Posts Tagged ‘Alex Lambert’

American Idol Wrap Up 3/16/10

March 17, 2010

Yes, yes, I know. I didn’t review the boys last week. Sorry. Occasionally I have a life. I did fast forward through it yesterday and I see that I missed very little in terms of performances. Is it me or did Lee, Alex, Tim, Andrew, and Casey basically give the same generic, lukewarm performance over and over again? I feel like I could have seen any of those acts at any Sheraton lounge on a Friday night. Not that I hang out in hotel lounges, as far as you know. Dammit, I’ve said too much. Aaron was blah, too. I actually kind of liked Todrick, and Michael was the best of the night. As for Simon and Kara, I see the spooning has escalated to heavy petting. Gross. And Kara’s crying? Here’s what I say to you, Kara: I knew Paula Abdul, Paula Abdul was a friend of mine, and you, sir, are no Paula Abdul.  

Anyway, as far as the eliminations go…  Katelyn, Todrick, Alex and Lilly. Disagree, to some extent, but I don’t think any of them would’ve gone the distance anyhow.

Now that we’re caught up, let’s get to the top twelve! Let’s check in with the judges… I see that after a brief foray into the sleazy world of v-necks, Randy is back to his trusty cardigan. And much to my surprise, Simon is showing solidarity by also sporting the cardigan (still sticking with the gray, though). Well good for you, boys. The vigil continues. They will not stop wearing cardigans until Mister Rogers is recognized as the fashion visionary he was (and a shout out to my boy, King Friday… HOLLLAAA). Ellen is two elbow patches short of looking exactly like an English professor I had in college. And Kara is, well… what is that on her chest? Oh, it’s a solar panel. Excellent, she’s trying to harness the sun’s energy to power her brain. We’ll see.   

So it’s Rolling Stones night – great selection for the kids, at least. And is there a better looking band than the Rolling Stones? I really should call Directv and cancel the high-def.  Here we go…

Michael:  Michael sang “Miss you” and did a solid job. He really shouldn’t dance. He dances like Re-run from What’s Happening. Ancient show, obscure reference, I know… but some of you out there will get it. Randy said, “Way to start the show baby.” Ellen said it was amazing. Kara really liked it, but spoke of Mick Jagger in only the past tense for some reason. He’s not dead, Kara, that’s just how he looks. Simon said it was kind of corny and desperate. And what is that odd moment when Ryan comes off the stage and bears down on Simon, causing Simon to back away? Really Simon? Yes, there’s nothing more intimidating than a 140-pound “game show host” bearing down on you with those manicured nails and perfectly plucked eyebrows. That’s hard core. Bottom line: See you next week, unless of course Ryan scares you away.  

Didi: She sang “Playing with Fire” and was pretty good – good song choice. I thought she was MUCH better  – not so shrill. Randy said she was on fire. Ellen liked it. Kara liked her intensity. Simon said it was solid, but not brilliant. Bottom line: Don’t know if that was too little too late. She may be “playing with fire” tonight, but tomorrow she may be playing the home version of the game.

Casey: (Side note… Is it me or does his mom look just like Kathy Griffin?) Casey sang “It’s All Over Now” and did a nice blues guitar sort of take on it. It was solid, but not spectacular. Randy loved it. Ellen though it was fantastic. Kara said he was a rock star. Simon said he didn’t do something incredible, and has to do more. Maybe Casey got her heart racing, or maybe that solar apparatus on Kara’s chest is only powering her boyhowdy, because she is all over Simon again, writhing in her shimmery frock, like a sea lion during mating season. I saw this same scene play out on Animal Planet, and it did not end well. Bottom line: Buckle your seatbelt. Your terrifying journey through Kara’s fantasies is not over yet.

Lacey: “Ruby Tuesday” is her song, and she’s good, but again, not fabulous. And she’s sort of dressed like a pirate. Randy said he was pleasantly surprised. Ellen was confused about when she was standing vs. sitting, and thinking it was not at the right times (I feel the same way during church).  Kara said she can do better. Simon said she was over-thinking the performance. Bottom line: I like her, but I can’t see her going much further.

Andrew:  Yeah, finally an interesting intro video. Andrew grew up in a tough, gang environment, and his dad thought he was going to be a custodian when he grew up. Okay, then. Andrew sang “Gimme Shelter.”  He still is not living up to expectations. Randy said it was pitchy everywhere. Ellen said it was his best performance yet. Kara didn’t really feel the connection and wanted intensity.  Simon said something didn’t quite connect. Bottom line: I still really like him, but unless he finds the right formula soon, I’m afraid he really will be a custodian.

Katey: As it turns out, Katey also grew up in a gang culture. Well, they call it a Homeowners’ Association, but it’s the same thing, really. Word on the street is that her family even served taco dip at a garden party once. Taco dip. It doesn’t get more gangsta than that in Connecticut.  Katey sang “Wild Horses” and actually sounded very good overall, I thought. The judges liked it for the most part, too. Bottom line: She’d better be back or her gang will come and get us! I’m not saying it will be a drive-by shooting necessarily, but I for one do not want to be the recipient of a sternly worded letter from the homeowners’ association.

Tim:  Tim’s enormous family is also a gang. When will this gang violence end?  Tim sang “Under My Thumb,” with sort of a reggae vibe. It was not great, and I’m afraid he just doesn’t have the voice.  Randy didn’t get it. Ellen said it didn’t wow her. Kara applauded him for doing something different, but agreed with the others. Simon said it was a crazy decision. Bottom line: Gang way! Time to go home.  

Siobhan:  She sang “Paint it Black” in a prom dress and combat boots. Yep. She took big vocal risks, which paid off. Randy said she brought the drama and it was hot. Ellen said she rose above. Kara had flashbacks of Adam Lambert. Simon said it was the standout performance of the night. Bottom line: Paint it safe.

Lee: Speaking of painting, Ryan quizzed Lee on his former job at a paint store. Ryan’s hard-hitting journalism pays off when we learn that “snugglepuss” is the name of a paint color in the purple family. Good work, Ryan. Somewhere Diane Sawyer is, well, not at all nervous. Lee sang “Beast of Burden” with a toned down, bluesy vibe. I liked it.  Randy thought it was dope. Ellen thought it was great, but expected more. Kara said he was growing the most. Simon likes him, but his personality doesn’t shine. Bottom line: Someone else is going to have to mix your gallon of snugglepuss, because Lee should be busy for at least another week.

Paige:  Paige sang “Honky Tonk Woman” and finally showed the power in her voice, but I didn’t care for the arrangement. Randy liked it. Ellen said she sounded great. Kara said she hit some big notes, and Paige is back. Simon said she did great, given that she struggled with laryngitis this week. Bottom line: She should have laryngitis every week; I thought it was one of her better vocals.

Aaron: (Side note in the intro video: Did anyone notice his mom’s name is Kelly Kelly? For real.) Anyway, he sang “Angie.” Nice voice, but dull performance.  The girls in the audience are screaming. Pipe down, tweenies. Even if you got him he’d have no idea what to do with you. Randy said he was born to sing and liked the tender moments. Ellen thought it was a great song choice. Kara said it was great. Simon said he chose the right song. Bottom line: I like him fine, but I’m not connecting. Maybe if he joined a gang… Can you imagine Aaron in a gang? Well, maybe a gang called the Snugglepusses (they’re starting a turf war with the Homeowners’ Association).

Crystal:  Crystal sang “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” I thought she was rock solid. Randy said it wasn’t his favorite, but he still loves her. Ellen told her to stop thinking. Kara said it was easy to watch. Simon said the song lacked drama, and Siobhan out-sang her tonight. Bottom line: Now SHE could be in a gang. She seems edgy. But for now I’ll settle for the “see you next week” gang.

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American Idol Wrap Up 3/2/10

March 3, 2010

So, a couple of notes on last week’s results show… If I should die mysteriously, please list my cause of death as: “overexposure to lip-synched, opening numbers performed by Idol contestants.” These numbers, to me, are the most offensive showbiz debacle since the Geico Cavemen got their own sitcom. And the kids look SO uncomfortable doing their Brady Bunch choreography – especially the edgier contestants like Crystal, Lee, Andrew…you know, the ones with the signs on their souls saying: “For Sale.” The horror, the horror.  Anyway, on to the dismissals, and the first to go is Janell. I couldn’t remember if she was the one who looked like a figure skater, or the one dressed as Rainbow Brite. Maybe that was the problem. Side note: why is it they make them sing the same dismal failure of a song that got them booted in the first place? Shouldn’t they sing something better rather than give us an encore of the suck-fest that led them to this swan song? I’m just saying…  Anyway, next to go is Ashley. I think she could have gotten better if given more of a chance, but that’s how it goes. Joe is first for the boys. I felt kind of bad for him – he got almost no exposure in all of the shows leading to the finals (as opposed to contestants like Big Mike who subjected us to actual audio of his wife’s labor), so Joe didn’t really have a chance to build a following. Then again, his performance was dull, so whatever. And the final elimination comes down to Tyler and Alex – the battle of the seventies icons: Carole Brady vs. Shaggy from Scooby Doo. Zoinks! Sorry, Shag. Tyler suggested that the judges’ feedback about dialing back the Jim Morrison imitation was too late. Hmmm. Well, maybe if you’d actually had a better voice, you know, that may have helped too. Moving on.

Round two for the boys. We learn the girls/boys nights have been switched up due to an illness of Crystal Bowersox. Rumor has it she had to undergo the painful procedure of having her soul stitched back in after it fell out during last week’s group performance. The judges are introduced. Ellen appears to be fresh from the jungles of Africa with her safari shirt. Although I would have ditched the tie in favor of a monocle and a pith helmet. Kara looks like a formal Wonder Woman. Randy is wearing his signature cardigan and tee shirt, and Simon once again is wearing the white oxford, unbuttoned. I’m fairly certain I have NEVER seen Simon wear anything with color. He wears black, white, or any shade of gray, but no color. Ever.

Michael Lynch: Once again we have intro videos to learn more about the contestants. If we have to slog through the whole baby story again I’m leaving. Oh good, he doesn’t. Instead Michael shares that he is a musical theater geek, as well as a football player. Wow, what a riveting piece of journalism. I must admit that I did enjoy the footage of him doing curls with Aaron’s tiny little body. Anyway, Big Mike sang “This is a Man’s World” and did much better than last week. Randy stood up and applauded. Ellen said he was the one to beat and it was fantastic. Kara said she didn’t “get it” until tonight, but she’s feeling it. Simon said it’s his best performance yet. Bottom line:  Baby come back.

John Park: In the intro video we learn that English is his second language. Apparently he was born in Chicago and lived there until they moved to Korea when he was six. Well, what the hell did you speak up until you were six? Didn’t you watch Sesame Street? I don’t know. This story has holes in it. And, p.s., it’s not that interesting – I would have gone with the story of how you were once eye-raped by Shania Twain. So, John sang “Gravity” by John Mayer. Definitely better than last week. Randy said he didn’t bring anything new to it. Ellen said the song choice was much better, but he needs to feel it more. Kara said he lacks connection. Simon said there’s nothing to get excited about and he was struggling with the “believability” (pretty sure he was referring to the whole “English as a second language” thing). Bottom line: How do you say “who cares” in Korean?

Casey James: In the intro video I am shocked to learn that Casey has pretty much never had a TV. What!? I have seven. Who’s going to raise your kids if you don’t have a TV? If you can’t put Rachael Ray on to show them how to make themselves dinner, then what will they eat? That is just irresponsible. Maybe that’s why John couldn’t speak English after six years in Chicago – no TV! Who lives like that? No American Idol? No Real Housewives who are neither “real” nor “housewives”? Not to mention the fact that I couldn’t possibly keep up with the Kardashians without my beloved TV. That’ just crazy talk. Even Paula never said anything that wacky. Moving on… Casey sang “I Don’t Wanna Be.” Randy said, “from one musician to the next… this is the kind of record you could make.” Ellen said it’s a great song, sounded great, but wanted him to move more on stage. Kara said he took two steps back tonight (which is not what Ellen meant by ‘moving more’) and didn’t take the song to another level – to which Simon quipped, “Did he not return your calls?” Hee, hee. Good one, Simon. He agreed with Kara that it didn’t work. Why are Simon and Kara all over each other this season? She’s always right up in his face and they’re leaning on each other and being all touchy feely. Didn’t he HATE her last year? Ick. Bottom line:  He’s got a good following, and his looks will get him through. So, Casey, your career will likely continue because of this wonderful thing we like to call TELEVISION. Get one.

Alex Lambert: We learn that Alex tends to throw up before performing. Eww. And his fascinating little tidbit from the intro video is that he “made up a language” when he was in sixth grade. I see. Maybe that’s what John was speaking between the ages of two and six. He also confessed that his nerves take over. He sang “Everybody Knows” and sounded pretty good. I love that sort of rusty voice – I’m starting to get it. Much better. Randy started by saying: “You know what I loved about your package?” Oh my, no it’s okay – he meant the intro video. Anyway, Randy said it was a huge improvement. Ellen was back to the banana analogy. I’m not sure anyone has uttered that word in the eight previous seasons of Idol, and yet the word “banana” has been said about eight times in three shows. They said she would add something to the show, they didn’t say it was the word “banana.” Hmm. Kara said there is not a person out there who’s not rooting for him, and he has a recordable voice. Simon said it was a million times better, but he needs that killer instinct. Bottom line: I’d like to see what he can do so I hope he sticks around. As I like to say in the language I made up in my head… Heno shned furden.

Todrick  Hall: Todrick grew up dancing and pointed out that a lot of artists sing and dance at the same time, like Paula. Sorry to burst your bubble, but she actually just lip-synchs and dances, much like you all do in the group numbers. Todrick sang “What’s Love Got to Do With It” and did an okay job. Randy started by saying, “Yo dawg, listen so…,” which is the equivalent of Paula saying: “You look really pretty tonight.” It means that bad news is coming. Randy didn’t love it. Ellen told him to go with his strength, but had the wrong song. Kara babbled – literally babbled and said ever since his “Todrick” song he’s been “blah bedublede hooah.” Apparently she is fluent in Alex’s made-up language. Simon called him “Tondrick” and said it was like a corny theme park performance, and told him not to sing. Bottom line: Ouch, Tondrick. You look really pretty tonight.

Jermaine Sellers: Holy footie pajamas, Batman! His entire intro video is about how he likes to wear a giant “onesie” with dinosaurs all over it. I didn’t know they even made those in sizes greater than 4T, yet here he is. I guess I applaud his “free to be you and me” attitude, and yet I recoil at the sight of him. “I rocks my onesie,” he declares repeatedly. I find myself longing for a re-hash of the Big Mike baby story, or maybe some more banana analogies. Anything to make it stop. He also shares that he likes to steam his voice before performing, but really it just looks like he’s taking a hit from a giant bong. This explains the jammies. So, Jermaine and his ego do a duet of “What’s Going On?” Excellent question. It sounds a bit off to me. Randy said it was so close yet so far. Ellen said she liked his style, but it didn’t work. Kara said he’s doing too much and he was trying to show us every trick. Simon said he was disappointed because he waters down the song and they can’t take him seriously. Jermaine seems annoyed. “What should I sing next week?” he demands. This proves he’s not getting it – it’s NOT just the song choice, it’s the fact that you sing a crap-ass version of it. Despite the feedback, Jermaine insists that he’s going to be here next week because, “I know God.” Bottom line: Check your Facebook profile. God just “unfriended” you.

Andrew Garcia: Another boring intro. Andrew was a breakdancer. Riveting. Wouldn’t it be great if he said something really crazy? Something like, “I was actually born a female,” or, “I once killed a man with a banana.” That would be interesting. Andrew sang “You Give Me Something,” but ironically didn’t give us much. I really like his voice, but I wasn’t feeling it. Randy said it was pitchy all over the place. Ellen disagreed, but said they’d always be disappointed after the Paula Abdul song he did during Hollywood week. Kara agreed, but said she liked him. Simon is still disappointed. Bottom line: Come on Andrew! Give us something.  

Aaron Kelly: We learn that Aaron loves photography. Good for you. Get back to me when you’ve killed a man. Aaron sang “My Girl” and has a very good voice, but could not have picked a more trite, overdone, wedding song. Ugh. Randy said, “Dude you can really sing,” and declared it 200% better than last week. Ellen said the song was forgettable, but he has a great voice. Kara really liked it, and said he was consistent. Simon said it was all over the place and compared him to Justin Bieber (I cannot STAND that boy). Bottom line:  He should be safe for  another week, but seriously, amp it up Opie.

Side note: What is this weirdness after the break? Ryan is pulling some hair out of Kara’s mouth? What the?

Tim Urban: Tim’s big interesting “something we don’t know” reveal is that he comes from a big family. Also, he takes a moment to pray before performing. So very fascinating. Here’s something interesting about me: I just bought some new dish towels. My only regret is that I don’t have video to post. (Do you see how it feels Idol producers? It’s painfully boring, isn’t it?) Tim sang “Come on Get Higher.” Although it was much better, it still wasn’t great. Randy didn’t get it, nothing special. Ellen told him he should go into acting. Singing is not his strong point. Kara liked the song choice, but said it’s not all there yet. Simon said it was a marked improvement from last week. Bottom line: The great thing about a big family is that there are plenty of open arms to greet you when you get home.

Lee Dewyze: The intro video tells us that Lee got into some trouble as a kid and was sent to an alternative school (read: juvie) as a result of some “bad decisions.” THIS is what I’m talking about! Ooooo, a bad boy! I might be able to work with that. I have never found him more attractive. Alrighty then, Lee sang “Lips of an Angel” and sounded solid. Randy said he liked that he was taking chances and he liked it. Ellen agreed, and said he was really in the song. Kara thought it was a big improvement, and said he was very commercial. Simon said he was the best singer, but needed self belief.  Kara is in Simon’s face again. What is going on with them? Creepy. Bottom line: I sentence you to another week, you naughty, naughty boy.