Posts Tagged ‘Adam Lambert’

American Idol Wrap Up 4/13/10

April 14, 2010

And then there were nine… again. Yes, BIG news – the Judges’ Save was employed last week to the benefit of Big Mike. Whoop dee do. I agree that he was more deserving of another week than others, but honestly I just want this season to end. Sigh. So, the theme of the week is Elvis songs, and being that Elvis is, shall we say, permanently and profoundly unavailable, the mentoring duties fell to Adam Lambert. Not sure how they connected the dots on that one, but here he is, so welcome back Adam.

Well, you know it’s going to be an interesting show when Ryan’s opening chat with Adam results in Ryan uttering the following: “My tongue is not nearly as talented as yours.” Super. Moving on…

Crystal: Crystal opened the show with “Saved,” and it had a nice bluesy vibe. It was predictably solid with her signature strong vocal. Randy said it was dope and he loved it. Ellen said she’s tired of telling her how great she is. Kara, who is dressed in fatigues (?), said Crystal did some really good things tonight. Simon said it was original and she sounded great. Bottom line: Elvis week…another item checked of the “To Do” list. See you next week.

Side note: As we cut to break, Ryan announces that Andrew is up next, and we see Andrew on deck, hamming for the camera as he simulates picking his nose. What the f*ing crap? I am officially grossed out.

Andrew: Back from break, with all orifices presumably clear, Andrew sang “Hound Dog.” It’s kind of blah. Dumb, dumb song choice. Again, his voice sounds good and I love his tone, but the performance is just kind of lying there, like Ryan’s tongue. Randy said it was bad karaoke. Ellen liked it a lot. Kara said he didn’t own it. Simon thought it was lazy and his coolness has been sucked out. Bottom line: Maybe you should dig around up there for some votes, ‘cause you ain’t getting mine. 

Tim: He sang “Can’t Help Falling in Love” and did it respectably. Regardless of its “okay-ness” he just does not belong at this level. It sounded pretty, in a very high school talent show kind of way, but he didn’t show much range. What is going on in the background? Ryan is slow dancing with some burly man (later he indicates it was Michael Sarver – what?!?). Has he been huffing his hair products tonight? So strange. Back to Tim…Randy said he actually liked it. Ellen really enjoyed it. Kara said it was her favorite Tim performance ever. Simon said he went from zero to hero. Easy there judges, it really wasn’t that good. Bottom line: Let’s recap so far – Andrew has his finger up his nose, Ryan has his head up his ass, and Tim has the judges in his pocket. I give up.

Lee: He sang “A Little Less Conversation” and did a very good job. Thank you, Lee, for restoring some order to the universe. Randy said he was in the zone. Ellen said he was getting better and better. Kara said he really went for it. Simon said it was on the money. Bottom line: Phew. We’re back on track.

Aaron: He sang “Blue Suede Shoes” and again I hated the song choice for him. It was too quintessential Elvis (same problem with “Hound Dog”) – something more obscure would have suited him better. Yes, his voice is great – pure and natural – but the song doesn’t fit. And tiny little Aaron grooving around the stage with Elvis-like swagger? Sweetie, you look like something Elvis could’ve coughed up after a bender. Please don’t attempt that again. Randy liked part of it. Ellen thought he did a good job, but didn’t get all the way there. Kara liked seeing him out of his comfort zone. Simon said it was an old fashioned song. Well, duh. The theme of the week is Elvis songs, and Elvis has been dead for over 30 years, so do the math. Wouldn’t that make all of his songs “old fashioned” by definition? Whatever. Bottom line: Nice kid. Talented. But not a rock star. I have three words for you Aaron: Disney On Ice.

Siobhan: Siobhan sang “Suspicious Minds.” Ok, so yes, great voice, great range, but over the top. She seems to be hitting those big notes just for the sake of hitting them, not because they add something. I don’t know what to do with her. Randy loved the second half of the performance. Ellen said she had a beautiful voice. Kara said Siobhan has two voices and it’s confusing. (Oh no, and it’s a double elimination this week, so maybe both of her will go!). Simon said it was erratic and she has lost who she was two weeks ago. Siobhan said she’s never been able to label herself and doesn’t want to. Bottom line: Ok, don’t label yourself. But you’d best perform better, or you’ll at least have to label your luggage.

Side note: So after break, Ryan announces that next week is “Idol Gives Back” and there will be two venues. The other one will be hosted by Brian Dunkleman – no he’s kidding, it’s Queen Latifah, but a low blow, Ryan. Brian Dunkleman. Remember him? He was Ryan’s co-host when idol first launched, but left after season one. Yes, a cataclysmic career decision (think Shelley Long leaving “Cheers”). Other than turning up on “Celebrity Fit Club” a few years back (no, really, it’s not a joke – he truly was on that show), his career has been silent. Way to kick a guy when he’s down. That was just mean, Ryan. Back to the show…

Michael: He sang “In the Ghetto.” What a happy, happy song. He did a nice version and his voice sounded, well, pretty. Randy said the vocals were hot. Ellen was glad they saved him. Kara thought he sang it well. Simon said it was one of his favorites. Bottom line: It should be enough to get him out of the voting ghetto.

Katie: She sang “Baby What You Want Me to Do.” Sigh. Here’s my problem with Katie – great voice, but not ready to be a rock star. I feel like she’s playing a part in a school play, strutting around with the leather pants, when really she’s just a kid who needs to bank a little more life experience before she can pull off these growling and prowling performances. Randy said nice vocals, Ellen said it was “horny” and great. Kara said she, “showed us judges.” Simon didn’t like the song. Bottom line: I don’t care either way.

Casey: Casey sang “Lawdy Miss Clawdy.” I don’t know this song, but I thought he was good – a firm B+, anyway. And the hair is pulled back – thank you. Randy said it was solid, Ellen said it wasn’t as exciting as she’d like, Kara said he’s capable of more, Simon said it was a missed opportunity. Bottom line: I thought the judges were a little harsh. I think Tim and Andrew should be the castoffs this week, but again, I don’t really care anymore. I think I’d rather slow dance with Michael Sarver than suffer through another season of this tired show.


American Idol Wrap Up 5/12/09

May 13, 2009

It’s hard to believe it’s the final three, but here we are. I’ve just caught up on last week’s “Rock Week” show, and yes, it was a bad week for me to be away. So much material… Anyway, I am disappointed that Allison is gone. I think it should have been Danny, based solely on that bizarre, glass shattering shriek he made while butchering “Dream On.” I think next year AI should introduce a companion rule to the “Judges’ Save” called the “Judges’ Kevorkian” – a mercy killing if you will, which would allow them to circumvent the voting process and immediately dismiss a contestant for doing something truly embarrassing and vocally offensive, such as screeching and hissing like a jet engine as it sucks in a flock of geese. Shudder. It was almost as offensive as Paula’s “live” performance on last week’s results show. Just to be clear, Paula’s job on the show is to critique the contestants’ vocal performances and offer advice based on her “expertise.” Yes? OK, so when given the opportunity to show ‘em how it’s done, she lip synchs her way through some hideous, techno-fluff noise cluster that sounds suspiciously like it was written and recorded by R2D2. Hmm. In regard to that “artistry” and “originality” the judges are always preaching about, the search continues…

Back to tonight. It’s Hometown week – two songs each, one selected by a judge, the other selected by the contestant. It’s on!

To start it off, Danny’s fate was in Paula’s hands, and she selected “Dance Little Sister” by Terrence Trent D’Arby. What!? Wow, that was unexpected. I have no recollection of hearing that song ever. And Terrence Trent D’Arby? Random. Maybe I missed something, but I think TTD’A dropped off the face of the earth like two decades ago. Didn’t he? Don’t get me wrong, as soon as they said his name I immediately recognized it, but he’s one of those people I would have never remembered or thought about in any way for the rest of my life, had they not dug up the coffin of that career. Please raise your hand if, at any point in the last 20 years, you have said to yourself, “Gosh, I wonder whatever happened to Terrence Trent D’Arby.” Well, there you have it. Not that my memory is bad, or I’m not sentimental. Lord knows I spend many a sleepless night wondering whatever happened to that band Men Without Hats, and the guy who played Juan Epstein on “Welcome Back Kotter,” but Terrence Trent D’Arby never crossed my mind. Whatever, Paula.


Danny: Song choice aside, in Danny’s defense, he sang the crap out of the most mediocre song ever written by the oh-so-memorable Terrence Trent D’Arby. I’m not a big Danny fan, but objectively I must admit he really can sing. The dancing however, is quite unnecessary. I have arm fat that shakes more attractively. Please stop, Danny. My eyes are bleeding again. Thank you. Randy said it was dope. Kara liked the singing, hated the dancing. Paula said he “did really good” (great grammar). Simon thought it was vocally good, but the wrong song. Side note: What was going on with Simon and Paula? Ryan and Danny watched uncomfortably as something was going on with S&P off camera. All I know is that when they came back from break Simon had Paula’s make up smeared all over his shirt. Never mind. I don’t want to know.

Kris: Randy and Kara have jointly chosen a song for him (apparently it takes a village). I feel sorry for Randy. Remember the old days when he alone got to pick the song? Does he realize he’s been demoted? It’s like being assigned partners in gym class and he’s saddled with the kid wearing the back brace and prescription shoes. It’s sad, really. He’s a shadow of his former self. Anyway, their pick is “Apologize” by One Republic. Not a bad choice, I think. At least it’s not a 20-year-old song I’ve never heard before. What would Paula have chosen? “She Blinded Me With Science” by Thomas Dolby perhaps. Better yet, that 80’s rap song about General Hospital (sing it with me: “I just can’t cope, without my soap… General Hospi-tal”). I thought Kris did a competent job, not dazzling, but respectable. Randy said it was “nice, baby.” Kara was disappointed that he sang it as it’s written and didn’t apply that “Kris” interpretation to it and make it more artsy. Apparently he was supposed to yodel it while accompanied by a flugelhorn or something. Who knew? Paula said he had a loud bum note. I didn’t hear it, but then again I’m no “expert” like Paula. The fact that Randy didn’t use the word “pitchy” in his critique makes me doubt this “bum” note’s existence. Simon didn’t really critique Kris, but critiqued the other judges instead. Now Kara is out of her chair and all over Simon. What is going on? I feel like I’m screaming at my kids, “Everyone, keep your hands to yourself!” These judges are weird tonight. 

Adam: Simon chose Adam’s song (of course), and chose “One” by U2 (with Bono’s personal blessing, as Simon pointed out). Paula would have gone with something more culturally significant, such as “Turning Japanese” by the Vapors, or perhaps Neneh Cherry’s “Buffalo Stance.” So, ho hum, it was note perfect as usual. We all know he’s amazingly talented. Having said that, I wasn’t jumping out of my seat or anything. The judges were more enthused than I was. Randy said he was in the zone and added that Adam was “one of the hottest three” in the competition. Really? One of the hottest three out of a possible, um, THREE!? Thank you so much. Since we’re passing out the compliments, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Paula is one of the 300 million smartest Americans. Silly Randy, that’s what you get for using Kara as your math tutor. Kara said it was unbelievable. Paula said it was superb. Simon gloated about the song choice and, naturally, thought it was great. The judges managed to get through the whole song without any groping, or anyone having to register as a sex offender, so that was good. I’m eager to see what song #2 will bring…

Danny: Song #2 is Danny’s choice of “You Are So Beautiful.” My surprise meter reads ZERO. Ugh. Yes he has a great voice, and he did sing it very well, but gag. Randy said he can really, really, really sing. Kara said it was stunning. Paula said he left us breathless (try a nebulizer, he wasn’t that good). Simon said it was a vocal master class. Wow. High praise. OK Danny, go ahead and do that thing when you put your hands into a heart shape. Really, help me out, I decided I’d give bulimia a shot for a few weeks, but I’m having trouble vomiting, so please. Go on. And there it is. Thank you. Bottom Line: Strictly speaking in terms of vocals, he’s earned the #2 spot for the finale, and will probably get it. Beyond that, I see two paths for Danny: Either (1.) He will take the Taylor Hicks path toward modest success before dropping off the radar completely, then resurfacing years later on “Celebrity Fit Club;” OR (2.) He will bide his time on the easy listening circuit until Michael Bolton retires and Danny can monopolize the menopausal market. Either way, my iPod will remain Gokey-free. Nothing personal, Danny. I wish you well. I am forming my fingers into a heart shape as we speak…

Kris: For song #2 Kris chose “Heartless” by Kanye West. Interesting choice. Whether you like him or not, I think you have to give him his props. Kris did what he does best, and I really like the stripped down version with nothing but him and his guitar. Not leaning on the band, or back-up singers is pretty plucky. And for me, it worked. Randy said he loved it and even liked it better than Kanye’s version. Kara said it was fearless and offered “kudos” for a great performance. Paula said bravo. Simon said he’d written Kris off after song #1, but song #2 changed his mind. Bottom Line: This performance makes it interesting. I would personally like to see Kris in the finals next week instead of Danny, but I’m not sure that will happen. Fingers crossed.

Adam: For song #2 Adam selected “Cryin” by Aerosmith. Hands down he’s the best vocalist. Crazy range. Note perfect. What else is there to say? Randy said he was one of the best that’s ever been on that stage. Kara said, “See you at the finals.” Paula said, “I hope you’re collecting frequent flyer miles. You’re going to be flying for free, everywhere.” Umm, okay. Not sure how that’s relevant, but thanks(?). Simon encouraged people to vote for Adam. Bottom Line: It would be outright insanity if he didn’t make the finals. If he’s out, then what’s the point? He’s one of the hottest three, after all. Who’s going to argue with that?

American Idol Wrap Up 4/28

April 29, 2009



A couple of notes on last week’s show. So, this was different… we started with a glimpse into Paula’s world. No, not Jupiter, I mean her other world: choreography. And oh how she was in her glory. You’ve got to hand it to her, the girl can dance, and I think she might have even been sober. Good for her. As far as the routine goes, I’m assuming it was meant to be funny, in which case they were all good sports. Whatever, and we cut directly (well, after a painful Ford commercial that featured – among other things – Anoop making cupcakes) to the elimination. Ryan began in full drama-mode as he looked upward and instructed, well, God I guess, to: “Dim the lights.” (Note that he also employed some kind of double shooting hand gesture, which is suspiciously reminiscent of Leather Tuscadero’s signature greeting.) Lil stood up, Ryan told her we need someone like her in this competition, and generally led her on in that smarmy way he has, which only served to elevate her a little so the thud would be louder when she dropped. And drop she did. Next up was a medley of disco classics performed by the original artists, and gloriously capped off with a performance by the recently exhumed K.C. of K.C. and the Sunshine Band. It was sad, really. So Anoop and Allison are on the chopping block, but first we get to see David Archuletta prove why he didn’t win last season. Hated the song. Despite his gosh-golly-Beaver-Cleaver-goodness, I thought the performance was spectacularly mediocre. Back to the elimination, and Anoop says goodbye. So it’s Lil and Anoop. Anybody surprised? I feel more nail-biting suspense waiting for the mail to come.


Before I forget to mention it, I’m sorry to inform you that you’re on your own next week. I will be on vacation and thefifthjudge site will be blogless. Feel free to talk amongst yourselves, though. Enjoy.


And on to tonight’s show… The theme is the Rat Pack, and the mentor is Jamie Foxx. Well, obviously. Apparently Tony Bennett and Harry Connick, Jr. had better things to do, and Quentin Tarantino couldn’t risk violating the restraining order that was issued after his last visit. I like Jamie Foxx, but I wouldn’t necessarily associate him with this kind of music. Let’s look at some lyrics from Jamie’s latest hit, “Blame It”:


Fill another cup up
Feeling on your butt-What?
You don’t even care now
I was unaware
How fine you was before my buzz set in
(My buzz set in)

Blame it on the Goose (goose)
Got you feeling loose (loose)
Blame it on Petron (‘tron)
Got you in the zone (zone)
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-al-co-hol


I don’t remember the Gershwins ever composing anything like that. Whatever. Okay, so it’s a bit of a stretch for Jamie to be the Rat Pack mentor, but they vaguely make a case for it, and at least the mentor is a musician this time around. I admit that I’m a bit sensitive around this week’s theme because, well, confession time: Although the soundtrack of my youth was 70’s/80’s music, I have always been a total freak for old movies, and the songs that went with them – anything Gershwin, Porter, Kern, etc. So I am a big fan of all these old standards that the Rat Pack performed, and a bit of a snob, so I’m feeling uneasy, yet cautiously optimistic.


Let’s check in with the judges first…Randy: Wristwatch you could land a helicopter on? Check. Love beads? Check. Mister Rogers’ cardigan sweater? Check. All is right with the world. Kara: Stunned, vacant gaze? Check. Nondescript wardrobe and accessories? Check. Thermostat set to “useless”? Check. Paula: Dinner napkins tucked into bra after a failed origami experiment? Check. Recently tucked and plucked mannequin face? Check. Seventeen pounds of shameless, cheap-Home-Shopping-Network-costume-jewelry-line self promotion? Check. (Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-al-co-hol? Check.) And Simon: Itchy gray sweater? No! Simon has gone with the gray tee-shirt instead! Someone’s feeling summer-y. Way to shake it up. Is this the first of many pleasant surprises this evening? Check.


Kris: Kris kicked off the evening with “The Way You Look Tonight” and did a really nice job. Very true to the original, and I have to say I was nervous that they would all try to put their own spin on it – and I was not up for an evening of these sacred songs being twisted into some kind of bastardized reggae arrangement. Big sigh of relief. I thought Kris was delectable in every way. Randy said was his best performance yet. Kara said he was the dark horse. Paula said it was near impeccable. Simon said it was a little bit “wet” and likened the performance to taking a well trained spaniel for a walk. Umm… Huh? Well what the hell does that mean? It’s bad enough that Paula makes no sense, Randy makes up words, and Kara constantly steps on her own tongue, but Simon is supposed to be the articulate one, and now even he makes no sense. I would like to invite all of the judges to attend a little seminar I’m giving called “Analogies, and Adjectives, and Similes, Oh My!” I think it would be useful. Back to Kris. Bottom Line: Moisture level aside, I thought it was great. Please do come back to me next week my little aperitif.  


Allison: Allison sang “Someone To Watch Over Me.” Another fabulous classic. Here’s what’s weird, she’s a kid – barely 17, and she’s singing a song written 80 years ago, and her voice is perfect for it. I loved it. Randy said she was looking dope and she was singing like P!nk, but with 9,000 more octaves. Hey, don’t diss my girl P!nk – I love her (and frankly that girl is dicey, and she will cut you). Kara loved it. Paula said it was alluring and tender and she was very proud. Simon thought it was great, but said Allison didn’t seem confident that she could win, and has a horrible feeling she could be in trouble. I disagree, but at least his commentary was clear this time. Use your words, Simon. Good boy. Bottom Line: Simon had better be wrong on this one. I think she earned another week.  

Matt: He sang “My Funny Valentine” – one of my favorite songs ever. Pretty good overall, but a little rough in some of the low notes. Randy said it was pitchy (yawn) and gave it a 6 out of 10. Kara didn’t feel he was emotionally connected. Paula felt the emotional connection, and said it was excellent. Simon thought it was authentic and brilliant (he loves to disagree with Randy). Well, no mixed messages there. Bottom Line: We all know Matt’s in trouble. It’s not that he’s not talented, but there are only five left and someone has to go…

Danny: So the creepy moment of the night was Jamie Foxx getting in Danny’s face and sampling his breath during the intro video. So strange. Anyway. Danny sang “Come Rain Or Come Shine” and it was another solid performance. I did find the end to be gratuitously screamy, but the vocal was rock solid. Randy loved it. Kara said that Danny’s been missing that Rat Pack swagger, and he had “swag” tonight. (Note to Kara: “swag” and “swagger” are not the same thing. “Swag” is an ornamental drapery.) Paula said it was stellar. Simon said it was outstanding. Can I just say that I’m really over that stupid thing Danny does every week now where he forms his hands into a heart shape. Who do you think you are, Pinky Tuscadero? Bottom Line: You weren’t the only one who had swagger tonight, but apparently you were the only one with ornamental drapery, so that ought to buy you another week.


Adam: You shouldn’t wear that suit unless you are uttering the following: “I am your host, Mr. Rourke. Welcome to Fantasy Island!” OK, so Adam sang “Feeling Good.” This song, to me, is really a different genre, but whatever. Once again, fantastic vocals. I really do wish, however, that he could sing those extended power notes without sticking out his tongue like he’s having some kind of anaphylactic reaction to a bee sting. Randy thought it was a little too theatrical, but good. Kara said it was confusing, and shocking, and sleazy (in a good way). Paula said it’s like watching the Olympics and he’s our Michael Phelps (Paula, I beg you to attend my seminar). Simon liked how Adam is in it to win it. Bottom Line: Tell Tattoo to bring you another cocktail and get the guests settled into their rooms. No one is going anywhere just yet.









American Idol Review 4/21/09

April 22, 2009

A few notes on last week’s results show:  So, after all the hype they finally used THE JUDGES’ SAVE. Matt was on the chopping block and again there was all this drama about will they or won’t they? It’s so predictable. Of course they’re going to use it, do the math (not you Kara):  1.) If they don’t use it now, then they will be forced to use it next week, or not at all;  2.) If they don’t end up using it at all then the whole thing just looks silly because there’s been all this drama and hype for weeks, and it would be so anticlimactic if it never even happened;  3.) If next week the bottom is Anoop or even Lil (to whom Simon is now openly hostile), then they’d have to use the save just for the sake of using it when everyone knows that they couldn’t care less about saving either of them. Using it on Matt is at least somewhat justifiable. Chances are it’s either now or never, so they chose “now.” Congratulations Matt. Make it count. By the way it was good to see J-Hud. Although if I were her I would have hung my Grammy and my Oscar around my neck and said: “HA! How do you like me now?” Miley Cyrus performed also, but I couldn’t watch. No offense to her, she’s a talented girl, but I have two young girls and every time I’m forced to watch her show a little piece of my soul dies, so I refuse to let her invade the hallowed ground of AI. Deep breath. Moving on…


OK, so it’s Disco week and I do so love Disco week. It’s always interesting. The geniuses in charge have finally figured out that if they cut the excess fluff, such as the useless intro videos, they actually have time for each contestant to sing and be critiqued by all of the judges. What a novel concept. I start the evening with high hopes. The judges are introduced and are once again looking spiffy. Guys, can you do a little better than a t-shirt? Randy has some kind of graffiti spray painted on his tee. He looks like he’s been vandalized. Kara’s kind of generic, but Paula on the other hand is really embracing the 70’s theme and is wearing a flowery mumu that makes her look like Mrs. Roper from Three’s Company. The worst offender, however, is Simon, who apparently couldn’t even complete his outfit and is wearing an undershirt. Eww. It’s called an undershirt because you wear it under something, Simon. For example, you could wear it under one of your signature sweaters that you own, like that itchy black one, or the itchy almost black one (or the charcoal, or soot, or ash, or smoke, or any other shade from the gray rainbow). The whole undershirt vibe feels dirty. I feel like I need a shower – and not just a regular one, I’m talking a hard core decontaminating shower (think Meryl Streep in Silkwood). I guess if Paula’s paying tribute to Three’s Company, then Simon must be paying tribute to Sanford and Son, because he looks like he got dressed in a junkyard. So does Randy for that matter. Yeesh. And here we go…


Lil: Lil needed a miracle this week and she got one. Here’s the problem: The miracle she needed was a brilliant performance, but the miracle she got was that her hair grew ten inches in one week (note to self: be more specific when requesting miracles). She just isn’t getting it, and it has become painful. Week after week the judges try to convey the idea that you can’t just “perform” the song, you have to feel the song and connect with both it and the audience. And for Pete’s sake don’t do a cheap imitation of the original. Singing loudly and singing passionately are two different things. So, she sang “I’m Every Woman” (loudly), and I hate to get all sports analogy-ish, but this was the Hail Mary pass for Lil and she dropped it in the end zone. Can she sing? Yes. When she sings does it feel like you’re witnessing something special? No, not for me. The judges were pretty harsh. Paula tried to defend her a little by saying she’d been sick this week (must have had a case of that Saturday Night Fever that’s been going around). Was that her mom in the audience? Because that woman was mad. Anyway, I felt bad for Lil, but I think she’s done. Bottom Line: Only one way to cure that fever, hon. It’s time to go home and get to bed now.


Kris: Kris sang the Donna Summer song: “She Works Hard for the Money” and told Ryan, “It’s actually a story about a… woman.” Uh, yuh. I think it’s actually a story about a… prostitute, but what the heck, it’s a family show. I’ve got to hand it to Kris – he’s very creative with his arrangements, and although he might not have as powerful a voice as some of the others, he has a lot of originality and definitely puts his heart and soul into his performances (are you listening, Lil?). Somehow the song worked for him, and I really liked the arrangement. The judges loved it. (Did you notice that when Kara was giving her feedback Simon seemed to be giving her the finger as he pretended to scratch his cheek? I think he really hates her.) Paula said something about how Kris was shopping in the women’s department, and further commented that Kris “found a perfect fit” (in the women’s department). Let’s face it, analogies are not Paula’s strong suit. Actually, the English language is not her strong suit. Simon said it was much better than the first performance (you can still see Lil’s family over his shoulder and they are staring daggers). Bottom Line:  Tootsie, Mrs. Doubtfire… he doesn’t look like any cross dresser I’ve ever seen. I think he’s shopping in the hot department and should easily avoid next week’s clearance sale.


Danny: He sang EWF’s “September.” Yes he can sing, has a very good range, hits all his notes, etc., but this is where I see people like Adam and Kris leaving Danny behind. I thought he was as unoriginal and copycat with this song as Lil was with hers. It was a good performance, but not very creative. The judges didn’t really call him on it, though. Overall they were impressed, although Simon called it a bit clumsy. Bottom Line: He’s definitely still safe, but he’s starting to get on my nerves. Maybe if he ventured out of the eyeglasses department and started to shop in the women’s department… 


Allison: She sang (another) Donna Summer classic. “Hot Stuff.” Allison also switched up the arrangement, but not as creatively as some of the others. Solid vocal. The outfit was very Pinky Tuscadero. (Happy Days? Fonzie’s girlfriend? Are you with me?) Randy thought it was “overindulgent” (that’s a big word for a guy dressed like an overpass), but said he loved her and she can really sing. Kara agreed with Randy’s comments. Paula said the word compromise does not even belong in her musical vocabulary (blah, blah, blah, whatever that means). Oh Paula, you’re so wise. Simon said she was an underdog, but the performance was brilliant. Bottom Line: Long before Siskel and Ebert, the Fonz was giving two thumbs up and an “Aaaaye!” I’ll be pulling for you, Pinky.


Adam: The hair is a little too Eddie Munster for my taste, but otherwise he looked good. Adam sang “If I Can’t Have You” from the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack. We’ve learned to expect the unexpected, and as usual Adam put a surprising spin on a disco classic. I thought it was a really unique arrangement, and (yet again) a mesmerizing performance. (Again, this is what we’re talking about Lil, you can’t take your eyes off him when he sings.) Outstanding. And what would his performance be without the obligatory close-up of Paula emoting her approval? She took it a notch higher this week and even threw in some fake blubbering (it’s the same as regular blubbering with a pouty face and shoulders trembling with every sob… but there are no actual tears because it’s all a big fake crazy steaming pile of nonsense). Oh Paula, you are such a deep and important artist, not to mention a jewelry magnate. Speaking of… what the F is on her hand? It’s two big pink sparkly balls. What’s that supposed to be, Liberace’s testicles? I don’t know, at second glance it looks like two giant ladybugs getting it on. (Are there male ladybugs? If so, do you think they shop in the women’s department with Kris?) Whatever. Randy loved it, Kara loved it. Paula said she felt his pain, as if he tore his heart out and left it on the stage (as if the maintenance staff doesn’t have enough to do sweeping up those names Randy’s always dropping, now this…). Simon said it was original and the vocals were immaculate. Adam took a moment to give credit to and thank the guy who came up with the arrangement, which he obviously didn’t have to do, and I thought that was very gracious. Bottom Line: Duh. If we can’t have you we don’t want nobody, baby. See you next week.


Matt: I must be inspired by hearing all this news lately about pirates, because I found myself screaming, “Aaaarrrrggg!” I’m frustrated with Matt. With his piano skills, he really could have done something interesting this week, yet he didn’t. He did “Staying Alive” and changed it up a little, but didn’t do anything special. I would have liked to have seen him do something stripped down, just him at the piano doing a bluesy version of maybe “Don’t Leave Me This Way” or “Last Dance” (if you want to keep with the Donna Summer theme). The vocal was decent, but I was disappointed. The judges didn’t love it, but gave props to his vocal ability. Paula said Matt picks songs like she bowls, it’s either a gutter ball or a strike. Does anyone seriously think that Paula bowls? Can you picture her in those shoes? I think not. Although it looks like some of her jewelry is made out of bowling balls, so maybe that’s the connection. Simon said it was desperate. Bottom Line: He needed to prove that “the save” was well used. He didn’t. I do still like him, but if he goes, I’m OK with that.  


Anoop: These people do realize that Donna Summer was not the only recording artist of the 1970’s, right? So, Anoop sang “Dim All The Lights.” Week after week I ask Anoop not to put me to sleep with his performance and he has the nerve to sing a song called “Dim All The Lights.” That’s just plain rude. In fairness, it wasn’t that bad, and vocally it was pretty strong (aside from that last note that screeched through my skull and sent a shudder down my spine like when I hear that sound made by rubbing two pieces of Styrofoam together). The judges pretty much liked it and complimented his vocal ability. Simon thought it was mediocre at best, and was Anoop’s worst performance by a mile. Bottom Line: It’s time to dim all the lights on Anoop’s Idol career. Bottom three at least, if not bottom two and a plane ticket home.   





American Idol Review 4/14/09

April 15, 2009

Quentin Tarantino? Really? In all the Idol Wrap Ups I’ve done I don’t think I’ve ever – until tonight – felt compelled to start with a question. But, seriously, Quentin Tarantino? Random. I noticed that Katie Couric was in the audience also, so I assume she’s next week’s guest “mentor.” Or perhaps (fingers crossed) Alan Greenspan (who I believe is equally qualified).  I get it, the theme is “music from the movies,” and he’s a movie guy, but why not the king of movie themes, Bryan Adams? Half of them sang songs by him anyway. All due respect, I don’t let my cable guy do my dental work, and I don’t care for Quentin Tarantino as a music mentor. And I’ll be honest, he scares me a little. There, I said it.


Anyway, so Scott is gone, no big tragedy there. I didn’t catch most of last week’s results show, so not much to say there. Let’s get to the judges. Randy has a particularly ugly sweater on tonight with a weird stripe that looks like a girl scout sash. Great, now I’m craving cookies. Kara and Simon are wearing matching gray outfits. And Paula is wearing her signature “hand furniture” with some kind of beadazzled, shackle-like torture device around her neck. Good lord that looks heavy. She’s going to give herself scoliosis. Sigh. So Ryan starts off with an announcement that he suggests is “historic.” Wow, this should be good. Have they discovered that Paula’s jewelry can be used as an alternative fuel? Have they perfected time travel? Historic! What can it be? And the “historic” announcement is…(drum roll) the judges will not be giving feedback individually for each contestant, but instead will give feedback in teams, alternating between each singer. Huh? So they’re doing some kind of mixed doubles match with the judging? Well that’s just stupid. Don’t get me wrong, it obviously is “historic” in the same way as the Pilgrims landing at Plymouth Rock and the first moon landing, but it’s stupid. Simon blamed last week’s snafu on “the girls talking too much.” Oh, please. I know as much about television production as Quentin Tarantino knows about being a recording artist, but it seems to me that last week’s “overtime” fiasco should be credited to the show’s director, who, unlike Randy, does not own a watch the size of a Frisbee, and clearly has questionable time management skills. Here’s a thought, perhaps last week’s show would not have run long if you had spared us the ridiculous baby pictures and painful intro videos where we learned such “historic” information such as how one contestant was taken to the doctor because she talked too much, and another once dreamed of becoming a cab driver. I’m sure those who DVR’d the show would have gladly sacrificed those little tidbits for the greater good of actually seeing all the performances. Not only could we have tightened up the intro videos, but in addition, for the first few contestants Ryan had a live interview before the actual performance – so that was another waste of time. The director or production manager or whoever should have known early on that they were behind and made adjustments then, not with three minutes left and two contestants to go.  What a circus.


Allison Iraheta: We start with a fully caffeinated Quentin, who apparently takes his Red Bull intravenously. Allison looks terrified as he stares at her intensely while she sings. After offering his direction he asks her to sing it again, but this time he grabs a chair and says “let me sit down and take the pressure off.” Oh yes, your wild-eyed gaze and serial-killer vibe is so much less creepy when you’re sitting (and, p.s., the Hitler haircut is not helping). Strange. Anyway, her performance is solid and she hits some great notes. It’s team Paula and Simon for the judges: Paula said she has the same “special sauce” that Adam has. What is she, a chicken wing? Maybe you should lay off the “special sauce” Paula. Seasoning aside, Simon likes it too. Bottom Line: Dip her in some “special sauce” with a pinch of “good enough” and she should be cooking again next week.


Anoop Desai: Anoop sang “Everything I Do I Do for You“ by Bryan Adams. Oh dear, I am just not sure what to do with Anoop. He has a really good voice, but lately I can’t listen to him without feeling like I’m listening to the soundtrack they play at my dentist’s office. I take that back, my dentist plays less boring songs. The performance is over and I’ve fallen half asleep and am wiping away a trickle of drool from my chin (it really is like going to the dentist). Vocally it was very good – hit all his notes, strong voice, but a little dull. It’s “Team Kandy’s” turn to judge, and they both quite liked it. Bottom Line: The field is getting smaller, and his time here is short regardless of whether it’s this week or next. Does anyone care? I don’t.  


Adam Lambert: Adam sang “Born To Be Wild.” Not my favorite song choice, but he always makes it interesting. Crazy vocals, and that crazy note at the end – wow. That explains why his pants were so tight – I guess you need a tourniquet around your man morsels if you’re going to hit those really high girly notes. Paula, once again, seems to be scripting her feedback beforehand, and now she’s even trying to infuse a little Confucius or something and sound wise and profound. The evidence: “The reason, Adam, that you’re shaking up this whole competition is that you dare to dance in the path of greatness. You do. And I’m gonna tell you, fortune rewards the brave, and you’re one of the bravest contestants I’ve ever witnessed.”  Who does she think she’s fooling? She thinks “allegory” is what her Prada purse is made of. Simon glares at her, seething hostility, but gives Adam his props. Bottom Line: I believe it was Confucius who said: “When you sing the song of greatness your courage will be reflected in the rain dance of the path that leads you to good fortune of the greatness of the song you sing.”  Eat that, Paula.


Matt Giraud: Matt sang “Have You Ever Loved a Woman” or whatever it’s called. Oh, Matt. This is difficult for me. I think he is truly talented, but I was not feeling that performance.  He’s so inconsistent. One week he nails it, the next week he hits his thumb. Randy of “Team Kandy” thought he “fell down.” Kara agreed. What is Simon doing when Kara is talking? He looks like he’s coughing up a hairball. This show is getting weirder by the minute. Bottom Line:  Hate to say it, but my forecast is partly cloudy with a chance of packing.


Danny Gokey: Danny is singing “Endless Love,” which, albeit a sappy song, is not a bad choice for him. Quentin gives MASTERFUL advice by suggesting that Danny put his hands in his pockets so that “the power coming out of his fingers and toes” can instead come out of the eyes. Thank goodness someone finally said it. I have not been able to quite put my finger on what’s been off about Danny, and Quentin is so right. Those power toes of his have really been detracting from his eye singing. Danny embraces the advice and is practically unrecognizable without his signature glasses. His eyes sounded great, and his toes were relegated to the role of back-up singers. I take it back Quentin, you are a musical genius. Paula thought it was beautiful. Simon was disappointed that it was so traditional and true to the original – no originality, but still liked the vocal (or the focal, whatever). Bottom Line: He’ll be back next week – I feel it in my toes.


So, on a side note, there is all this hubbub about how there’s not enough time for all the critiques and it’s so hard to squeeze everything into an hour, and yet they come back from break and seem to have extra time to sit around the desk and do Randy imitations and uselessly goof around for a minute before the next singer. Uh huh. I have two words for the Fox network: time management.


Kris Allen: Kris sang “Falling Slowly” and did put his own spin on it. I didn’t love it, but I liked it better when I watched it a second time. Randy didn’t dig it and said it was “pitchy.”  Kara loved it, but said the song was obscure. Well maybe it’s not as mainstream as all of those smash hits by Quentin Tarantino, but it did win the Best Song Oscar last year and was performed on the Oscar telecast seen by hundreds of millions of people worldwide. I have it on my iPod, so it can’t be that obscure. Whatever. Bottom Line: Oh Kris, thank you for that “historic” performance. And for the record I’m not “falling slowly” I’m falling fast. Oh so fast.


Lil Rounds: Lil sang “The Rose” and did a good job overall, I thought. Not sure why she has feather dusters hanging from her earlobes, but otherwise I thought she looked pretty good. Paula gave cryptic feedback about the road being long, which came across as neither a criticism nor a compliment. That was productive. Simon said the song was too soft, and too middle of the road, and she is not the artist they met 7 or 8 weeks ago. Lil tried to defend herself, and said she put her own spin on it, but that just made things more uncomfortable. I think she’s just tired of getting beaten up. Bottom Line: The bloom is off the rose for Lil, and she could be in trouble this week. Well, I’ve got to go, Quentin Tarantino is here to do my taxes and give me my annual gyn exam. Is there nothing he can’t do?  Can’t wait for next week… rumor has it that the musical mentor will be the Maytag repairman. Yahoo!

Vintage Wrap Up 4/29/08


Let’s recap: Michael and Carly are gone, yet Jason and Brooke are still there. Hmmm. No wonder the planet is slowly coming apart at the seams. How can we keep the ice caps from melting when we can’t even vote off the appropriate contestants on a reality show? So sad. Anyway, on a happier note – it’s Neil Diamond week! I was so excited because I love Neil! The glittery shirts unbuttoned to the navel, the poofy 70’s hair, the toe-tapping melodies – he is the quintessential cheesy performer. He’s practically carved out of Velveeta, and I for one was hungry! Neil did not disappoint, the rest of the show however, was somewhat bizarre. Why was it so rushed? Ryan kept cutting people off and saying how tight for time they were. Through the whole show he was kind of twitchy and nervous like he just knocked over a liquor store and still needed to ditch the gun. It’s pretty much the highest rated show on television, so I think that Fox will give you an extra half hour if you need it. It made me very tense. And Paula? Totally off her meds. FABULOUSLY off her meds. No one embraces chemical imbalance quite like Paula. Simon, once again, was sort of sweaty and clearly paying homage to Neil with his unbuttoned shirt (Neil INVENTED that look). The whole production was eight shades of crazy. 


Of course there was an added degree of difficulty this week because everyone sang two songs. The judges couldn’t comment on each individual performance because everything was so freakin rushed. This caused Paula to be completely unable to function. I knew it was gonna be a good night when she started by saying, “Oh gosh, we’ve never had to write these things down, fast enough.” Uh huh. Then she started critiquing songs that had not yet been sung, which created a delightfully awkward moment. Ryan twitched more intensely and his hair stood on end (oh, no that was the hair gel), Randy had to gently correct her, Paula was then even more confused. Simon just looked at her like he was plotting her death (I think he has Kristy Lee Cook on speed dial). She fumbled frantically through her note cards. “This is hard,” she whined. I know, Paula. What is this black magic they call “taking notes?”  There’s this complicated pen thing that touches paper and makes lines – she doesn’t have a PhD for God’s sake! Who can blame a girl for being confused about that? I was dizzy with joy at the whole spectacle. Is that wrong?


Whatever. Here we go…


Jason: Speaking of dizzy…Oh, Jason. Song #1: If I had seen that performance in a high school talent show I would have thought it was great. By Idol standards, yeeesh. I like the strumming of the guitar vibe and all that, but really you could pluck him off the stage “as is” and put him in a subway station doing the same thing and he’d seem absolutely like he belongs there. Plus, it’s a better place to buy weed. Song #2: I kind of dozed off, but I don’t think it was as good as the first 2nd song that Paula imagined he sang, but actually didn’t. That’s really the nicest thing I can say about it. Bottom line: Last week…Broadway; this week…subway; next week…highway (emphasis on “high”).   


David C: I’m having an issue with the hair again – he’s going back to the weird comb-over look. Don’t do this to me David. We’ve worked too hard on this relationship to let it fall apart now over something so superficial. We might need couples therapy. Song #1: Pretty good performance. Voice sounded great, but didn’t love the song. Song #2: Loved it. He does have a knack for tweaking the arrangement so that it totally suits his style. Bravo, my love. Please put a hat on. The judges loved it. Then stupid, pharmaceutically-challenged Paula totally jinxed him. She said she thought she was already looking at this year’s American Idol. Zip it, Dopey – that’s the kiss of death on this show! So I predict he’ll be gone within two weeks. Come home to me, David. I will comfort you. Bottom line: He deserves to win it all – including the girl (and by “the girl” I mean a married, middle-aged mother of two – but we’ll make it work).


Brooke: Oh, Brooke. She seems very sweet. Virtuous even. I’m sure she loves animals and children and does volunteer work with the elderly when she’s not too busy running in slow motion through fields of wildflowers, but I need her to go home soon. Song #1: There’s plenty of room on that subway platform if you and Jason want to duet. Please stop trying to dance or move rhythmically in any way. It makes my eyes bleed. Thank you. Song #2: Quite a bit better. I like her when she’s at the piano doing a simple, heartfelt version of whatever. And the confines of the piano bench prevent her from dancing, which is a good thing too. I actually liked it, but again you just can’t compare her vocally to the Davids. Bottom line: Look! Wildflowers! Run toward them…         


David A: Song #1: The little fella can sing, for sure. Didn’t love it, but liked it. Song #2: Good. Solid. Again didn’t love it, but he really does have a terrific voice. He worked the whole patriotic angle with “Coming to America.” The judges loved it. He’s so darn aw shucks gosh golly endearing, there’s just no way he knows the truth about Santa Claus. Bottom line: He really should be surrounded at all times by adorable woodland creatures that can double as back-up singers all the way to (at least) the top two. Just ask Santa for it and he will make it so.


Syesha: I realized last night that I’ve been spelling her name wrong for weeks. Did anyone notice or care? I thought not. That’s the problem. Song #1: Hated it. Screamy. And what is with the bare feet? Do you remember who else used to occasionally perform barefoot? FANTASIA. I’m dead serious. I remember vividly because I was traumatized. I am not a person who enjoys feet. They’re icky, that’s why they’re at the bottom. They are the body’s ambassador to the floors of public bathrooms, and their mere design DEMANDS the sheltering embrace of shoe leather. Why do you think the good lord invented Payless? Song #2: More shoeless agony. A person can’t enter a filthy 7/11 in the middle of the ghetto without shoes, so shouldn’t the American Idol stage have the same minimum requirement? Performance-wise: too theatrical, showy, cruise shippy, annoying, arrogant, something. Bottom line: They won’t let you on the plane without shoes, so please get used to wearing them.     










American Idol Review 4/7/09

April 8, 2009

A couple of notes on last week’s show… My delicious David Cook was back performing a song called “Come Back To Me” –  a thinly veiled attempt to circumvent the restraining order and communicate with me once again. How do I explain this to Kris? I’ve missed you too DC. Did anyone notice David’s poor mom who was anchored to her chair under the crush of Paula’s jewelry? (You know Paula gave it to her as a little gift and she felt obligated to wear it.) That poor woman had on the wonder woman bracelet, great for both formal and casual occasions, as well as for deflecting bullets, and the flask necklace that Paula was wearing on her wrist a couple of weeks ago. Paula is such a wacko that she can actually pull off that look, but on an ordinary person it looked ridiculous. And Lady Ga Ga gave one of the weirdest performances I’ve ever seen. She had that glowing pink piano filled with bubbles and starfish, crazy dancers, lights, smoke – it was so hallucinogenic. For a minute I thought I was having a stroke. It scared me a little. So back to the elimination… and it’s a dream come true! Megan (Joy), I have seven words for you: “Bye bye birdie.”


And back to tonight… Ah yes, the theme is: songs from the years the contestants were born. Great. Thank you for reminding me that I’m freakin ancient compared to these singing toddlers. As if that’s not enough, we are now exposed to baby pictures of the judges. Umm, Kara, I hate to break this to you, but your mother resents your success and secretly hates you, because the photo she provided is really quite unflattering. It inspired Ryan to make this comment: “It looks like you just made a poopy.” Clever. He must have the third graders in stitches. Ugh. So, once again Paula has bejeweled herself with gigantic, glittering pieces from her collection. Seriously, the scale of that stuff is cartoonish. I am no longer comfortable classifying it as “jewelry” and will henceforth refer to it as “hand furniture.”  Randy is, well, Randy, and for a change Simon went with the “soot” colored sweater (not quite as dark as his “charcoal” sweater, but a shade darker than the “ash” one). I love to see him taking chances with his wardrobe. Well done. And so we begin…


Danny Gokey: So Danny performed the Mickey Gilley version of “Stand By Me” from 1980. Yes, 1980. Oh what a super year for me. Whilst teetering on the brink of puberty, I believe that was the year I got braces, and experienced my first acne outbreak. I’d like to thank “American Idol” for taking me back in time and prying open those crates of memories my subconscious had so carefully sealed.  Should I send the therapy bill to Fox headquarters, or directly to the theater where you film?  Anyway, I hated the arrangement. It was a weird calypso, carnival-ish kind of sound, which I think butchered the song itself. The vocal was good, though. The judges loved it. Bottom Line:  I didn’t really get the song, but then again, when that song was released I had a giant poster of Eric Estrada on my bedroom wall, so I’m in no position to judge. He’ll definitely be back next week.


Kris Allen: Kris was born in 1985. Ah yes, big hair and shoulder pads. Good times. OK, so strange little intro video where we learn that his childhood dream was to become a taxi cab driver, and his mom claims they would have been just as happy to see that dream come true. Hmm. Well, that’s just good parenting. Dare to dream kids… veterinarian, astronaut, bar fly, whatever. We’ll love you just the same. So, Kris sang “All She Wants To Do Is Dance.” All I wanted to do was leave. I thought it was a mess. And I hate when they perform on that little platform in the middle of the “mosh pit.”  Simon said it was a “stupid, stupid song choice.” I agree. Bottom Line: I hope you’re back next week, but I wouldn’t bet my acid wash jeans on it.


Lil Rounds: I kind of like her look tonight. I thought her outfit was oddly flattering – thank goodness she’s moved away from discarded prom dresses. But what is on her feet? Are those dog collars? I am no fashion guru, but even I know better than to buy shoes at Petco. Anyway, her year is 1984 and she’s doing “What’s Love Got to Do With It.” I thought it was okay, but she is just not connecting somehow. The judges have the same reaction. Bottom Line: Lil might be in trouble this week. I hope she stays, but then again, in 1984 I hoped my white ankle boots would never go out of style. So much for hope.


Anoop Desai: Anoop’s year is 1986. Ahhhh, yes, another good year. It makes me want to sneak off with a four-pack of wine coolers and have endless debates with my friends about which member of Duran Duran is the cutest. Gosh I was cool. Anyway,  I guess someone is in the holiday spirit, because Anoop is dressed like an Easter egg. Of course his song is “True Colors” so maybe he’s just trying to inhabit the lyrics so he can really deliver a heartfelt performance. The vocal was good, but again I was bored. I’ve kind of lost my affection for Anoop. The judges liked it. Bottom Line: Sigh. I’m sorry but I just don’t care. Despite his apologies and explanations about last week, I think he lost me. Stay. Leave. Whatever.  


Scott MacIntyre: Yet another 1985 song, “The Search Is Over” by Survivor. Seriously? Survivor? Why? I’m sure there were better songs than that in 1985. Would Jack Wagner not grant you permission to use one of his songs? Oh that was painful. The judges were not thrilled. I don’t really know what they said because I am distracted by the lipstick all over Paula’s teeth. Bottom Line: That song choice was more puzzling than a Rubik’s cube. I know Scott has his own little following, and I certainly like him personally, but it’s time to get serious about the vocals, and it’s not happening. He’s probably safe just based on popularity, but in terms of becoming the American Idol, as you said yourself Scott, the search is over (and it’s not you).  


Allison Iraheta: She was born in 1992?! Oh dear Lord. I could drink legally by then. In fact, I’m drinking legally right now. Thank you Allison for reminding me how much I love the law. The performance was good, not fantastic, but very solid. I wish she would really tear it up, because she has the pipes. The outfit is peculiar, biker chick from the waist up, bridesmaid from the waist down. It never occurred to me to mix ruffles and leather. Perhaps it’s another Petco selection – the poodle/pit bull gown. The judges liked it a lot (the performance, not the outfit). Bottom Line: Her perpetual presence in the bottom three makes me nervous, and aside from Adam I think she may have the best voice. C’mon Allison, more pit bull please.


Matt Giraud: Another crappy 1985 song: “Part Time Lover,” which is Stevie Wonder’s tribute to whoring around. Speaking of whoring around, Paula is on her feet dancing and hanging on Simon like a stripper at a bachelor party. Shudder. At this point they’re running way behind because the judges rush through the critique. They all liked it by the way. Bottom Line: I thought it was pretty good, but I don’t get why the judges are so enthused. I think he’s good for another week.


Adam Lambert: Adam’s year is 1982. Ah, yes – full blown puberty for me. (Are you there God? It’s me, Blog Lady.) Adam selected “Mad World.” Mad indeed. That boy has a flair for the dramatic. So the song starts and he’s got some kind of crazy lighting that was fashioned in such a way that the chair he was sitting on was obscured by the glare, thereby making him appear to be hovering on a pillow of light. (Is he squatting on Lady Ga Ga?) Anyway, rectal illumination notwithstanding, the vocals were ridiculously “on” and the performance was riveting. The judges were out of time at that point and didn’t get to give feedback individually, but Simon represented all of them with a standing ovation. Now there’s something you don’t see every day. Bottom Line: Do we continue with this charade, or do we anoint him now?  Can’t wait to see which orifice will be glowing next week…




American Idol Wrap Up 3/31/09

April 1, 2009

As usual, let’s start with a few comments on last week’s results show. I cannot take the group numbers any longer. These people can really sing and yet you make them lip synch, then you make them dance (sort of). If you’re going to cheese it up that much, why not go all the way and just have them wear matching white jumpsuits? And did anyone notice that, during the so called “live” performance, when they cut to Adam’s solo they showed him holding the microphone, and then a nanosecond later they cut to a wide shot and he was four feet away from the mike? So now they’re splicing in pre-recorded footage? Did they always do that and I’m just catching on? At the risk of sounding like an old geezer, I must say I miss the good old days when “American Idol” was actually live. Speaking of live performances, we had not one, but two Motown legends performing last week. First we had Smokey Robinson doing a duet with Joss Stone. I love them both individually, but boy oh boy, they went together like halibut and chocolate. She looked stoned and he was leering at her with those crazy eyes. It was like being at a wedding and seeing the old, drunk uncle hitting on one of the bridesmaids. Yuck. So then there was Stevie’s performance. It was a never ending medley of every song he ever recorded, culminating in some kind of “Hands Across America” gooey, saccharine song about war being bad, love being good, yatta yatta yatta. Oh, and they kept cutting to the contestants who were singing along, yet did not seem to know any of the words. Sigh.


Finally, it was Michael Sarver’s turn to go, but not without drama. What was that big fake pretend powwow with the judges deciding whether or not to use “the save?” As if. They were all huddled and tense and Ryan had to go over and see what was going on, and they all looked frazzled, oh such fake drama! You’re not going to waste the save on Michael frickin’ Sarver – we know it, he knows it, everyone knows it. Stop these shenanigans! And the nail biting conclusion…Uh, no, can’t save you, but the vote was like really, really close. Something like, zero out of a possible four – so that should be some comfort.


Housekeeping note: I got a surprising number of comments and emails in favor of posting more of last year’s reviews (you people seriously do not want to get back to work). So I threw another one in at the end for anyone who cares to stroll down memory lane, BUT I warn you – if you are a Fantasia fan, you might want to skip it. So here we go…


Anoop Desai: Now you know I like Anoop, he is a Carolina boy, which scores huge points in my book. That said, I absolutely HATED it. What happened to him? I think he’s getting a bit of an ego. He sneered his way through the whole thing and had weird little gestures and poses. What is he doing? And what is he wearing? Some kind of military jacket with chains? I have to say he bugged the crap out of me tonight. The judges were not loving it. I think Simon nailed it when he said he “came over like a wannabe.” Awful. And as if his performance didn’t kill it for me, then he got all sassy and arrogant in response to their feedback. Astonishingly, he even had the dumb quote of the night, “Her opinion is her opinion, all their opinion is, ah, you know, are their opinions, are their opinions.” Bottom Line: Keep this up and I’m going to need you to transfer to Duke. Definitely bottom three. That’s just my opinion is my opinion, ah, you know, in my opinion.


Megan Joy: Is it chains night? Why is everyone draped in chains? The theme of the night is “Popular Downloads” not “Famous Prison Breaks” or “Escaped Rottweilers.” Don’t walk too close to the pool sweetie, because if you fall in you’ll sink like a stone. Anyway, so, again, am I the last to catch on? I know that Ryan has been introducing her as Megan Joy, but I didn’t realize that when they put up her name and number on the screen, it just says Megan Joy, sans the Corkrey. Was it that way before and I just didn’t notice? So, she has dropped the “Corkrey” altogether? Interesting. Umm, Megan, assuming you are aware of my pet peeve about having three names, and also assuming that you made this change for my sake, may I first say thank you. That’s sweet. However, apparently you’re not aware of my other pet peeve, which is when people get so full of themselves because they’re on TV and now they suddenly drop their last name (a la Chickezie) as if they’re Madonna or Sting. So, you see Megan, you just can’t win with me. It’s best you go home. The judges agree. Bottom Line: No need to escape from this prison, we will return your belongings and happily release you with a sentence of time served.


Danny Gokey: ALSO draped in chains – around his neck, hanging from his belt, chains everywhere. I was not familiar with the song, but I thought he sang it well. Not much else to say. The judges loved it. Bottom Line: Dude, that was off the chain.


Allison Iraheta: OK, I don’t want to seem contradictory, but seriously, she would be better off if she were covered in chains. I’ve never seen anyone wear a belt, umm, vertically. Her whole look was bizarre. It makes me suspect that about 17 years and 9 months ago, the lead singer of White Snake had a one night stand with Pebbles Flintstone. Anyway, I love her voice, but didn’t think this was one of her better performances. I think the guitar threw her. It was like she was focused on that and didn’t let loose with her voice – if I had a vocal like that I would showcase the heck out of it, and she didn’t. Judges were mixed, but also hated the look. Bottom Line: Oh dear. I think she should be safe, but she seriously needs to snap out of it and make the folks back in Bedrock proud.


Scott MacIntyre: So Scott has had a little makeover and is looking better, although the hair is a bit poufy for my taste. At least no pink pants, thank goodness. I thought he was pretty good. Kind of a schmaltzy song in my opinion, but it suited him in a weird way. The judges quite liked it. Bottom Line: I think he kicked it up a notch and should be safe. He should thank Megan, Anoop, and Matt for being so crappy this week. Send them a fruit basket maybe, or just pick some from Paula’s necklace, whatever.


Matt Giraud: Matt, Matt, Matt. Now I’m annoyed. I really like Matt, but he just doesn’t learn. When he tries to do this Fray/Coldplay type of song it doesn’t work for him. And what is he doing in the audience with all those people crowded around him like they’re on a Tokyo subway? I hate these gimmicks. Just get on the stage and sing. This mosh pit nonsense makes me claustrophobic. Maybe it’s because I’m short and when I’m stuck in a crowd like that I always end up getting up close and personal with someone’s mammary. But I digress. The judges did not care for it. Bottom Line: Bottom three. C’mon Matt, you’re better than this. Keep it up and you won’t have to simulate a crowded subway because that’s where you’ll actually be performing.


Lil Rounds: Did not love the song, but she finally sang a song that actually showed her range. I thought the vocal was great. The judges liked the vocal but continue to pound her about song choice. They are obsessed with having her sing Mary J. Blige. Kara even suggested she sing a Mariah song, but of course whenever anyone sings Mariah they say, “Mariah is untouchable, you can’t sing Mariah, blah, blah, blah.” I thought she did better this week, although I continue to be confused by her hair, or rather someone else’s hair that appears on her head. Bottom Line: Definitely earned another wig, I mean another week.  


Adam Lambert: OK, so I know there are a lot of Adam fans who read this, so brace yourselves, I speak from a place of love. Yes, he is a BRILLIANT vocalist. But, I wasn’t feeling it. I did not get the song choice at all. Granted, he can make any song sound good, but there are a thousand songs that would have been better than “Play That Funky Music.” I am going to offer this rule of thumb: NEVER sing a song that was at any time ever recorded by Vanilla Ice. Also not loving the look this week – I think there’s a new hairstylist who apparently used to do hair for the touring production of “Grease” because Adam and Scott look freakishly like Danny Zuko and Kenickie tonight. I’m sorry, it’s true. I still think he’s an amazing singer, but not my favorite performance. The judges didn’t seem bothered by the song choice. It was painfully obvious that Paula’s commentary was completely scripted and rehearsed. First of all, she rattled it off way too fast, and as we all know, Paula navigates through words as gracefully as the Titanic navigates through icebergs. Not only was it fast, but all the words were in the right order. How often does that happen? Trust me, this was not a critique done “in the moment.” The evidence: “True genius does not fulfill expectations, true genius shatters it. There are artists who have longevity in this business because of their unique and riveting performance. I’ll name a few: Mick Jagger, Steven Tyler, and Adam Lambert.” Seriously, does that sound like anything that Paula would say? I think not. Maybe she should go back to using props. Again, the judges loved it. Bottom Line: No brainer. He’ll be playing that funky music for a long time.


Kris Allen: I thought he was very good this week – very good arrangement and vocal – and I’m not just saying that because he’s magically delicious. The judges loved it. Kara said she had three words for him: “That was artistry.” Good counting, Kara. Next week we’ll cover peek-a-boo and waving bye, bye. Bottom Line: Maybe next time Kara can try four words: “See you next week.”




Vintage Wrap Up April 8, 2008


OK. So the theme of the week was inspirational songs. Are you frickin kidding me? Do you know what inspires me? Songs that don’t suck. I’d rather have YET ANOTHER Beatles week than suffer through “inspirational” songs ever again. Overall I thought the whole show was sort of random and out of synch – from the drippy theme of the week, to the flat performances, to Paula’s tourniquet of a dress (was she bleeding internally?), and especially to the hairy little fellow who was sitting on Simon’s lap after one of the commercial breaks. What was that about? Creepy.


P.S. B’bye Ramiele! So happy to see her go. Wish she had taken Kristy with her.


Here we go…


Michael: Everyone knows I love Michael. He’s beautiful, with the added bonus that he is actually very talented. It pains me to say that I was not crazy about his performance. And what’s with the ascot? He’s got a weird “Thurston Howell the Third” vibe going on. Not that I have anything against Thurston. He was a millionaire, after all, which is hot in itself despite the fact that he looked like a pothole. But I digress. Bottom line: I think he deserves another week. Lose the ascot. Lose the pants (thought I’d try to sneak that in there).    


Sayesha: Alright. On the one hand…she can certainly sing, but on the other hand…I just don’t care. On “Inspirational Songs” night, I just can’t get inspired. Aside from her performance, I was quite taken aback by the judges’ comments (Randy’s in particular). There was much reverence for Fantasia’s version of the song – yes FANTASIA, who Randy called “one of the best singers to ever grace that stage.” What? I can’t stand Fantasia. And, in my opinion, she’s hardly one of the best – and certainly not one of the most successful. Raise your hand if you own a Fantasia album. Uh huh. Yes, she won that year (the worst year) when she beat out freakin Diana DeGarmo. There’s a household name. Please. Raise your hand if you have a Diana DeGarmo album. That’s what I thought. Bottom line: Sayesha and Fantasia can both hop on a boat and float off into the ocean. I wouldn’t notice.


Jason: Very appropriate song for Jason since he probably – quite literally – was having a hallucination about floating over a rainbow at that very moment (oh, c‘mon, he is constantly stoned). And he could be so cute if he would lose that nasty, ratty, dreadful hair. Although I suspect that’s where he hides his weed. Anyway, I thought he was in his element. That’s exactly the kind of song and performance that suits him – that’s where his money is. Not the best vocalist, but when he’s on, he’s one of the most appealing performers.  Bottom line: He should be good for another week.


Kristy: She was actually pretty good this week (for her) – one of her better ones I think. Usually her performances leave me curled up in fetal position praying for the sweet release of death, so this week was an improvement in that regard. BUT, here’s my problem with Kristy…nothing. I feel nothing for her. She is beige. In a mixed bouquet of flowers, she would be the carnation. Nothing wrong with carnations, but nothing great either. They’re filler flowers. She’s just taking up space in the vase. Her best performance is not as interesting as say one of Carly’s worst. She’s sweet, she’s pretty, she has a good voice, but blah, blah, blah I don’t get it. Bottom line: Who’s voting for her? She must have a really big family. A big, hard-of-hearing family that owns all sixteen of the Diana DeGarmo records ever sold.     


David C: Something happened for me last week with David. Maybe it was the new haircut, but all of a sudden he was kind of hot. I think I might love him. Not the lustful kind of love I have for Michael that leaves me (as previously confessed) licking my television screen, but a deep, spiritual love that can only be cultivated over time – five weeks to be exact (minus the time between shows, then deduct commercial time and the time when he is not actually on camera, and it’s more like a love that’s been cultivated over nine and a half minutes, but whatever, it’s real and we don’t need any of you as long as we have each other). Anyway, it started when he rocked out that Lionel Richie song. That’s right, here it comes…he had me at “Hello.” Last week, with the good haircut, good performance, and general cuteness, I think I may have fallen for him. That being said, I reeeaalllly did not care for the song. Not one of his better vocals either – it didn’t showcase his voice, and he has a great voice! Randy and Simon didn’t like it. Simon was downright mean. He said it was “pompous” because of the white jacket he was wearing. Huh? Should I boycott thinly-sliced ham because of those “pompous” deli clerks with their “white jackets?” Simon, I think the white jacket is the least of your concerns when just three minutes earlier you had a grown man   sitting on your lap. David looked sad. I simply must hold him. Bottom line: Call me.


Carly: I really like her voice, and I like her honesty and humor. She seems genuine. Didn’t love the song choice. I don’t know, I really want to be dazzled by her because I think she can do it! But I need her to step up her game. Bottom line: Definitely hope she stays another week, but pick a better song and sing it with all you’ve got.


David A: Still adorable, but hated the song. Simon apparently thinks it’s “one of the best pop songs ever written.” Seriously? Well, maybe if Fantasia recorded it, and if every living being in the entire universe suddenly went deaf. Otherwise, I’ll pass. Simon also thinks he looks good with his shirt open and his hair parted straight down the middle, so there’s that. Back to David: Didn’t like the beginning, but he brought it home at the end. I still think the song is very saccharine and just plain stupid, but I do love little David. Bottom line: Of course you can stay – you’re cuter than a basket full of baby chicks!  


Brooke: You know, I like her voice – she’s got the whole smoky thing going for her, and generally I like her. This week, she didn’t do it for me. Here’s how you know the performance was boring (and I swear this actually happened): You know it’s dull when 30 seconds into the song you and your husband drift off into a conversation about how you should probably pick up some Frontline for your dogs because flea and tick season is upon us. I’m totally serious. As she was warbling away, we were contemplating the potential impact of biting insects on our canines. That can’t be good. Not to mention the fact that it doesn’t make my marriage seem particularly steamy (if he brings home carnations tonight I’m going to kill myself with a brick). Bottom line: I think she deserves another week, but kick it up a notch, girl. And for heaven’s sake, have a sandwich or something – you’re way too thin.   


American Idol Wrap Up 3/25/09

March 26, 2009

Once again I’ll start with a couple of notes on last week’s show. So Alexis is gone. That’s fine. She has a really good voice, and should have outlasted Michael and Megan (Joy), but otherwise not a big surprise, and not a bad goodbye. May I say that I am so OVER the group numbers. The songs have been hideous (actually some of the songs themselves were pretty good until they were butchered by the group), and the performances seem to be lip-synched and so cheesy. And their weekly Ford commercial? Painful. Whose idea was it to have Scott MacIntyre throwing water balloons at a moving target? That was uncomfortable.


There was a strange video montage that showed everybody walking around with surgical masks, allegedly to avoid the flu that was going around, but I suspect they were still paying tribute to Michael Jackson. And what was that whole moment when Michael Sarver looked into the camera and tearfully addressed his little girl? Gag. First of all, he’s not the only one with kids up there, so why single him out? And second, in the earlier episodes, did they not cram down our throats the fact that he has one of the most dangerous jobs in the world as a “roughneck” and basically risks his life every time he goes to work? And now we’re supposed to feel bad because he’s separated from his family for a few weeks while he enjoys luxury accommodations while pursuing a career in showbiz? Please. Millions of parents have to travel on business sometimes. Get the kid some Webkinz and call it good, you’ll be home soon enough (I hope).


So back to tonight, here come the judges…Simon is wearing his signature itchy-looking black sweater (which he also owns in every shade of gray imaginable). Randy is wearing, umm, the ocean? Paula is going with the tutu tonight, which she has accessorized with what I believe to be a tar pit on one hand, and on the other…what appears to be EPCOT Center. Kara’s wearing a bib and has her hair coiffed in such a way that makes her look like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. GASP! I just had an epiphany! It’s all coming together now. No wonder this show seems so surreal sometimes. I think it’s all just a metaphor for the Wizard of Oz. That’s why they added Kara. Think about it – She is Dorothy, a newcomer to this strange land inhabited by a big dopey lion (Randy), a brainless sack of sticks (Paula), and a heartless stiff (Simon). And, just for good measure, we have Ryan thrown in as Glenda the Good Witch to guide us merrily along. Fascinating. And on to the singers…


Matt Giraud:  Matt sang “Let’s Get It On.” Well, if you insist…I thought that was hot. Matt’s really coming into his own. I dug it with a shovel. The judges loved it. Bottom Line: Just keep following the yellow brick road, Matt. You’re doing fine.


Kris Allen: Kris sang “How Sweet It Is,” and really did a nice job. Not sure why he’s dressed like a member of the Military Police. Maybe he came directly from an audition for the role of Rolf in “The Sound of Music?” Hmm. Either way he’s just adorable. I wish they’d stop showing his wife in the audience, she is really getting in the way of our relationship. The judges all really liked it. Bottom Line: I don’t think that house is ready to fall on his head quite yet.


Scott MacIntyre: Who dressed him? That’s just mean. Anyway, on to the performance… May I say I love the backup singers hanging out at the piano! It made me realize that’s what is missing from my life – back-up singers (or dancers). Imagine having your own little pips following you everywhere you go. Fantastic! The judges had mixed reviews, Paula and Simon quibbled, then Paula said she had something for Simon and proceeded to disappear under the table. Uhhh, awkward. Anyway, she then popped up with some coloring books and a Crayola 64 pack (no doubt to promote the new color inspired by Allison’s hair – Radioactive Rhubarb!), and made some joke about Simon being a six-year-old. Is she trying to do comedy now? With props? Apparently she’s headlining with Carrot Top at Caesar’s Palace. She’ll be here all week folks, try the scampi… Bottom Line: Comedy, and crayons, and quips, oh my! I think Scott is safe, but Paula’s stand-up career…not so much.  


Megan Joy Corkrey: OK, again Ryan introduced her as Megan Joy, everyone else calls her just Megan – the three names confuse me. I made my opinion on that very clear last season when we were suffering through the dark days of Kristy Lee Cook.  When I mentioned my pet peeve about this a couple of weeks ago a few people asked me to elucidate, so at the end of this week’s review you will see that I pasted in one of last year’s wrap-ups that explains my concerns. It’s partially an administrative issue, and also has something to do with Dick Cheney, but anyway, it’s there if anyone is interested (or just doesn’t want to go back to work quite yet). Back to Megan (Joy)…Randy said it was “a train wreck.” Kara said, “You hit bad notes all over the place.” Paula complimented Megan’s appearance (she always tells them how pretty they look when she didn’t like the performance) then said it was “very confusing.” Simon said, “It was horrible.” Enough said. Bottom Line: Beware the flying monkeys.


Anoop Desai:  Yes, I think Anoop can sing, and I like him. That said, I was bored to tears. Judges pretty much liked it, but they agreed he needs to switch it up and do something that doesn’t involve REM sleep. If he keeps this up he’ll be headlining the snooze-a-palooza tour with Yanni and Kenny G. Bottom Line: I don’t remember what happened, all I know is that I woke up in a field of poppies…


Michael Sarver: Is this “American Idol” or the Rosenfeld Bar Mitzvah? I’ve seen a hundred local bands with similar or better lead singers. Oh dear. I’m so done with him. Paula said it was “old Las Vegas loungey.” Simon couldn’t wait for it to end and said he had no chance of winning. I’ll give Michael this, he took it like a gentleman. And he looks really pretty tonight. Bottom Line: Time to click those heels together three times and say…(well, you know the rest).


Lil Rounds: My prayers to Tim Gunn were finally answered! Lil is wearing something that I think is fabulous on her (really – loved the dress, very Tina Turner). But then she ruins it by plopping a bad, James Brown wig on her head. (Toto? Is that you?) What the? Anyway, the song was a little screamy, but pretty good I thought. The judges were mixed. Bottom Line: Oh, I get it, Lil is playing the role of the cyclone. You need to pull it together, Lil. And for heaven’s sake, please take Toto off your head.


Adam Lambert: Welcome to Extreme Makeover: Adam Edition. Who is this guy? Call Nancy Drew ‘cause we’ve got ourselves a mystery. He’s like a whole different person. Hello young Elvis! That was the most radical “AI” transformation since Clay Aiken became a lesbian (oh c’mon, who could forget that surprise appearance he made a few seasons ago when everyone thought he was k.d. lang?). Anyway, once again the dumb quote of the night goes to Kara, who said (and again I swear this is word for word), “I’ve got six words for you: One of the best performances of the night.” Now, I don’t want to brag about my math skills, but I count eight words. So, how are we doing this? Do you pick which six he gets, does he order a la carte? I don’t understand. What can I say? Crazy vocal skills. I know that musical notes range from A through G, but seriously, Adam has discovered H, I, and J. The judges LOVED him. Bottom Line: The Great and Powerful Oz has spoken.


Danny Gokey: Danny sang “Get Ready” and did a pretty good job, but I wasn’t loving it as much as I wanted to. I did not like the fact that he said he was going to take Smokey Robinson’s advice and sing the back-up part, then actually didn’t. You don’t diss Smokey. At this point the show was obviously running long because the judges rushed through the feedback portion. They were mixed, but overall thought it was okay. Bottom Line: Don’t get too confident, your reservation in the Emerald City has not been confirmed yet.


Allison Iraheta: Really strong vocal. I think her voice is terrific. The judges loved it. Poor Allison had to smile politely while Simon and Paula continued their nonsense with the crayons. Simon drew a moustache on Paula (she just paid a fortune to have those lines removed!), and it was all very strange. Bottom Line: Good work, Allison. Now there’s a horse of a different color.



Vintage Wrap Up – April 15, 2008


So, I’m sitting here getting comfy for Idol, and I am compelled to reflect for a moment on last week’s TRAGIC results show. I am having a tough time saying goodbye to my beautiful Michael. Thanks to all who expressed concern for my well being – I am OK. Yes it was shocking. And my beautiful Michael looked so sad. I just wanted to give him a big, supportive hug (and by “supportive” I mean “erotic” and by “hug” I mean “lap dance” – but let’s not argue over semantics). What happened? I have three theories: First, I think there is a strong possibility that people assume he’s safe and don’t bother voting for him. Second, those stupid, fat-fingered voters are hitting the wrong buttons. Third (and most plausible), it’s a government conspiracy masterminded by Dick Cheney. If memory serves, I believe we concluded that Mr. Cheney was the evil puppeteer behind last season’s premature ousting of Melinda Doolittle, and now he has struck again – even more potently. Damn you, Dick Cheney.


Anyhoo, I struggled through the weekend. To help me through the grief process, I took some time to reflect and do some serious soul searching, and it really helped. That, plus quite a bit of liquor and perhaps some prescription meds that I stole from my husband’s Nana (allegedly), but that’s not important right now. The point is, I have decided to keep watching the show.

And here we go…


It’s Mariah Carey week, and I must tread softly, because although she’s kind of easy to make fun of, my dear friend Matt is a big fan and I don’t want to offend him. She looked fabulous, for starters. And she made a grand “pop star” entrance in her intro video by touching down in her personal helicopter (which was tricky because there was no helicopter landing pad, but fortunately they were able to land on Randy’s wristwatch). She was actually very nice to the contestants and seemed to give good vocal advice. I was somewhat distracted by what appeared to be maybe a Hello Kitty Band-Aid on her hand (could have been Barbie, I don’t know). Now, I’m not saying she’s dumb, but I did notice that on the opposite wrist she was wearing what looked like a candy bracelet (seriously, I think it really was). So my guess is that she got a little hungry, went in for a nibble, and chewed on the wrong hand, thus necessitating the Band-Aid (it’s just a theory, Matt). In any event, it was odd, but she did look great otherwise.  


David A: Very good start to the show. Thought his voice sounded really good. I think Simon was right on when he said he knew that David would sing that “When you Believe” song. He loves that uplifting, kumbaya crap. He is adorable, but he’s so wholesome and earnest, part of me wants him to skank it up a bit – just for fun. Bottom line: He is a cutie, still. Definitely should stay, but if he sings “This Little Light of Mine” next week, I will reverse digest.   


Carly: I thought it was really sweet that she said how much they all missed Michael. Although I wish she’d brought a visual aid. The judges seem especially harsh on her. The girl can sing, dawg. I have to say, though, I think her days are numbered. She just doesn’t knock it out of the park. I thought she looked really good, too (except for the dark hose). Can we address the husband? You know I hate to judge people, but I happen to be wearing a black robe and holding a gavel, so I’ll give it a shot. What possesses a person to tattoo his face to such a degree? He looks scaly. It’s like he’s half man, half serpent, or lizard, or something. Probably a lovely person, but he freaks me out little. Bottom line: I still really like her, but I think that Carly and Puff the Magic Dragon may have an opportunity to spend a lot more time together – and soon.


Sayesha: I actually thought she was really good. I hate to say that because I kind of want to dislike her, just based on past shows when she annoyed the hell out of me. I don’t know. Bottom line: It pains me to say it, but I think she’s earned another week.


Brooke: Girls, you are KILLING me. Here’s my problem: I want to hate Kristy and Sayesha, yet they are getting better. I want to like Carly and Brooke, but they are missing an ingredient lately and just plain letting me down. First of all, Brooke, bring back the straight hair, it’s more flattering. The whole wild curly hair makes her look very 80’s heavy metal band. I thought it was good, simple, classy, just not earth shattering. Mixed reviews from the judges. Simon said something to the effect that she needed some meat in her bun. Is it me, or does that sound dirty? If Michael ever said that to me, I would marry him on the spot. Bottom line: I don’t know. I can’t connect this week. It wouldn’t break my heart if she went home. 


Kristy (Lee): First of all, never trust anyone with three names because there is a theory that generally these people are assassins – Lee Harvey Oswald, John Wilkes Booth, Olivia Newton John (trust me, she’s gonna snap any day now). What bothers me, is that I don’t know whether the “Lee” is part of her first name, or a stand alone middle name, or part of the last name. Basically, I don’t know where to file her (literally, figuratively, vocally), and that is troublesome. I thought she was actually good this week, but I’ll say it again: Carnation. I just don’t care. Bottom line: I beg you, Mr. Cheney, please release her from this sinister web you have spun.   


David C: Damn he can sing. I didn’t love the beginning, but he definitely ended it in fine form. I was bummed out seeing his sick brother in the audience – that was sad. I love that David got all choked up, even though, generally speaking, I don’t enjoy emotion of any kind. He clearly needs me to comfort him. I still love him, and I’m still finding him to be surprisingly hot. He is just a great performer, and probably should win (although he probably won’t because usually the best ones are eliminated in about fourth place) Bottom line: I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.


Jason: He got mixed, but pretty good reviews overall. I thought it was weak. He does a weird facial contortion sometimes, which makes me feel that either he’s having a stroke, or something on that stage smells really bad (it’s your hair, dude – wash it). Bottom line: I guess my comments for Jason are directed at everyone except the Davids, and they are as follows: One of you is standing in (what is rightfully) Michael’s spot. If you are not able to provide me with an equal level of eye candy (which you are not), then please at least provide me with an equal level of vocal performance. In other words, BRING it. You might as well lay it all on the line, because chances are Dick Cheney has already determined your fate, and if he wants you gone, you’ll be gone. And by “gone” I mean “assassinated.” Why do you think Kristy LEE Cook is still there?


American Idol Wrap Up 3/17

March 18, 2009


Here we go again… So, let’s begin with some notes on last week’s results show. HIGHLIGHT of the night: before introducing the new rule they rolled a video montage of previous non-winning contestants that included approximately 2.9 seconds of footage of my beautiful Michael! He just can’t let me go – I knew it. Anyway, to recap, Jasmine and Jorge are gone (no big surprises there, no tears shed). Kelly Clarkson performed her new song, “My Life, Would Suck, Without You.” That’s a beautiful lyric, is it not?  Actually, it would be a perfect wedding song for me and Michael. Brides-to-be everywhere are clamoring for it, no doubt. It might make a lovely father/daughter dance as well, much catchier than “Butterfly Kisses.” Well done, Kelly. Brava.


So enough already with the “new twists.“ Is there a new producer or something who suddenly wants all these stupid changes – new judge, new format, cutesy camera angles – they’ve revamped a lot of things. The show has been enormously successful for years just as is. So why come in and change it all up? After all the hype the big reveal was this: The “Judges’ Save” rule, which as I understand they can use only once the entire season (not once per contestant, but once – period – so spend it wisely); BUT, it must be unanimous. So, if America votes you off in accordance with this voting system (which is really just a marketing scheme for AT&T Wireless), the judges have the option of negating those millions of votes at their whim and “saving” the rejectee so he/she can live to sing another week. So what’s the point of voting? If that’s the case then let’s just forget the singing and the voting altogether and have a Rock/Paper/Scissors smackdown – winner takes all. It’s ON! I’m telling you, this show is moving in the wrong direction. They are one showcase showdown away from becoming the musical version of “The Price Is Right.” Ugh.


Back to tonight… the show is about to start and I am all a titter!  (Not really, but I’m hoping if I use the word “titter” my blog hits will increase.) Anyway, may I say I am completely annoyed with the ridiculous new introductions. This calls for a deliberate and exaggerated run-on sentence: I thought the new intro was just for last week’s show – first show on the “big” stage, but apparently every week the judges will do that stupid entrance where they strut out onto the stage and you think for a second you’re watching “The Mod Squad” then they sort of pose for a minute and you think for a second you’re watching “America’s Next Top Model,” then you see Paula’s glorious cleavage and you think no it’s “Rock of Love,” then suddenly you’re  thrown into a panic because you see Ryan coming down the stairs with that new angle on him which has the camera looking up in such a way that makes him look enormous and now you feel like you’re a Japanese pedestrian in a Godzilla movie.  It’s sixty seconds into the show and I am completely disoriented! Anyway, speaking of being all a titter, that is quite a dress Paula is wearing. Is she pressurizing coal in there in hopes of making real diamonds for her jewelry line? Paula, the girls are like plants, they need air and sunlight. Wow. Moving on…


And, it’s country night. Rats. As many of you know I am not a country fan. I just do NOT get the whole Grand Old Opry thing and all the hoopla about how it’s such a big deal if you’re asked to become a member. If I had a choice between a membership in the Grand Ole Opry or a Sam’s Club membership, I would happily choose option two. (Who doesn’t get excited about a bottle of Advil the size of a Volkswagon!?) Anyway, history has shown us that country night is often disastrous for Idol contestants, so we’ll see…


Michael Sarver: And the bland played on… Good thing he went first, because when he performs in the middle or near the end I just doze off. The song was kind of peppy, but I couldn’t understand a word he said. I know the song is written that way with the words all jammed together, but give me a break – I was just getting reoriented after seeing Ryan’s gigantic shoe crushing down on my head  and now I’m spinning after that dizzying ride on your lyrical tea cups. And again, I don’t think there’s anything special or appealing about him – I put him on my I DON’T GET IT list along with daylight savings time, and taxidermy, and Pauly Shore – I just don’t get it. His voice is pretty good, but millions of people have a “pretty good” voice. Apologies to the Sarver fans, but I don’t think he belongs here. DISCLAIMER: In all honesty I cannot make this stuff up and I SWEAR to you I replayed it three times to get the exact quote, and it’s a dilly! This was what Paula said: “It, to me, allowed to see you having fun which made us have fun, and, it, your artistic ability to take a harmonica player, it added charm, it boosted your confidence and your fun. I thought that this is the genre that is, suits you so well.” Someone is off her meds again – YAHOO! Judges were kind of mixed. Bottom line:  thewordsinyoursongweretooclosetogetheranditreallygotonmynerves. And, P.S. It did not boost my fun or my artistic ability to take a harmonica player.


Allison Iraheta: Love her voice, but I wish she’d picked a song that showed off her range. I think Kara started taking whatever meds Paula stopped taking, because Kara said something REALLY stupid. Mind you, she said it enthusiastically and as a compliment:  “I am starting to think that you could sing the alphabet.” Well, duh Kara. Actually I’m pretty sure that every English speaking person on the PLANET over the age of TWO can sing the frickin ALAPHABET! Sing along with me, I think you all know the lyrics, “a…b…C…D…EF…G” I’m pretty sure you meant to say, “you could sing the phonebook,” which is of course the more common showbiz expression. Oh Kara, my dictionary, would suck, without you.  Bottom Line: Definitely solid, quite possibly the best female in the mix. The following is a public service announcement: Illiteracy is rampant in this country and I think we desperately need an Idol who can sing the alphabet. Please vote for Allison for the sake of the children. Won’t you?   


Kris Allen: There’s my little squeaky toy. I thought his vocal was good, although I hate to say I found the performance (and/or song I guess) kind of boring. The judges really liked him tonight, so I’m happy for that. He looked good, and really I don’t notice anything beyond that. Bottom Line: Squeak, squeak. I’ll play with you next week.


Lil Rounds: Not a good genre for Lil. And seriously, the outfits need work.  Hear me out ladies, so you know when you’re asked to be a bridesmaid and your previously normal friend falls into that wedding vortex that sucks away all of her fashion sense and tricks her into thinking “Butterfly Kisses” is a great song? Then she picks out some hideous bridesmaid’s dress and tells you in all seriousness that the great thing is that you can wear it again? And you think, as what, a Halloween costume, an oven mitt? Well, it seems that Lil takes that to heart, because I’m fairly certain I wore that same dress in a wedding, like, 12 years ago, right before I donated it to a charity serving homeless prom-goers. Sigh. Well, again, her voice is solid, but I’m still waiting to be blown away.  Judges had mixed opinions. Bottom Line: Still a contender for sure, need to amp up the vocal, but the good news is you could SO wear that dress again.


Adam Lambert: Uhhhh, WOW.  The intro video was hilarious. Randy Travis was scared to death! What is Adam wearing? He apparently is the lone survivor of some futuristic planetary implosion and is now roaming what was formerly known as earth so that he may destroy all mutants threatening his existence. The arrangement was, umm, unusual. He had a weird snake charmer vibe or something. The music, the sinister tone, the flames on the video screens around Adam, it was like a satanic ritual. I was half expecting to see a human sacrifice, but they probably couldn’t find a virgin (it is Hollywood after all). I’m scared and confused. I was raised Catholic and I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t have watched that. He definitely hit some crazy vocal heights again, but yeesh, that was so weird. I wouldn’t say Johnny Cash was necessarily spinning in his grave, but I suspect he arose from the dead just so he could kill himself again. The judges were mixed – but you have to give Adam some props – it was memorable. Bottom Line: He has such a (pardon the term) “cult” following that I think he’ll get through regardless of one week that was bad (?), strange (?), scary (?), creepy (?).  Just as a precaution I had a priest come by to douse my TV with holy water, so I think that both Adam and my eternal soul are safe for another week.


Scott MacIntyre: I do sort of like him at the piano, but let’s be honest, his vocal is not that strong. He’s good, but not phenomenal. Although there is a charm and sweetness about him, and I would like to see him stick around a little longer. The judges were a mess on this one. Paula advised him to come out from behind the piano. Simon told him to keep the piano and ignore Paula. Then they had a little tiff. Poor Scott. Bottom Line: I hope to see him next week with his piano. No, I mean without his piano. No with it. No, I mean without it. Oh never mind. 


Alexis Grace: Hmm, not bad, but not terrific. I didn’t think it was a very strong performance, and I was not crazy about the song. And may I say that I am really sick of the judges telling her she should “dirty it up” and go back to the whole sex kitten vibe she was going for in the past. First of all, she looks like she’s ten. I don’t think she’s even gone through puberty yet, she looks like one of those poor pimped out children in those awful “Little Miss Trailer Park” pageants. I know she can pull off the vixen vocal, but the “dirty” look the judges want to see is SO disturbing on someone who looks so freakin YOUNG. Bottom Line: Dear Alexis, I don’t think you had a very good week, and I seriously doubt you’re a top contender anyway, so you may not be around much longer. To help you through this confusing time I have enclosed a copy of a book titled “Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.” This should answer most of the questions you have, and will also scare the crap out of you and cause you nightmares for years to come. Please feel free to contact the school nurse with any questions you may have.


Danny Gokey: Well the coldness between Simon and Paula seems to have made him chilly because he’s wearing a parka. No, Simon says he’s going on an expedition – yes, that’s what it is – he’s dressed like that old fellow from the board game CLUE. Now where is that pith helmet? Vocals are always solid. Danny is just plain good. Bottom Line: Who secured a spot in next week’s show? It was Col. Mustard, on the stage, with the microphone. Well played.


Anoop Desai: Excellent song choice for Anoop, “You were always on my Mind.” I thought he was really, really good this week – so much better. Not sure about the argyle hoodie he’s wearing. The theme is country and you’re dressed like a preppie gangsta? Not computing. The judges thought he was very good. Paula said the song fit him like a glove and last week “the glove didn’t fit.” Thank you, Johnny Cochran. Bottom Line: Gloves, no gloves, I think he’s earned another week.


Megan Joy Corkrey: OK, I am definitely not hearing the same vocal as the judges. I thought she was TERRIBLE, but the judges liked it. Apparently she’s had the flu, blah, blah, blah. I can’t deal with her anymore. I think they’re keeping her to meet some kind of “equal opportunity employer” standards or something – there’s a mentally impaired judge, a legally blind contestant, so I guess they need someone to represent the tone deaf population. After all, this is America! (Does anyone know the citizenship requirements for Canada? Please advise.) And will you PLEASE stop shifting and twisting like you’ve got sand in your bathing suit! Bottom Line: Maybe it’s not the flu, honey. I think you’re just homesick. And there’s only one cure for that…


Matt Giraud: Really loving Matt more and more. It’s tough competition, but damn he should be a contender. I SO dig him at the piano. Kara said: “There ain’t nothing small about you!” Really, do tell… Paula said he was authensit, authenticitish, authen-citrus, well anyway she said he was piercing our hearts. Bottom Line: My heart is authentricitously pierced.