo either. I felt bad for her, she seems sweet, and can probably do better than that. The judges were not very kind either. Bottom line: I think she’s in a bit of trouble.

Michelle Delamor: She sang “Falling” and sounded pretty good. The shirt is unfortunate. It billows out in the back, which makes it look like she’s wearing a fanny pack. I guess you never know when you’re going to have to access your rain poncho and your chapstick. Ellen and Simon liked it, mostly. Kara said she lacked believability. Randy told her to take some risks. Bottom line: I hope she packed a change of clothing in that fanny pack, because I think she’ll make it through.

Didi Benami: She sang “The Way I Am.” I had a knitted poncho like that in the seventies, but she’s wearing it as a vest. I kind of agree with Simon that a lot of these girls look/sound alike, and once the show is over I won’t be able to distinguish one from the other (unless you refer to her as the one wearing the bathmat, then I’ll know). She had mixed reviews. I think Randy summed it up best when he said there was no oomph. Bottom line: You could be in trouble, Didi. No one wants an American Idol who looks like Rainbow Brite.

Siobhan Magnus: She’s a Cape Cod girl, so I like her already, but I get the impression she’s kind of dumb. When Simon referred to her as a dark horse she had no idea what that meant. I LOVE the dumb ones. They make me happy. And it’s delightful listening to Ryan try to pronounce her name. I’m pretty sure he just introduced her as Cinnebon. Her song choice of “Wicked Game” was unexpected. Vocally I thought she was pretty good, and the judges liked her overall. Bottom line: Well done, Soybean.

Crystal Bowersox: I have mixed feelings about Crystal. I quite liked her during the Hollywood rounds, and I think she’s very talented. Having said that, I’m concerned about her dental health. It’s distracting, and I think it will make her less appealing to the masses. Anyway, she sang “Hand in my Pocket” and did a respectable job, but it felt like it was at a level far below her potential. Kara said she’ll be here next year, next week, next year, next week. I think the Bumpitz is pressing on her brain. Bottom line: A lot of potential here, and I would be very surprised if she didn’t get through.

Katie Stevens: Alright now. She’s a cute girl, and seems sweet, but enough with the grandmother. Every freakin’ time she is on camera we are reminded that her grandmother has Alzheimer’s. We know. Yes, it’s sad, and I’m sorry, but enough. I don’t know anything else about her. I can’t even remember if she can sing or not. So let’s focus on her talent. Katie sang “Feeling Good.” She has a good voice, but I hated her on that song. Nina Simone she is not. The judges are correct – the look and performance are way too old for a 17-year-old. Ellen said she was great, but would rather see her do a current song. Simon agreed. Kara said she was pitchy. Randy reminded her she could only be 17 once. Not true, Katie, I’ve been 29 for years. Bottom line: I could take her or leave her. If she stays, she’d better kick it up a notch.

So that was it? Boring. For all the hype about how good the girls are this year, I’m still waiting to be blown away. Honestly, I thought that was pretty dull. And did I mention how much I miss Paula? Here’s hoping that someone steps up and makes this season worth watching.

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2 Responses to “Idol Wrap Up: 2/23/10”

  1. crm Says:

    I love Ellen..the show that is, not Ellen the idol judge. Her comments were so vanilla, not funny, not enlightening

  2. Yang Habben Says:

    hey this blog is great. I’m glad I came by this blog. Maybe I can contribute in the near future. PM ME on Yahoo AmandaLovesYou702

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