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American Idol Wrap Up 4/20/10

April 21, 2010

There are three words I dread hearing at the beginning of every show: Inspirational Songs Night. I thought maybe they wouldn’t go there this year. I mean, is it really necessary? But there it was. Well, it must be working, because I have been inspired to open a beer. And the guest mentor is Alicia Keyes – love her. Maybe it won’t be so bad after all. And here we go…

Casey: Casey sang “Don’t Stop.” No, on second thought, feel free to stop. It’s the same problem almost every week, and he’s not getting it. Yes, you’re good, but there’s nothing outstanding about the performance, and nothing I couldn’t see any Saturday night at a local bar. And once again the guitar playing was more impressive than the vocal (and by the way, Casey, it is in fact a vocal competition). I will say this, when the hair is pulled back, he’s kind of hot. Randy said we see the same thing every week and he needs something different. (That’s what I said too, dawg!) Ellen said it was good but not great. Kara said she’s frustrated, although she didn’t specify whether that was related to the performance or the fact that he doesn’t seem interested in her overt cougar-esque advances. Simon thought it was a lazy song choice. Bottom line: On a scale of 1 to 10, my inspiration meter reads about a 4 or 5 (3 if the hair had been down).

Lee: He sang “The Boxer” and did a good, solid job. I really do like Lee, but I was very distracted by the spit strings in his mouth. Eww. Zoom out, cameraman, zoom OUT!  Randy said he was going to have a big career. Ellen said we’re seeing so much soul and depth. Kara said he should keep picking songs he feels connected to. Simon said it was sincere and emotional, and brilliant. Bottom line: The song at least didn’t make me gag, but the spittle sure did. I’ll still give him an 8.  

Back from break and Ryan welcomes Captain Sully to the show – and it looks like they gave him really crappy seats. So much for heroes and inspiration. And why are Simon and Kara dressed alike? Weird.

Tim: So Tim and his hair sang “Better Days,“ and I’ll give him credit for another good song choice – one with limited range to mask the fact that he doesn’t actually have much of a range. And although I make fun of “Inspirational Songs” night, I will begrudgingly admit that l was truly inspired. Seeing that playful mop top again inspired me to log on to Petfinder and adopt a Lhasa Apso. I shall name her Tim and groom her obsessively. Anyway, Randy said the performance just laid there and was just okay. Ellen didn’t like the soup. Kara said it wasn’t his best. Simon said it was a little bit of a letdown. Ryan said at least he was a cool soup, such as gazpacho. Uh huh. I think the problem, Tim, is that you’re really just broth. Bottom line: This soup talk has inspired me to get a snack to go with my beer. And you have inspired me to never eat gazpacho again.

I must admit, the song choices haven’t been too saccharine thus far and inspirational songs night hasn’t made me gag yet like it usually does. (Cue the squeaky clean elf.) Oh right, Aaron is up…

Aaron: “I Believe I Can Fly” (This one’s for you Captain Sully!) So in the intro video, Alicia politely warns that some people might think this “inspirational” song is overkill. (BINGO! Circle gets a square. And I’ll take Shari Lewis and Lambchop for the win!) Ugh. He does have a great voice, but the song just made me want to reverse digest. Randy said he did a good job with such a giant song. Ellen said he handled a tough song really well. Kara said he got there. Simon said he’d have turned it off if he’d heard it on the radio. Bottom line: I want to vomit cotton candy.

Siobhan:  She sang “When You Believe,” and was bold to take on Mariah because the judges seem to hate that. I thought she was vocally very strong, and did it well. The outfit is CRAZY. And the cast of “Fringe” is in the audience again. Oh no, those are her friends. Hmmm.  Randy said it was just okay. Ellen disagreed. Kara said it felt dramatic and doesn’t know who she is. Simon said it was all over the place. I have to say that I like Siobhan’s response about how she didn’t want to be scared away from singing it just because of who it was by. Rock on, Madame Butterfly.  Bottom line: Well, you’re wooden shoes inspired me to book a trip to Holland. The thing in your hair inspired me to adopt a porcupine. And your outfit inspired me to buy a bug zapper (I like butterflies, but not when they attack). Bzzt.

Michael: Big Mike sang “Hero.” It was good, but I’m not jumping out of my seat. Randy said it worked out. Ellen thought he did a great job. Kara said, “You don’t have the tone for that voice.” Huh? Then she ended her “inspirational” feedback with a shrug as she squeaked, “Sorry, oops.” What a pro. Simon thought he sang it pretty well, but was bothered by the fact he sang a song about Spiderman. He’s right. The dark outfit is much better suited for dunanunanunanuna,  dunanunanunanuna, BATMAN! Bottom line:  I’ll give it a 6.7 (“sorry, oops”).

Crystal: She sang “People Get Ready.“ What the hell is with that microphone stand? What is that? A floor lamp? With a spittoon? Lee, I’m pretty sure that’s for you. She really lets loose with the vocal and, surprisingly, gets very emotional at the end of the song. Hold it together, sister. It ain’t Rolling Stones week again, so cool it with the “19th Nervous Breakdown” shtick. Randy gave her a standing O. Ellen said it was so beautiful. Kara started speaking and my DVR cut off (presumably because the programming ran a bit late, but I wonder if that machine just can’t take Kara anymore either). So I didn’t get to see what Kara said, but I’m guessing it was something annoying. And I’m guessing Simon loved it and somehow took credit for it. Bottom line: That was so good I could spit.

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American Idol Wrap Up 4/6/10

April 7, 2010

First things first… apologies for last week. Yes, I bagged the blog. I had neither the time nor the energy. It happens. Actually, this season it happens every week, as I have grown weary of these judges and these alleged “best ever” contestants. Oh well. And we press on…

 So here we go. Cheesy introductions commence, along with the usual nonsense. Ryan announces that the theme will be Lennon/McCartney songs. What a rip off! No actual music mentor, just a videotaped message from Paul McCartney (who, by the way, seemed completely drunk).  Oh, come on! I like having a celebrity mentor who is actually there. I don’t know if you all realize this, but I am a celebrity whore. I am not ashamed to admit that I love celebrities. I like to read about them, I like to gossip about them, but more than anything I like to see them, if possible I like to touch them, and if given the opportunity, dammit I would lick them. There. I said it. So, in light of this information, you will understand why I feel cheated by the lack of a guest mentor. Can’t they get anyone to come to the show in person? I’ll take anyone – even Quentin Tarantino again. I feel cheated, and I type under protest. And just to add salt to the wound, since we don’t have any pre-performance footage to show where we see the contestant getting tips from the mentor, we instead have to suffer through cutesy intro videos that feature clips of the contestants “describing” each other. Whatever, here we go…

 Aaron: He’s first up with “The Long and Winding Road.” And what do the other contestants say about Aaron? Apparently they call him “Yoda” and turn everything he says into a Yoda-esque line, at which point we get to hear a bad Yoda impersonation from pretty much all of them. Boy, that’s not annoying at all. Anyway, the performance was pretty solid, but a little slow. Randy said it was sleepy. Ellen said it felt like a long and winding song. Kara (who is getting on my last nerve) said he needs to up the tempo. Simon asked him why he chose the song, and called him “sweetie.” Weird. Bottom line: Don’t worry sweetie, those tweenies will keep you on this road for at least another few weeks.

Katie: The cutesy behind-the-scenes scoop on Katie is that she’s like a kid sister and she loves to dance. Wow. That was the most riveting piece of journalism I’ve seen since we learned Aaron’s nickname is Yoda. We also learn that she has been inundated with prom invitations. Excellent. She sang “Let it Be” and did a good job. Her vocal was very solid. Randy said it was her best performance ever. Ellen said there’s no way she’ll be in the bottom three. Kara said she was blossoming. Simon said she followed his advice and leaned toward a country style, thus resulting in success. Side note: I HATE when they ask these kids (Aaron and Katie in particular) why they chose the song and what it means to them, and the kids try to give a meaningful response and end up saying something stupid like: I, uh, chose “The Long and Winding Road” because being on the show is like, uh, a long and winding road. Or: Umm, well, I chose “Let It Be” because I really just, umm, need to, like, let things go and just, you know, let it be. Oh for heaven’s sake. That is just useless. Moving on… Bottom line: Although she was really good tonight, she is a frequent bottom dweller, and I think her time could be up at any moment. The good news is that if she’s voted off, she’ll be able to, you know, just, umm, like, let it be.

 Andrew: According to the other contestants, Andrew is the life of the party. Oh what fun. It must be those Yoda impressions. Anyway, he sings “Can’t Buy Me Love.” Pay attention Katie – this is what the prom band will sound like. Not loving this one – and I really do like Andrew a lot. Randy thought it was solid but corny. Ellen loved it. Kara wants to see more. Simon said it was wedding-like and corny. He’s right. Too much back-up band. I think it would have been much more effective with just him and his guitar. And on a side note, Andrew’s hair is way too puffy. I think he’s trying to look taller, but it just looks stupid. Bottom line: He deserves another week, but he really needs to do more. If he puffed up his performance as much as the hair, I think we’d be on to something.

 Michael: Intro video: The others think he’s a big teddy bear, and he has an annoying way of entering a room. He basically bursts in and squeaks out a sort of high pitched “heeeeyaaahh” that makes him look and sound like Mike Tyson stepping on a tack. Boy, I’m so glad I learned that about him. Now I feel complete. Mike sang “Eleanor Rigby.” When it started I was afraid it would be a bit much with the staging and all the strings (self indulgent as Simon would say), but I thought he sang it quite well. Randy loved that he was “feeling himself.” Oh my, I once saw a guy on a subway doing that, but I’m pretty sure he got arrested for it. Ellen thought it was incredible. Kara thought it was “fire.” Simon thought it sounded like it belonged in a musical, and was over the top. Mike took the opportunity to compare pecs with Simon (whose “pecs” are quite vivid tonight under his thin little undershirt). Ick. Really, boys. Ick. Bottom Line: He had me at “heeeeyaaahh.”

 Crystal: So in the intro video we learn that they call her “mama sox,” because as Siobhan explains, “It’s not just because she literally is a mother, but…“ Ok, I totally thought Forrest was going to say, “because she also wears socks.” Didn’t you? Instead she said Crystal has a mothering personality. Fascinating. Crystal sang “Come Together.” Oddly enough, she was accompanied on stage by a fellow playing a didgeridoo. Yes, a didgeridoo – that’s Australian for “I think the cows ate chili for dinner.” Oh what a lovely sound. Gosh that’s soothing. She sounds great, but I think she forgot the lyrics for a second there. None of the judges point it out, though. They quite liked it overall. Bottom line: She picked the dumbest musical accompaniment ever, she forgot the words, and yet she still pulled it off. Now that’s talent.

Tim: So the others share that Tim smiles all the time. We know. We also see that he has Beatles style hair tonight. Uh, yuh. There’s a reason that look has been out of style for over 40 years – it’s ridiculous. He looks like there is a constant, steady current of air that blows his hair to the right all day long. Anyway, He sang “All My Loving” and surprisingly, his performance is not bad. Randy said Tim was in his own category (I think it’s called the “mediocre” category), and it was a good “Tim” performance. Ellen thought he did well. Kara liked the guitar. Simon said he was good, and takes criticism like a man. Bottom line: Keep smiling, Tim. The airline check-in people love that.

Casey: So, the others share that Casey has a big, loud laugh, and his hair is flowing and angelic. Yep. He sang “Jealous Guy” and gave a very emotional, stripped down performance. I HATE the hair down. Get yourself to the barber, Meg Ryan. Take Tim with you. Anyway, I thought this was a great night for Casey – I liked him more than ever. Randy dug it, Ellen was moved. Kara said he showed vulnerability, and generally seemed to enjoy hearing herself talk. Simon said it was the best performance of the night. Bottom line: He should sail on through, wind in his hair, laughing heartily all the way.

Siobhan: It is revealed in the intro video that the others think she’s weird, oh sorry – “unique.” Duh. She sang “Across the Universe” and was clearly very comfortable singing about her inter-planetary travels. In a shocking twist, there is no screaming tonight from Siobhan, which I was very pleased about. The outfit is “unique.” She looks like she’s the bride at roller derby wedding. Strange. Anyway, Randy said it was sleepy, but he liked the tender side. Ellen said she was special. Kara said it was very polite, and she’s trying to process it. Simon said she was unpredictable. Then Ryan brought some crazy stalker up from the audience to give Siobhan a hug. Super. Bottom line: She obviously has Earl the stalker’s vote, so she’ll be fine.

 Lee: We learn that Lee is a worry wart, and thinks he’s going to be voted off every week. Silly Lee, I think he’s confusing himself with Tim. He sang “Hey Jude.” And what’s this? At the end of the song, in what apparently is meant to be a big finale, out marches…a bagpiper? You cannot be serious. The one instrument that’s actually more grating than a didgeridoo. What the hell is going on here? This is apropos of NOTHING. Are they trying to show how artsy and creative they can be? Maybe next week someone could have a man dressed in lederhosen walk out in the middle of the song and start yelling: Riiiiiiicolaaaaaaa. Because that would really prove that we are in the presence of a deep and important artist. I like Lee, I really do, but I did not love this performance. And the bagpiper was completely nonsensical. Randy told Lee to believe. Ellen loved the bagpiper, and loved the performance. Kara said she was a fan. Simon said he didn’t know what they were drinking back at the house, and he wouldn’t have done that. Right on, Simon. Bottom line: Bag the bagpipes, ditch the didgeridoos, and just sing. If you do that, Lee, you might even stop worrying so much.

American Idol Wrap Up 3/17

March 18, 2009

 

Here we go again… So, let’s begin with some notes on last week’s results show. HIGHLIGHT of the night: before introducing the new rule they rolled a video montage of previous non-winning contestants that included approximately 2.9 seconds of footage of my beautiful Michael! He just can’t let me go – I knew it. Anyway, to recap, Jasmine and Jorge are gone (no big surprises there, no tears shed). Kelly Clarkson performed her new song, “My Life, Would Suck, Without You.” That’s a beautiful lyric, is it not?  Actually, it would be a perfect wedding song for me and Michael. Brides-to-be everywhere are clamoring for it, no doubt. It might make a lovely father/daughter dance as well, much catchier than “Butterfly Kisses.” Well done, Kelly. Brava.

 

So enough already with the “new twists.“ Is there a new producer or something who suddenly wants all these stupid changes – new judge, new format, cutesy camera angles – they’ve revamped a lot of things. The show has been enormously successful for years just as is. So why come in and change it all up? After all the hype the big reveal was this: The “Judges’ Save” rule, which as I understand they can use only once the entire season (not once per contestant, but once – period – so spend it wisely); BUT, it must be unanimous. So, if America votes you off in accordance with this voting system (which is really just a marketing scheme for AT&T Wireless), the judges have the option of negating those millions of votes at their whim and “saving” the rejectee so he/she can live to sing another week. So what’s the point of voting? If that’s the case then let’s just forget the singing and the voting altogether and have a Rock/Paper/Scissors smackdown – winner takes all. It’s ON! I’m telling you, this show is moving in the wrong direction. They are one showcase showdown away from becoming the musical version of “The Price Is Right.” Ugh.

 

Back to tonight… the show is about to start and I am all a titter!  (Not really, but I’m hoping if I use the word “titter” my blog hits will increase.) Anyway, may I say I am completely annoyed with the ridiculous new introductions. This calls for a deliberate and exaggerated run-on sentence: I thought the new intro was just for last week’s show – first show on the “big” stage, but apparently every week the judges will do that stupid entrance where they strut out onto the stage and you think for a second you’re watching “The Mod Squad” then they sort of pose for a minute and you think for a second you’re watching “America’s Next Top Model,” then you see Paula’s glorious cleavage and you think no it’s “Rock of Love,” then suddenly you’re  thrown into a panic because you see Ryan coming down the stairs with that new angle on him which has the camera looking up in such a way that makes him look enormous and now you feel like you’re a Japanese pedestrian in a Godzilla movie.  It’s sixty seconds into the show and I am completely disoriented! Anyway, speaking of being all a titter, that is quite a dress Paula is wearing. Is she pressurizing coal in there in hopes of making real diamonds for her jewelry line? Paula, the girls are like plants, they need air and sunlight. Wow. Moving on…

 

And, it’s country night. Rats. As many of you know I am not a country fan. I just do NOT get the whole Grand Old Opry thing and all the hoopla about how it’s such a big deal if you’re asked to become a member. If I had a choice between a membership in the Grand Ole Opry or a Sam’s Club membership, I would happily choose option two. (Who doesn’t get excited about a bottle of Advil the size of a Volkswagon!?) Anyway, history has shown us that country night is often disastrous for Idol contestants, so we’ll see…

 

Michael Sarver: And the bland played on… Good thing he went first, because when he performs in the middle or near the end I just doze off. The song was kind of peppy, but I couldn’t understand a word he said. I know the song is written that way with the words all jammed together, but give me a break – I was just getting reoriented after seeing Ryan’s gigantic shoe crushing down on my head  and now I’m spinning after that dizzying ride on your lyrical tea cups. And again, I don’t think there’s anything special or appealing about him – I put him on my I DON’T GET IT list along with daylight savings time, and taxidermy, and Pauly Shore – I just don’t get it. His voice is pretty good, but millions of people have a “pretty good” voice. Apologies to the Sarver fans, but I don’t think he belongs here. DISCLAIMER: In all honesty I cannot make this stuff up and I SWEAR to you I replayed it three times to get the exact quote, and it’s a dilly! This was what Paula said: “It, to me, allowed to see you having fun which made us have fun, and, it, your artistic ability to take a harmonica player, it added charm, it boosted your confidence and your fun. I thought that this is the genre that is, suits you so well.” Someone is off her meds again – YAHOO! Judges were kind of mixed. Bottom line:  thewordsinyoursongweretooclosetogetheranditreallygotonmynerves. And, P.S. It did not boost my fun or my artistic ability to take a harmonica player.

 

Allison Iraheta: Love her voice, but I wish she’d picked a song that showed off her range. I think Kara started taking whatever meds Paula stopped taking, because Kara said something REALLY stupid. Mind you, she said it enthusiastically and as a compliment:  “I am starting to think that you could sing the alphabet.” Well, duh Kara. Actually I’m pretty sure that every English speaking person on the PLANET over the age of TWO can sing the frickin ALAPHABET! Sing along with me, I think you all know the lyrics, “a…b…C…D…EF…G” I’m pretty sure you meant to say, “you could sing the phonebook,” which is of course the more common showbiz expression. Oh Kara, my dictionary, would suck, without you.  Bottom Line: Definitely solid, quite possibly the best female in the mix. The following is a public service announcement: Illiteracy is rampant in this country and I think we desperately need an Idol who can sing the alphabet. Please vote for Allison for the sake of the children. Won’t you?   

 

Kris Allen: There’s my little squeaky toy. I thought his vocal was good, although I hate to say I found the performance (and/or song I guess) kind of boring. The judges really liked him tonight, so I’m happy for that. He looked good, and really I don’t notice anything beyond that. Bottom Line: Squeak, squeak. I’ll play with you next week.

 

Lil Rounds: Not a good genre for Lil. And seriously, the outfits need work.  Hear me out ladies, so you know when you’re asked to be a bridesmaid and your previously normal friend falls into that wedding vortex that sucks away all of her fashion sense and tricks her into thinking “Butterfly Kisses” is a great song? Then she picks out some hideous bridesmaid’s dress and tells you in all seriousness that the great thing is that you can wear it again? And you think, as what, a Halloween costume, an oven mitt? Well, it seems that Lil takes that to heart, because I’m fairly certain I wore that same dress in a wedding, like, 12 years ago, right before I donated it to a charity serving homeless prom-goers. Sigh. Well, again, her voice is solid, but I’m still waiting to be blown away.  Judges had mixed opinions. Bottom Line: Still a contender for sure, need to amp up the vocal, but the good news is you could SO wear that dress again.

 

Adam Lambert: Uhhhh, WOW.  The intro video was hilarious. Randy Travis was scared to death! What is Adam wearing? He apparently is the lone survivor of some futuristic planetary implosion and is now roaming what was formerly known as earth so that he may destroy all mutants threatening his existence. The arrangement was, umm, unusual. He had a weird snake charmer vibe or something. The music, the sinister tone, the flames on the video screens around Adam, it was like a satanic ritual. I was half expecting to see a human sacrifice, but they probably couldn’t find a virgin (it is Hollywood after all). I’m scared and confused. I was raised Catholic and I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t have watched that. He definitely hit some crazy vocal heights again, but yeesh, that was so weird. I wouldn’t say Johnny Cash was necessarily spinning in his grave, but I suspect he arose from the dead just so he could kill himself again. The judges were mixed – but you have to give Adam some props – it was memorable. Bottom Line: He has such a (pardon the term) “cult” following that I think he’ll get through regardless of one week that was bad (?), strange (?), scary (?), creepy (?).  Just as a precaution I had a priest come by to douse my TV with holy water, so I think that both Adam and my eternal soul are safe for another week.

 

Scott MacIntyre: I do sort of like him at the piano, but let’s be honest, his vocal is not that strong. He’s good, but not phenomenal. Although there is a charm and sweetness about him, and I would like to see him stick around a little longer. The judges were a mess on this one. Paula advised him to come out from behind the piano. Simon told him to keep the piano and ignore Paula. Then they had a little tiff. Poor Scott. Bottom Line: I hope to see him next week with his piano. No, I mean without his piano. No with it. No, I mean without it. Oh never mind. 

 

Alexis Grace: Hmm, not bad, but not terrific. I didn’t think it was a very strong performance, and I was not crazy about the song. And may I say that I am really sick of the judges telling her she should “dirty it up” and go back to the whole sex kitten vibe she was going for in the past. First of all, she looks like she’s ten. I don’t think she’s even gone through puberty yet, she looks like one of those poor pimped out children in those awful “Little Miss Trailer Park” pageants. I know she can pull off the vixen vocal, but the “dirty” look the judges want to see is SO disturbing on someone who looks so freakin YOUNG. Bottom Line: Dear Alexis, I don’t think you had a very good week, and I seriously doubt you’re a top contender anyway, so you may not be around much longer. To help you through this confusing time I have enclosed a copy of a book titled “Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.” This should answer most of the questions you have, and will also scare the crap out of you and cause you nightmares for years to come. Please feel free to contact the school nurse with any questions you may have.

 

Danny Gokey: Well the coldness between Simon and Paula seems to have made him chilly because he’s wearing a parka. No, Simon says he’s going on an expedition – yes, that’s what it is – he’s dressed like that old fellow from the board game CLUE. Now where is that pith helmet? Vocals are always solid. Danny is just plain good. Bottom Line: Who secured a spot in next week’s show? It was Col. Mustard, on the stage, with the microphone. Well played.

 

Anoop Desai: Excellent song choice for Anoop, “You were always on my Mind.” I thought he was really, really good this week – so much better. Not sure about the argyle hoodie he’s wearing. The theme is country and you’re dressed like a preppie gangsta? Not computing. The judges thought he was very good. Paula said the song fit him like a glove and last week “the glove didn’t fit.” Thank you, Johnny Cochran. Bottom Line: Gloves, no gloves, I think he’s earned another week.

 

Megan Joy Corkrey: OK, I am definitely not hearing the same vocal as the judges. I thought she was TERRIBLE, but the judges liked it. Apparently she’s had the flu, blah, blah, blah. I can’t deal with her anymore. I think they’re keeping her to meet some kind of “equal opportunity employer” standards or something – there’s a mentally impaired judge, a legally blind contestant, so I guess they need someone to represent the tone deaf population. After all, this is America! (Does anyone know the citizenship requirements for Canada? Please advise.) And will you PLEASE stop shifting and twisting like you’ve got sand in your bathing suit! Bottom Line: Maybe it’s not the flu, honey. I think you’re just homesick. And there’s only one cure for that…

 

Matt Giraud: Really loving Matt more and more. It’s tough competition, but damn he should be a contender. I SO dig him at the piano. Kara said: “There ain’t nothing small about you!” Really, do tell… Paula said he was authensit, authenticitish, authen-citrus, well anyway she said he was piercing our hearts. Bottom Line: My heart is authentricitously pierced.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Idol Wrap Up 3/5

March 6, 2009

I would first like to take care of some housekeeping issues. I have succumbed to the pressure and have created a blog. Thankfully my friend Molly took pity on me and walked me through the process, so instead of waiting for the email to be forwarded, you may go directly to: thefifthjudge.wordpress.com.

 

I take no responsibility for any problems you have with this site. If I have problems I hereby nominate Molly as Queen of Tech Support, Tatiana seconds it, and the motion is carried. Congratulations Molly. So anyway, this (I think) will be the last Wrap Up sent via email. Next week I’ll just send an email when the review is up with a reminder of the address, then you’re on your own. Godspeed.

 

Wrap Up 3/5

 

The Wildcard round already? Good gravy, this is exhausting. I guess we should start with a couple of notes on the results show. To sum up: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Tatiana is back?!?! What the #$%&! – I KNEW it. I love how, when they announced the wildcards, Randy got all ‘don’t kill the messenger’ and made a specific point of saying they ALL agreed on her (translation: I only deserve one quarter of the death threats and voo doo curses). Honestly, I don’t know if I can get through tonight’s show if I have to listen to her. “America, this is my dream (sob sob). I want to share my gifts with you America, YEEE hee hee hee hee.”  Ugh. And here we go…

 

Let’s start with the judges. You know what I love about Paula? She is not afraid to take a stand. She will use her star power to support important causes and she proudly expresses that support via her wardrobe. I too am an ardent supporter of gay cheetahs, and a proud member of RETCH (Rights & Equality To Cheetah Homosexuals). Let’s all put on our hot pink animal patterns and raise awareness! YEAH! Okay, and back to the singers…

        

Jesse Langseth: Wow. Honey that’s a microphone stand, not a stripper pole. Can I get a Clorox wipe? Not loving the vocal. Are they having audio problems this year? I feel like the sound has been off a little. Judges thought it was much better than the last performance. Jesse can sing, but I don’t see this happening for her. Bottom Line: Very ironic song choice in “Tell Me Something Good.” I don’t think so, but the mike stand wants to know if you’re free for dinner.  

 

Matt Giraud: Not sure why he’s dressed like Fidel Castro in the intro (nice jacket, is it bullet proof?), but I like his look for the performance. Love the hat, love the scarf, love the whole ensemble. I really like his voice, too. Nice. Judges liked him overall, but Simon compared him to Taylor Hicks. Eww. My fingers are crossed for Matt – I love him. Bottom Line: I think he has a good shot.  

 

Megan Joy Corkery: In the intro video she says she’s going to do one of the “jamsiest” songs around.  Umm, excuse me Megan (Joy) – there’s only one person who can make up words on this here blog, and that would be me. As for the song, oh dear the dance is back. It’s the Twibot and it’s sweeping the nation! Paula said she picked the right song, blah, blah, blah, and looked pretty. Simon said she was current and original but not the best vocal, Randy agreed. Kara said we need her because she offers “variety.” The judges said everything BUT the obvious – your vocal SUCKED. Could it be more obvious that they selected her before she even stepped on stage? They like her because she’s cute and commercial. I thought it was bloody awful. Simon has loved her since day one, and let’s not pretend that this is not Simon’s own little dictatorship (Matt, can he borrow that jacket?). Bottom Line: I fear that Kristy Lee Cook, the sequel, is playing at a theater near you…    

 

Von: Started weird, in a squeaky whisper. Three notes into it my 6-year-old announced, “That’s a bad song choice.” True that. The judges agree. Poor Von, he seems like a nice kid and he really has a great voice, but this competition is too much for him. Bottom line: I think he’s Von with the wind… 

 

Jasmine Murray: She’s cute, and I thought she put it all out there (or at least tried). The judges have all pulled for her since early on, so again I suspect she’s already on their short list. I can’t say she hasn’t earned it though, I actually like her. Bottom Line: Definitely maybe. It wouldn’t surprise me if she went through.  

 

Ricky Braddy: And to all those who snickered when I bought my Braddy Bunch t-shirt online, may I say HA! Who’s the loser now!? Oh, right, still me. Good vocal, but I just can’t get on board. Judges thought he did a good job, but Simon said the “K” word (karaoke) and Randy said it was “self-indulgent” which is Simon’s FAVORITE term – you pilfered it dawg. Ricky has the pipes for sure, but I just can’t latch on. Bottom Line: Say hello to Greg, Peter and Bobby for me.  

 

Tatiana del Toro: She is a one woman circus. Oh sweet morphine, can you imagine being trapped in an elevator with her? So in the intro video she’s all weepy and crazy and she is suddenly speaking with a thick Spanish accent. I know she’s from Puerto Rico, but up until this very moment she has barely had any accent at all, and suddenly she’s Salma Hayek? “Theeees eeees my dream, Amaaireeca. I lawf to seeng.”  What a load of crap! She saw how endearing Jorge was with his “thinking in Spanish” moment and she tried to steal that whole vibe. NONSENSE. I love that Paula, of all people, called her out on it. So for a change she did “Saving All my Love” (AGAIN). Vocal was okay, then she had a drunken Jerry Lewis moment. What the? Paula liked it. Simon was not happy that she repeated the song for the third time.  Randy, who (just for the record) is no more than one fourth responsible for her being there, said it was like being on a ship. Yes, the mother ship. Kara called her out on her multiple personalities. Most disturbing moment of the night: so after her performance and critique she fell to her knees then stood up, prompting Ryan to say she could stay down there, then it got all Monica Lewinski for a minute. (My word! She looks like Monica! And just two weeks ago there was that guy who looked like Linda Tripp – this is just weird.) Awkward. Bottom Line: (As you read this, please try to hear it in a Scottish accent, as I have decided to randomly adopt a thick foreign brogue.) So sorry to say this, lass, but it’s time to pack up your bagpipes and head back to the Loch.

 

Anoop Desai: Another repeat song, but solid vocal. He’s a very likeable guy. Judges liked it a lot. Simon made a comment about how they had to “cast” the top 12 (interesting word choice), basically acknowledging it’s not about talent, but how you can positively affect ratings and record sales. Good work, Simon. The first step is admitting it. I like Anoop, but the competition is tough. During Anoop’s exchange with Kara I was dismayed to learn that she went to Duke. I can’t even get into it, or I’ll never finish this thing. Bottom Line: Oooo, it’s tight, I hope he’s in!

 

Damn that was quick. And the results are in! I had to pause it to catch up – thank goodness for DVR’s. And it’s…Jasmine (I’m good with that, and not surprised). Megan (not so good with that one, but at least it’s not Tatiana! Let’s pause while Tatiana has yet ANOTHER moment). Oh no, Matt or Anoop – I love them both, but it’s Matt. WAIT a minute, it’s Anoop too! The first ever top 13. Good call. I give credit to the great and powerful Simon for realizing that he gave Anoop’s rightful spot to Megan (Joy), and is at least trying to make it right. Well, gosh this was fun. So, I’ll see you all at the RETCH meeting. It’s Pot Luck night, so remember to bring a covered dish!

Idol Wrap Up 2/25

March 5, 2009

So here I am all ready for Idol. I’ve got my Braddy bunch t-shirt on (I guess I should have waited until after the results show before ordering), but anyway I am pumped. BIG news… I just received my Paula Abdul “Reach for the Stars” bracelet and ring from the Home Shopping Network! I must admit I owe Paula an apology. I know I may have said her jewelry looked cheap and may have come out of a gumball machine, but in real life it is spectacular! It’s obvious they use nothing but the highest quality plastic, and the diamonettes are so sparkly, if I didn’t know better I’d swear they were real glass! Thank you, Paula. I feel like a princess!

 

Couple of notes on last week’s result show… MICHAEL JOHNS was back! I know what you’re thinking and yes, I did lick the TV, just a little (and I’m not sorry, he was delicious). For those of you who are new to the wrap up this season, I may have had a mild, very innocent crush on Michael last season, well let’s just say I was a fan (read: stalker). After his departure I may have vaguely (read: obsessively) focused my attention on David Cook in such way that was misunderstood (read: restraining order issued). But I am completely over it (read: medicated per court order). Anyway, Michael looked HOT, and that was so sneaky how they camouflaged him and Carly among the contestants then (surprise!) called them down to perform. Nobody puts baby in a corner! So this solves my problem this season with trying to find a new Idol boyfriend – just bring Michael back every week and we’re good to go! Frankly, I’ve been trying to make a love connection with someone in the new batch, but I don’t think any of the guys are particularly attractive, and I’ve learned that you just can’t force these things. It’s exhausting having to get all liquored up each week, look at Adam Lambert and think: well, maybe if he tried a different shade of nail polish, and looked a little less like Satan…   It just doesn’t work.

 

And may I also say adios to Tatiana. Thank HEAVEN she did not make the cut (although the threat of a “wildcard” round comeback puts my lower intestine into spasm). I thought it was hilarious how the others reacted to her – behind their painfully polite smiles you could feel the disdain. Poor Danny looked like he wanted to crawl out of his skin when she tried to link arms with him. I think he pretended to cough or swat away a bee or something just so he could pull his arm away. I’m fairly certain he would have preferred to chew off his own limb rather than put it around Tatiana. Better yet, he was able to use that arm to wave goodbye.

 

On a side note, did you notice how they unceremoniously dumped the new format with the parent interviews? HA! I told you it was horrible! So here we go…

 

To kick off the show I thought Ryan was unexpectedly casual in his jeans and sneakers. He must have forgotten he was working tonight, but luckily was able to drop by on his way back from Whole Foods. Hmmm.

 

Jasmine Murray: Very cute girl, young, but just not working. Judges thought she was “pitchy” and chose the wrong song. Simon said she was too young. I pretty much agree. She wasn’t bad, but doesn’t seem to be a contender. Bottom Line: Nice girl, but I’m afraid she’ll be playing the home version of the game from now on.

 

Matt Giraud: So disappointing! I loved him in the earlier shows – he was one of my favorites and he blew it. I do think it was a bad song choice for him, which is pretty much what the judges said. What’s on Paula’s finger by the way, is that a canoe? Is that in her collection? I must have it! Wait a minute…she’s not wearing her star jewelry, and we were supposed to be twins tonight. Now I just feel silly wearing all this bling by myself. Bottom Line: I hate to say it, but I think he’s done. Fingers crossed for a wildcard spot.    

 

Jeanine Vailes: Who the hell is that? I’ve never seen her before in my life. And what in the name of gynecology is she wearing? Richard Simmons wouldn’t wear shorts that short. I can practically see her lady bits! And her voice? Terrible. Oh the humanity – she’s AWFUL. Simon said it was the wrong song. I just think it was the wrong voice. Change the song to anything you want, but if it’s shrill and out of tune it’s going to be AWFUL . Then after her critique she sort of begged for votes, which was pathetic. The judges all commented on her legs, which actually were fantastic. Bottom Line: Ummm, I saw way too much of your “bottom line,” but I hear auditions for “Legs Idol” start next week, and lucky for you, your calendar just opened up. 

 

Nick/Norman Mitchell/Gentle: I don’t know what to say. Is this “Character Idol?”  This is a practical joke that’s gone too far. The judges keep saying his voice isn’t that bad, but I thought he completely missed notes and sounded awful. Luckily I was able to scratch out my eardrums with one of the sharp points on my “Reach for the Stars” ring. (Thank you Paula – I feel so pretty!) So the question Ryan posed, that no one was able to give a straight answer to, was does he deserve a spot in the top twelve? Paula literally responded, “blah la la la blah.” Well said, but let me take a stab at it …NO! He doesn’t even deserve to be in the top 36 (Jamar is sitting at home right now and he is pissed!). Bottom Line: I think some airlines are still offering those companion fares, so you could maybe get a two-for-one deal. Norman calls window!

 

Alison Iraheta: She’s 16? She looked 20 years older in that intro video. Alison, I beg you to moisturize. Very awkward pre-interview with Ryan, but strong voice. I think it’s very hard to sing a Heart song, but she has a great voice. And yes, Randy finally said it: “you blew it out da box!”  Gosh I love it when Randy uses made up words in a nonsensical context. Bottom Line: Definitely has a shot, but I don’t know if America will fall in love with her. She just doesn’t seem to have that X factor.    

 

Kris Allen: HEL-lo. And who might you be young man? Again, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him before, and dang he’s cute. I was so excited I accidentally impaled myself on my Star bracelet (man this stuff is sharp, but so glamorous it’s worth the pain!). Not a bad vocal but not fantastic. The judges mostly liked it. Bottom Line: I’m hoping the eye candy factor pulls him through, but even if it does I doubt he’ll last.  

 

Megan Joy Corkrey: Who ARE these people? I hardly remember seeing any of them before. Were they carpooling to Whole Foods with Ryan and got bored waiting in the car?  Whatever, I don’t know, she was OK. Paula loved her, they all generally liked her, I wasn’t blown away at all. They all said she was “pretty,” which annoys me because what does that have to do with musical talent?! And you KNOW how I feel about contestants with three names (i.e., Kristy Lee Cook), I find them to be very suspicious. Do I call her Megan Joy, or just Megan? And the dancing was bizarre, it was like a cross between the twist and the robot. The Twibot? It was highly unfortunate. Bottom Line: The judges pumped her up so much I think she has a shot at the female spot, but really I don’t think she’s earned it. Megan (Joy), please go wait in the car.   

 

Matt Breitzke: The other blue collar nice guy. Nice voice, nice tone, but definitely not mind blowing. No one really liked it. Simon hated it, or rather hated the song. Maybe the nerves kicked in, but suddenly Matt’s head started sweating and glistening under the lights. Not even my Paula Abdul bracelet sparkles that much. Icky. Bottom Line: Now that Michael Sarver is in (which I don’t agree with), America’s working-class-underdog-family-guy contestant is represented, and I think Matt’s chances are slim.   

 

Jesse Langseth: I thought she had a good voice. I hate when the judges “compliment” the singer by saying they were in tune. Shouldn’t that be a minimum requirement? I liked her, but whatever. Bottom Line: Now would be a good time to sign up for frequent flyer miles.  

 

Kai Kalama: I thought he was pretty good, although I agree with the judges that it was safe. I think it’s better to be safe and good than to be ambitious and disastrous like some of these people. Judges didn’t really care for it. Kara babbled, Paula was non committal, I dozed off. Bottom Line: At least you’ll have more free time to arrange your hair in fun ways.

 

Mishavonna Henson: I thought she was good. Judges hated the song choice, “Drops of Jupiter.” Have you noticed how Paula gets squirmy when anyone brings up her home planet? Anyway, I thought they were harsh on her. They said she felt older than her age. Kara said she was “very put together.” What is she, Humpty Dumpty? The weird thing was she said it as a criticism (I think someone’s been spending too much time with Paula). Being “very put together” should be a good thing. Right? Bottom Line: I thought she was at least as good as all the other girls, but none of them were clear cut winners. I doubt she’ll go through.     

 

Adam Lambert: OK, so Dracula can sing. What a range! He is a bit theatrical, though. On the upside, if Andrew Lloyd Webber ever produced a show called “Eternal Damnation: The Musical!” then he’d be a shoo in for the lead. Bottom line: Score one for the undead. I’d be shocked if he didn’t take the top guy’s spot. He’ll be back (just as long as he doesn’t have to leave the coffin during daylight hours).

Idol Wrap Up 3/4

March 5, 2009

OK, the last of the 36 is set to perform and I am hoping for a great show. Truth be told, I am exhausted after The Bachelor finale and I am an emotional house of cards. So I really need a good show to bring me out of this funk. (I’m kidding of course, I have absolutely no tolerance for people who go on a reality show to find true love and then are shocked and heartbroken when things don’t work out. It just makes me want to pour myself a glass of champagne and sit in a hot tub with five virtual strangers.) But I digress…I’m off to a good start wearing my “canoe” ring Paula was wearing last week (yes of course I ordered it). Silly me, it’s actually called the “Take your Breath Away” ring, which is fitting because you could puncture a lung with it if you’re not careful. I’ll take that chance, because Paula and I are going to be SO Mary Kate and Ashley tonight! I just had the best idea ever! Wouldn’t Paula make the BEST Bachelorette? Don’t even TRY to tell me you wouldn’t tune in for that.

Couple of notes on last week’s results show…no surprises, really. Adam “the vampire” Lambert, Kris “mama’s new squeaky toy” Allen, and the girl who looks 20 years older than she actually is, Alison “Benjamin Button” Iraheta. Not bad. I was very excited that my strapping young fellow made it through, I don’t know much about him or how long he’ll last, but who cares!? He’s yummy. Still not 100% sure what to think of the new batch, but I’ll certainly stay tuned. So here we go…

Von Smith: I thought he was pretty good actually. That hair had some serious product in it. He really reined it in after his over-the-top Hollywood week. The judges liked him, but it’s hard going first. By the end of the show I think it was clear that others eclipsed him. Bottom Line: Seems like a nice guy, but despite his talent I just don’t see it happening. Von, we know you have a lot of options to choose from, and we thank you for flying Shattered Dreams Airlines today.

Taylor Vaifanua: I didn’t really remember her, but I thought she totally over performed it. Kara said a peculiar thing. She said she wanted to know what it’s like to go shopping with Taylor. Um, okay, well she wears a size 6, apparently enjoys clothes that make her look like a scuba diving muppet, and will occasionally ask you to create a diversion while she shoplifts. So, how does that help you offer an opinion on her voice? Paula was “perplexed” (I did not know she could use that word correctly in a sentence – score one for Paula’s thesaurus). Bottom Line: Let me offer you a travel tip… Always leave a little room in your suitcase when packing for a trip, that way when you return you’ll have room for souvenirs, such as the tattered wreckage of your music career.

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Alex Wagner-Trugman: I was really hoping he’d do better. He’s so endearingly goofy, but he’s kind of funny, and really he has a good voice. He started fine, but just ended up painful. His dancing would have been forgivable in an amusing way had he not started singing like an angry polar bear. What was that? I felt bad for him. He looked sad when he got his feedback. Oh well. Bottom Line: Be sure to get to the airport at least an hour before departure.

Arianna Afsar: Finally, an Abba song. I frickin’ LOVE Abba. Oh, she butchered it. Horrible beginning, although I thought she sort of brought it home at the end. I thought it was a strange performance, very theatrical in a way (but not a good way). She kept sort of reaching dramatically toward the sky like she was releasing imaginary doves. The judges were not kind. Bottom Line: This girl can actually sing, but I think she blew it. I’ll offer her a travel tip… When the lady at the check in counter says, “you’ve been selected for special screening,” it sounds like you’ve won something, but don’t be fooled. All it means is that a husky woman wearing rubber gloves will likely be “unnecessarily thorough” while patting you down for weaponry. Enjoy.

Ju’Not Joyner: Much different than I expected. I liked the arrangement. These poor guys really have it tough because there are so many strong performers and not so much with the girls. Did anyone notice that Ju’Not had a pair of handcuffs hanging from his pants? Kinky. Anyway, I kind of liked him. The judges pretty much liked him too. Bottom Line: He might have a narrow shot, but I’m afraid he’ll get lost in the crowd. Maybe on the trip home they’ll let you be Guest Air Marshall, since you’ve already got the cuffs.

Kristen McNamara: She has that ditsy Denise Richards thing going (that is not a compliment). Anyway, I thought her voice was good, but it’s hard to get on board with her. Judges liked her vocal, but not so much her performance and they sort of focused on her “look.” A friend of mine suggested that her “Alice in Wonderland “ outfit did not match her song choice. If we are picking songs based on outfits then I definitely would have gone with “On the Good Ship Lollipop.” Anyway, I felt bad for her. Bottom Line: Down through the rabbit hole you go, Alice…

Side note: Why is Paula no longer crazy? May I just say in all sincerity, I miss Paula. I mean, I know she’s sitting right there, but I miss the old Paula – the confused, babbling, vodka marinated queen of prescriptions who used say things like: “You are the carrot peeler of your own salad.” Do you think her pharmacist accidentally mixed up her meds with Joaquin Phoenix’s? That would actually explain a lot.

Nathaniel Marshall: Oh I think we all remember Nathaniel from Hollywood week. Drama! Oh and he’s wearing that weird headband that he ALWAYS wears and obviously thinks should be worn way down on his bangs instead of on TOP of his head. It’s like a little belt for his forehead. He actually has a good voice. He’s very “performy” (yes, I made up a word) in a very Liza Minelli kind of way. And the piercings? Never try to operate a stapler with your face. You know what’s not fair? The judges gave him all that extra air time, he went and sat on Paula’s lap, they introduced granny, blah, blah – they sort of manipulate the voting by highlighting certain people. They want that “Sanjaya” factor that will have people talking. It’s annoying. Bottom Line: Based on his “uniqueness” and extra air time I think he has a slim shot. My gut tells me to offer him a travel tip… To avoid embarrassing and time consuming “metal detector” experiences, take any loose change out of your pockets, remove all belts, and empty your face of any staples, tacks, hubcaps, nails, tire irons, and anything else that has no earthly business being embedded in your flesh.

Felicia Barton: The second chance girl. Well hello Joan Jett, I haven’t seen you since 1989. I didn’t remember her, but I thought she had a good voice. Judges liked her. Bottom Line: Maybe a slim shot. Honestly I don’t think any of the girls stood out (except Lil). We’ll put her on stand-by.

Scott MacIntyre: You know I can‘t say anything mean here. I’m kind of pulling for Scott, not just because he’s blind, but he’s kind of likeable. In fairness, he doesn’t have the best voice, but he’s so sincere. The judges quite liked him. Bottom Line: Definitely has a good shot, I would be surprised if he didn’t make it though.

Kendall Beard: The country girl. Very cute, good voice. I didn’t really find anything special about her. I was a little disturbed by her father’s “Alligator Dance” in the intro video (and I thought my dad was embarrassing). Maybe she should have performed “Crocodile Rock.” The judges liked her, kept telling her she’s pretty. Whatever. Bottom Line: I would say she has a very slim chance, but it’s likely she’ll soon be packing her toiletries in clear, quart-sized bags.

Jorge Nunez: Good voice. I actually liked him. Paula got emotional, then Jorge got emotional. It was like the season finale of The Bachelor all over again. Oddly enough, looks-wise he vaguely reminds me of Michael Jackson – before his face fell off, of course. And I like his little Spanish vibe. The judges liked him. Bottom Line: I think he’s got a shot, but the guys are tough competition. Oh Jorge, you had me at hola.

Lil Rounds: I like Lil, very strong voice. I didn’t think the song really showcased that powerhouse vocal she can deliver, though. The judges are crazy about her, but I can’t say that I’m drinking the Kool-Aid quite yet. She’s definitely one of the better females. And we could have such fun with her name: “How about I buy you fellas a couple Lil Rounds of tequila?” Bottom Line: Well the judges already crowned her as the winner of the night, and obviously they always put the strongest contestant last (I love how they pretend it’s a random order and yet the three who went last were Danny, Adam, and Lil). I would be very surprised if she didn’t get in