It’s hard to believe it’s the final three, but here we are. I’ve just caught up on last week’s “Rock Week” show, and yes, it was a bad week for me to be away. So much material… Anyway, I am disappointed that Allison is gone. I think it should have been Danny, based solely on that bizarre, glass shattering shriek he made while butchering “Dream On.” I think next year AI should introduce a companion rule to the “Judges’ Save” called the “Judges’ Kevorkian” – a mercy killing if you will, which would allow them to circumvent the voting process and immediately dismiss a contestant for doing something truly embarrassing and vocally offensive, such as screeching and hissing like a jet engine as it sucks in a flock of geese. Shudder. It was almost as offensive as Paula’s “live” performance on last week’s results show. Just to be clear, Paula’s job on the show is to critique the contestants’ vocal performances and offer advice based on her “expertise.” Yes? OK, so when given the opportunity to show ‘em how it’s done, she lip synchs her way through some hideous, techno-fluff noise cluster that sounds suspiciously like it was written and recorded by R2D2. Hmm. In regard to that “artistry” and “originality” the judges are always preaching about, the search continues…
Back to tonight. It’s Hometown week – two songs each, one selected by a judge, the other selected by the contestant. It’s on!
To start it off, Danny’s fate was in Paula’s hands, and she selected “Dance Little Sister” by Terrence Trent D’Arby. What!? Wow, that was unexpected. I have no recollection of hearing that song ever. And Terrence Trent D’Arby? Random. Maybe I missed something, but I think TTD’A dropped off the face of the earth like two decades ago. Didn’t he? Don’t get me wrong, as soon as they said his name I immediately recognized it, but he’s one of those people I would have never remembered or thought about in any way for the rest of my life, had they not dug up the coffin of that career. Please raise your hand if, at any point in the last 20 years, you have said to yourself, “Gosh, I wonder whatever happened to Terrence Trent D’Arby.” Well, there you have it. Not that my memory is bad, or I’m not sentimental. Lord knows I spend many a sleepless night wondering whatever happened to that band Men Without Hats, and the guy who played Juan Epstein on “Welcome Back Kotter,” but Terrence Trent D’Arby never crossed my mind. Whatever, Paula.
Danny: Song choice aside, in Danny’s defense, he sang the crap out of the most mediocre song ever written by the oh-so-memorable Terrence Trent D’Arby. I’m not a big Danny fan, but objectively I must admit he really can sing. The dancing however, is quite unnecessary. I have arm fat that shakes more attractively. Please stop, Danny. My eyes are bleeding again. Thank you. Randy said it was dope. Kara liked the singing, hated the dancing. Paula said he “did really good” (great grammar). Simon thought it was vocally good, but the wrong song. Side note: What was going on with Simon and Paula? Ryan and Danny watched uncomfortably as something was going on with S&P off camera. All I know is that when they came back from break Simon had Paula’s make up smeared all over his shirt. Never mind. I don’t want to know.
Kris: Randy and Kara have jointly chosen a song for him (apparently it takes a village). I feel sorry for Randy. Remember the old days when he alone got to pick the song? Does he realize he’s been demoted? It’s like being assigned partners in gym class and he’s saddled with the kid wearing the back brace and prescription shoes. It’s sad, really. He’s a shadow of his former self. Anyway, their pick is “Apologize” by One Republic. Not a bad choice, I think. At least it’s not a 20-year-old song I’ve never heard before. What would Paula have chosen? “She Blinded Me With Science” by Thomas Dolby perhaps. Better yet, that 80’s rap song about General Hospital (sing it with me: “I just can’t cope, without my soap… General Hospi-tal”). I thought Kris did a competent job, not dazzling, but respectable. Randy said it was “nice, baby.” Kara was disappointed that he sang it as it’s written and didn’t apply that “Kris” interpretation to it and make it more artsy. Apparently he was supposed to yodel it while accompanied by a flugelhorn or something. Who knew? Paula said he had a loud bum note. I didn’t hear it, but then again I’m no “expert” like Paula. The fact that Randy didn’t use the word “pitchy” in his critique makes me doubt this “bum” note’s existence. Simon didn’t really critique Kris, but critiqued the other judges instead. Now Kara is out of her chair and all over Simon. What is going on? I feel like I’m screaming at my kids, “Everyone, keep your hands to yourself!” These judges are weird tonight.
Adam: Simon chose Adam’s song (of course), and chose “One” by U2 (with Bono’s personal blessing, as Simon pointed out). Paula would have gone with something more culturally significant, such as “Turning Japanese” by the Vapors, or perhaps Neneh Cherry’s “Buffalo Stance.” So, ho hum, it was note perfect as usual. We all know he’s amazingly talented. Having said that, I wasn’t jumping out of my seat or anything. The judges were more enthused than I was. Randy said he was in the zone and added that Adam was “one of the hottest three” in the competition. Really? One of the hottest three out of a possible, um, THREE!? Thank you so much. Since we’re passing out the compliments, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Paula is one of the 300 million smartest Americans. Silly Randy, that’s what you get for using Kara as your math tutor. Kara said it was unbelievable. Paula said it was superb. Simon gloated about the song choice and, naturally, thought it was great. The judges managed to get through the whole song without any groping, or anyone having to register as a sex offender, so that was good. I’m eager to see what song #2 will bring…
Danny: Song #2 is Danny’s choice of “You Are So Beautiful.” My surprise meter reads ZERO. Ugh. Yes he has a great voice, and he did sing it very well, but gag. Randy said he can really, really, really sing. Kara said it was stunning. Paula said he left us breathless (try a nebulizer, he wasn’t that good). Simon said it was a vocal master class. Wow. High praise. OK Danny, go ahead and do that thing when you put your hands into a heart shape. Really, help me out, I decided I’d give bulimia a shot for a few weeks, but I’m having trouble vomiting, so please. Go on. And there it is. Thank you. Bottom Line: Strictly speaking in terms of vocals, he’s earned the #2 spot for the finale, and will probably get it. Beyond that, I see two paths for Danny: Either (1.) He will take the Taylor Hicks path toward modest success before dropping off the radar completely, then resurfacing years later on “Celebrity Fit Club;” OR (2.) He will bide his time on the easy listening circuit until Michael Bolton retires and Danny can monopolize the menopausal market. Either way, my iPod will remain Gokey-free. Nothing personal, Danny. I wish you well. I am forming my fingers into a heart shape as we speak…
Kris: For song #2 Kris chose “Heartless” by Kanye West. Interesting choice. Whether you like him or not, I think you have to give him his props. Kris did what he does best, and I really like the stripped down version with nothing but him and his guitar. Not leaning on the band, or back-up singers is pretty plucky. And for me, it worked. Randy said he loved it and even liked it better than Kanye’s version. Kara said it was fearless and offered “kudos” for a great performance. Paula said bravo. Simon said he’d written Kris off after song #1, but song #2 changed his mind. Bottom Line: This performance makes it interesting. I would personally like to see Kris in the finals next week instead of Danny, but I’m not sure that will happen. Fingers crossed.
Adam: For song #2 Adam selected “Cryin” by Aerosmith. Hands down he’s the best vocalist. Crazy range. Note perfect. What else is there to say? Randy said he was one of the best that’s ever been on that stage. Kara said, “See you at the finals.” Paula said, “I hope you’re collecting frequent flyer miles. You’re going to be flying for free, everywhere.” Umm, okay. Not sure how that’s relevant, but thanks(?). Simon encouraged people to vote for Adam. Bottom Line: It would be outright insanity if he didn’t make the finals. If he’s out, then what’s the point? He’s one of the hottest three, after all. Who’s going to argue with that?
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