American Idol Wrap Up 3/3/10

Okay, so it’s ladies night. Quick review of the judges… Randy continues to rock the cardigan, although this one has a strange little heart on it – and the heart has eyes, and it’s staring at me. Ellen once again has been rifling through Simon’s wardrobe and is wearing not only his itchy black sweater, but also his white dress shirt (accessorized with an ascot, naturally). Well that leaves Simon with some long underwear – gray of course – which should be worn only by elderly mountain men named Zeke. And Kara is wearing some weird scarf that looks like the track where you race those little Hot Wheels cars.  Oh, and a giant ring that may have come from the Paula Abdul collection. No, maybe it’s a stamp of some sort. Is she a notary? Yes, I think she must be. I’m sure that comes in handy when she has to notarize the legal documentation resulting from the various sexual harassment claims that are undoubtedly filed against her. Ryan correctly points out (as I did yesterday) that Kara has been overly affectionate with Simon – to which she plays dumb, but then engages in an uncomfortable come hither exchange that results in him declaring, “you want me,” and her not denying it. Ick.  Note that they continue to be all over each other throughout the show.

Crystal Bowersox: I am annoyed that they don’t tell us why she was in the hospital. I know it’s not my business, but my inner Mrs. Kravitz is DYING to know. Whatever. Intro video: Crystal has a twin brother. And carries trinkets for luck. Awesome. She’s also kind of funny and mocks Simon, which I like. She sings “As Long as I Can See the Light” and I think she’s great. Randy is up first and says something that is SO Paula it actually startles me: “To me, in life, truth is reality, right? But what I mean by that is you are the truth, you do what you do” (and then some other crap). What the hell are you saying Randy? Translation: he loved it. Ellen said it was pure, raw, natural talent. Kara said she recovered from last week’s performance of “You Oughta Know” (which, by the way, she never sang). Simon said they’ve got a serious artist here. And he is pimping her HARD. Bottom line: Give me an I.V. drip of whatever she’s having, ‘cause it’s working.

Haeley Vaughn: Is that a poinsettia in her hair? Merry Christmas, Haeley. Let’s unwrap that intro video… Her “something we don’t know” tidbit is that she makes hair accessories, and apparently can’t not smile. She sings “The Climb” while ironically plunging to her showbiz death. Randy called it excruciating. Ellen said it didn’t work out. Kara said she was real, but needed a year to strengthen her instrument. Simon said it was a complete and utter mess. Bottom line: She seriously needs to go now.

Lacey Brown: She likes to refurbish antique furniture. And before each performance she gives herself a Jerry Maguire mirror pep talk. She sang “Kiss Me” and was quite good (by wedding singer standards), not so good by professional standards. Randy thought it was karaoke. Ellen thought it was adorable. Kara said she has a unique tone, but she has to step it up. Simon said we wouldn’t remember it. Bottom line: She seems sweet. I’ll miss her. If I remember her that is.

Katie Stevens: So her fascinating tidbit about herself she reveals in the intro video is… She can say “Give me a kiss” in six languages. Um, sweetie, if you are going to learn to say anything in six different languages, the most practical thing to know is, “Where is the bathroom?” Followed closely by, “Please make that a frozen margarita.” Or given your penchant for kissing strangers, perhaps, “Where can I find the topical ointment?” She sang “Put Your Records On” and does indeed have a really good voice, although her facial expressions were sort of sneery and winky (yes, I had to make up not one but two words). Randy said she had a confidence thing, but it was “kinda cool.” Ellen said it feels like she needs to come across as younger. Kara agreed, and was frustrated. Simon thinks she’ll stay around, but it wasn’t a winning performance. Kara suggested that next week she could sing something that was relevant to what’s going on in her life right now. She’s like, a junior in frickin’ high school! Show me a song about dissecting a frog or getting a zit and I’m sure she’ll be happy to sing it. Bottom line: For homework, I would like you to learn how to say, “Shut up, Kara” in six different languages.

Didi Benami: She was the school mascot in middle school before earning a promotion to cheerleader. We even get to see pictures of her dressed as a giant rodent of some sort. Also, before performing she prays and meows. No I’m not kidding, that’s actually what she does. Prays and meows. What is it they say in church, singing once is like praying twice? I wonder what a meow is worth. Yeesh. She also reminds me of Brooke White from a couple of seasons ago – remember her? Tall, pretty, virtuous “good girl” with flowing blonde hair? Whatever happened to her? I think she turned into a unicorn. Anyway, she sang “Lean on Me” and it was strange. She really needs to stick to folk songs. The judges all hated it. Simon correctly pointed out that the meowing was appropriate since she sounded like a cat throughout. Ouch. Bottom line: With her mascot experience, she could certainly get a job at Disney World, or perhaps Chuck E Cheese. In the meantime I will pray and meow for her.

Michelle Delamor: What don’t we know about Michelle? She’s a children’s choir director, and loves the children so very much, and is so sugary sweet and loving that she makes Mary Poppins look like Joan Crawford. If she had held out her hand I guarantee you that a baby bluebird would have landed on it and chirped whimsically. So, before the show she prays and visualizes how she wants it to go. Fascinating. She sang “With Arms Wide Open” and did a decent job.  She is wearing jeans with a wedding dress, and black finger warmers (?). Apparently Cat Woman is getting married. Can I get a ‘meow’ Didi? It didn’t work for Randy. Ellen thought it almost worked. Kara said it was her favorite performance Michelle ever had. Simon kind of agreed, and said it was 80% right. Bottom line: She’s got about seven lives left, so she should be safe.

Lilly Scott: What we don’t know is that she plays several different instruments and uses a throat spray before performing. Seriously, can we stop these horrible intros? Who cares? Anyway, she sang “A Change is Gonna Come.” She actually has a very unique voice and did a quirky, but good version of it. Randy said it was his favorite of the night. Ellen said Lilly had “it.” Kara said Lilly had a “moment” and Kara was riveted. Simon wasn’t as crazy about it as the others, and used the opportunity to campaign for Crystal again. Bottom line: The throat spray is working. Well done.

Katelyn Epperly: The intro video is so useless I can’t even comment. What is she wearing? Does she work the night shift at Caesar’s palace? Whatever. She sings “The Scientist” and does a lovely, subtle performance alone at the piano. I thought it was good. Randy liked it, but thought it was slow. Ellen liked that she played the guitar (cleverly disguised as a piano), but thought it was way too slow. Kara kind of loves her and thinks she’s seriously good. Simon said she’s back in the race, but corny. Bottom line: I think she’s earned another week, and I will have Kara notarize that statement.

Paige Miles: She has coloring books and colors (yes, with crayons) in her down time. Oh dear lord. She sang “Walk Away” and her voice sounded solid. Randy points out that the song was written by Kara, and Kara is BEAMING, although Randy didn’t love the performance. Ellen loved it.  Kara said she shouldn’t have smiled while singing because the inspiration behind the song was a bad relationship and it’s meant to be angry. (Note that while Kara is talking Simon seems to be fondling his own right, well, there’s no other way to say it…nipple. For real. If you DVR’d it, play it back. It’s SO weird.) Simon still doesn’t think she’s choosing the right songs, and she needs to put her mark down. Bottom line: For someone who allegedly has the best voice, she’d better start proving it. And please, PLEASE try to be interesting enough to hold Simon’s attention so he won’t have to resort to touching himself. That I can’t bear.

Siobhan Magnus: Man, she is dumb. When she speaks she reminds me so much of Forrest Gump. But what don’t we know about her? Let’s find out… She had a dream, nay, a MISSION to have a mohawk by the time she was 30, and by golly she made it happen. And they say kids these days are lazy, unmotivated, entitled. Malarkey! Here’s a girl who grabs the bull by the horns. What an inspiration. I have two girls myself, and every night I pray (and meow) that they will each get the haircut of their choice by the time they are 30. That’s when I’ll know I’ve done my job. Dare to dream, my children! As long as those dreams don’t extend past the local salon. I am so filled with love and inspiration, I feel like I could turn into a unicorn! Sigh. She also shares her pre-performance ritual of doing lip buzzes, you know, like toddlers do, when you sort of blow outward and let your lips vibrate in the breeze. Now that’s a sight that will haunt me. Okay, so she sings “Think” and has a strong performance. Sing Forrest, SING! Randy said it was “dope” – perfect word for Siobhan. Ellen said, “Oh man, that was good.” Kara couldn’t figure out how she hit that high note. Siobhan said she learned it from Kelly Clarkson in the shower. Yep. Simon said she was a strange person. Yep. Bottom line: I will pray and meow for you to be here next week. That would be so, umm, dope.

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2 Responses to “American Idol Wrap Up 3/3/10”

  1. Samantha Says:

    Darn, I had just erased it before viewing this recap and was bummed to read about Simon’s nipple-twisting. So funny, my friend, so funny! 😀

    • thefifthjudge Says:

      You have no idea, Samantha. It was like he was tuning a radio. SO strange. Maybe you could find it online somewhere.

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