American Idol Wrap Up 4/20/10

There are three words I dread hearing at the beginning of every show: Inspirational Songs Night. I thought maybe they wouldn’t go there this year. I mean, is it really necessary? But there it was. Well, it must be working, because I have been inspired to open a beer. And the guest mentor is Alicia Keyes – love her. Maybe it won’t be so bad after all. And here we go…

Casey: Casey sang “Don’t Stop.” No, on second thought, feel free to stop. It’s the same problem almost every week, and he’s not getting it. Yes, you’re good, but there’s nothing outstanding about the performance, and nothing I couldn’t see any Saturday night at a local bar. And once again the guitar playing was more impressive than the vocal (and by the way, Casey, it is in fact a vocal competition). I will say this, when the hair is pulled back, he’s kind of hot. Randy said we see the same thing every week and he needs something different. (That’s what I said too, dawg!) Ellen said it was good but not great. Kara said she’s frustrated, although she didn’t specify whether that was related to the performance or the fact that he doesn’t seem interested in her overt cougar-esque advances. Simon thought it was a lazy song choice. Bottom line: On a scale of 1 to 10, my inspiration meter reads about a 4 or 5 (3 if the hair had been down).

Lee: He sang “The Boxer” and did a good, solid job. I really do like Lee, but I was very distracted by the spit strings in his mouth. Eww. Zoom out, cameraman, zoom OUT!  Randy said he was going to have a big career. Ellen said we’re seeing so much soul and depth. Kara said he should keep picking songs he feels connected to. Simon said it was sincere and emotional, and brilliant. Bottom line: The song at least didn’t make me gag, but the spittle sure did. I’ll still give him an 8.  

Back from break and Ryan welcomes Captain Sully to the show – and it looks like they gave him really crappy seats. So much for heroes and inspiration. And why are Simon and Kara dressed alike? Weird.

Tim: So Tim and his hair sang “Better Days,“ and I’ll give him credit for another good song choice – one with limited range to mask the fact that he doesn’t actually have much of a range. And although I make fun of “Inspirational Songs” night, I will begrudgingly admit that l was truly inspired. Seeing that playful mop top again inspired me to log on to Petfinder and adopt a Lhasa Apso. I shall name her Tim and groom her obsessively. Anyway, Randy said the performance just laid there and was just okay. Ellen didn’t like the soup. Kara said it wasn’t his best. Simon said it was a little bit of a letdown. Ryan said at least he was a cool soup, such as gazpacho. Uh huh. I think the problem, Tim, is that you’re really just broth. Bottom line: This soup talk has inspired me to get a snack to go with my beer. And you have inspired me to never eat gazpacho again.

I must admit, the song choices haven’t been too saccharine thus far and inspirational songs night hasn’t made me gag yet like it usually does. (Cue the squeaky clean elf.) Oh right, Aaron is up…

Aaron: “I Believe I Can Fly” (This one’s for you Captain Sully!) So in the intro video, Alicia politely warns that some people might think this “inspirational” song is overkill. (BINGO! Circle gets a square. And I’ll take Shari Lewis and Lambchop for the win!) Ugh. He does have a great voice, but the song just made me want to reverse digest. Randy said he did a good job with such a giant song. Ellen said he handled a tough song really well. Kara said he got there. Simon said he’d have turned it off if he’d heard it on the radio. Bottom line: I want to vomit cotton candy.

Siobhan:  She sang “When You Believe,” and was bold to take on Mariah because the judges seem to hate that. I thought she was vocally very strong, and did it well. The outfit is CRAZY. And the cast of “Fringe” is in the audience again. Oh no, those are her friends. Hmmm.  Randy said it was just okay. Ellen disagreed. Kara said it felt dramatic and doesn’t know who she is. Simon said it was all over the place. I have to say that I like Siobhan’s response about how she didn’t want to be scared away from singing it just because of who it was by. Rock on, Madame Butterfly.  Bottom line: Well, you’re wooden shoes inspired me to book a trip to Holland. The thing in your hair inspired me to adopt a porcupine. And your outfit inspired me to buy a bug zapper (I like butterflies, but not when they attack). Bzzt.

Michael: Big Mike sang “Hero.” It was good, but I’m not jumping out of my seat. Randy said it worked out. Ellen thought he did a great job. Kara said, “You don’t have the tone for that voice.” Huh? Then she ended her “inspirational” feedback with a shrug as she squeaked, “Sorry, oops.” What a pro. Simon thought he sang it pretty well, but was bothered by the fact he sang a song about Spiderman. He’s right. The dark outfit is much better suited for dunanunanunanuna,  dunanunanunanuna, BATMAN! Bottom line:  I’ll give it a 6.7 (“sorry, oops”).

Crystal: She sang “People Get Ready.“ What the hell is with that microphone stand? What is that? A floor lamp? With a spittoon? Lee, I’m pretty sure that’s for you. She really lets loose with the vocal and, surprisingly, gets very emotional at the end of the song. Hold it together, sister. It ain’t Rolling Stones week again, so cool it with the “19th Nervous Breakdown” shtick. Randy gave her a standing O. Ellen said it was so beautiful. Kara started speaking and my DVR cut off (presumably because the programming ran a bit late, but I wonder if that machine just can’t take Kara anymore either). So I didn’t get to see what Kara said, but I’m guessing it was something annoying. And I’m guessing Simon loved it and somehow took credit for it. Bottom line: That was so good I could spit.

American Idol Wrap Up 4/13/10

And then there were nine… again. Yes, BIG news – the Judges’ Save was employed last week to the benefit of Big Mike. Whoop dee do. I agree that he was more deserving of another week than others, but honestly I just want this season to end. Sigh. So, the theme of the week is Elvis songs, and being that Elvis is, shall we say, permanently and profoundly unavailable, the mentoring duties fell to Adam Lambert. Not sure how they connected the dots on that one, but here he is, so welcome back Adam.

Well, you know it’s going to be an interesting show when Ryan’s opening chat with Adam results in Ryan uttering the following: “My tongue is not nearly as talented as yours.” Super. Moving on…

Crystal: Crystal opened the show with “Saved,” and it had a nice bluesy vibe. It was predictably solid with her signature strong vocal. Randy said it was dope and he loved it. Ellen said she’s tired of telling her how great she is. Kara, who is dressed in fatigues (?), said Crystal did some really good things tonight. Simon said it was original and she sounded great. Bottom line: Elvis week…another item checked of the “To Do” list. See you next week.

Side note: As we cut to break, Ryan announces that Andrew is up next, and we see Andrew on deck, hamming for the camera as he simulates picking his nose. What the f*ing crap? I am officially grossed out.

Andrew: Back from break, with all orifices presumably clear, Andrew sang “Hound Dog.” It’s kind of blah. Dumb, dumb song choice. Again, his voice sounds good and I love his tone, but the performance is just kind of lying there, like Ryan’s tongue. Randy said it was bad karaoke. Ellen liked it a lot. Kara said he didn’t own it. Simon thought it was lazy and his coolness has been sucked out. Bottom line: Maybe you should dig around up there for some votes, ‘cause you ain’t getting mine. 

Tim: He sang “Can’t Help Falling in Love” and did it respectably. Regardless of its “okay-ness” he just does not belong at this level. It sounded pretty, in a very high school talent show kind of way, but he didn’t show much range. What is going on in the background? Ryan is slow dancing with some burly man (later he indicates it was Michael Sarver – what?!?). Has he been huffing his hair products tonight? So strange. Back to Tim…Randy said he actually liked it. Ellen really enjoyed it. Kara said it was her favorite Tim performance ever. Simon said he went from zero to hero. Easy there judges, it really wasn’t that good. Bottom line: Let’s recap so far – Andrew has his finger up his nose, Ryan has his head up his ass, and Tim has the judges in his pocket. I give up.

Lee: He sang “A Little Less Conversation” and did a very good job. Thank you, Lee, for restoring some order to the universe. Randy said he was in the zone. Ellen said he was getting better and better. Kara said he really went for it. Simon said it was on the money. Bottom line: Phew. We’re back on track.

Aaron: He sang “Blue Suede Shoes” and again I hated the song choice for him. It was too quintessential Elvis (same problem with “Hound Dog”) – something more obscure would have suited him better. Yes, his voice is great – pure and natural – but the song doesn’t fit. And tiny little Aaron grooving around the stage with Elvis-like swagger? Sweetie, you look like something Elvis could’ve coughed up after a bender. Please don’t attempt that again. Randy liked part of it. Ellen thought he did a good job, but didn’t get all the way there. Kara liked seeing him out of his comfort zone. Simon said it was an old fashioned song. Well, duh. The theme of the week is Elvis songs, and Elvis has been dead for over 30 years, so do the math. Wouldn’t that make all of his songs “old fashioned” by definition? Whatever. Bottom line: Nice kid. Talented. But not a rock star. I have three words for you Aaron: Disney On Ice.

Siobhan: Siobhan sang “Suspicious Minds.” Ok, so yes, great voice, great range, but over the top. She seems to be hitting those big notes just for the sake of hitting them, not because they add something. I don’t know what to do with her. Randy loved the second half of the performance. Ellen said she had a beautiful voice. Kara said Siobhan has two voices and it’s confusing. (Oh no, and it’s a double elimination this week, so maybe both of her will go!). Simon said it was erratic and she has lost who she was two weeks ago. Siobhan said she’s never been able to label herself and doesn’t want to. Bottom line: Ok, don’t label yourself. But you’d best perform better, or you’ll at least have to label your luggage.

Side note: So after break, Ryan announces that next week is “Idol Gives Back” and there will be two venues. The other one will be hosted by Brian Dunkleman – no he’s kidding, it’s Queen Latifah, but a low blow, Ryan. Brian Dunkleman. Remember him? He was Ryan’s co-host when idol first launched, but left after season one. Yes, a cataclysmic career decision (think Shelley Long leaving “Cheers”). Other than turning up on “Celebrity Fit Club” a few years back (no, really, it’s not a joke – he truly was on that show), his career has been silent. Way to kick a guy when he’s down. That was just mean, Ryan. Back to the show…

Michael: He sang “In the Ghetto.” What a happy, happy song. He did a nice version and his voice sounded, well, pretty. Randy said the vocals were hot. Ellen was glad they saved him. Kara thought he sang it well. Simon said it was one of his favorites. Bottom line: It should be enough to get him out of the voting ghetto.

Katie: She sang “Baby What You Want Me to Do.” Sigh. Here’s my problem with Katie – great voice, but not ready to be a rock star. I feel like she’s playing a part in a school play, strutting around with the leather pants, when really she’s just a kid who needs to bank a little more life experience before she can pull off these growling and prowling performances. Randy said nice vocals, Ellen said it was “horny” and great. Kara said she, “showed us judges.” Simon didn’t like the song. Bottom line: I don’t care either way.

Casey: Casey sang “Lawdy Miss Clawdy.” I don’t know this song, but I thought he was good – a firm B+, anyway. And the hair is pulled back – thank you. Randy said it was solid, Ellen said it wasn’t as exciting as she’d like, Kara said he’s capable of more, Simon said it was a missed opportunity. Bottom line: I thought the judges were a little harsh. I think Tim and Andrew should be the castoffs this week, but again, I don’t really care anymore. I think I’d rather slow dance with Michael Sarver than suffer through another season of this tired show.

American Idol Wrap Up 4/6/10

First things first… apologies for last week. Yes, I bagged the blog. I had neither the time nor the energy. It happens. Actually, this season it happens every week, as I have grown weary of these judges and these alleged “best ever” contestants. Oh well. And we press on…

 So here we go. Cheesy introductions commence, along with the usual nonsense. Ryan announces that the theme will be Lennon/McCartney songs. What a rip off! No actual music mentor, just a videotaped message from Paul McCartney (who, by the way, seemed completely drunk).  Oh, come on! I like having a celebrity mentor who is actually there. I don’t know if you all realize this, but I am a celebrity whore. I am not ashamed to admit that I love celebrities. I like to read about them, I like to gossip about them, but more than anything I like to see them, if possible I like to touch them, and if given the opportunity, dammit I would lick them. There. I said it. So, in light of this information, you will understand why I feel cheated by the lack of a guest mentor. Can’t they get anyone to come to the show in person? I’ll take anyone – even Quentin Tarantino again. I feel cheated, and I type under protest. And just to add salt to the wound, since we don’t have any pre-performance footage to show where we see the contestant getting tips from the mentor, we instead have to suffer through cutesy intro videos that feature clips of the contestants “describing” each other. Whatever, here we go…

 Aaron: He’s first up with “The Long and Winding Road.” And what do the other contestants say about Aaron? Apparently they call him “Yoda” and turn everything he says into a Yoda-esque line, at which point we get to hear a bad Yoda impersonation from pretty much all of them. Boy, that’s not annoying at all. Anyway, the performance was pretty solid, but a little slow. Randy said it was sleepy. Ellen said it felt like a long and winding song. Kara (who is getting on my last nerve) said he needs to up the tempo. Simon asked him why he chose the song, and called him “sweetie.” Weird. Bottom line: Don’t worry sweetie, those tweenies will keep you on this road for at least another few weeks.

Katie: The cutesy behind-the-scenes scoop on Katie is that she’s like a kid sister and she loves to dance. Wow. That was the most riveting piece of journalism I’ve seen since we learned Aaron’s nickname is Yoda. We also learn that she has been inundated with prom invitations. Excellent. She sang “Let it Be” and did a good job. Her vocal was very solid. Randy said it was her best performance ever. Ellen said there’s no way she’ll be in the bottom three. Kara said she was blossoming. Simon said she followed his advice and leaned toward a country style, thus resulting in success. Side note: I HATE when they ask these kids (Aaron and Katie in particular) why they chose the song and what it means to them, and the kids try to give a meaningful response and end up saying something stupid like: I, uh, chose “The Long and Winding Road” because being on the show is like, uh, a long and winding road. Or: Umm, well, I chose “Let It Be” because I really just, umm, need to, like, let things go and just, you know, let it be. Oh for heaven’s sake. That is just useless. Moving on… Bottom line: Although she was really good tonight, she is a frequent bottom dweller, and I think her time could be up at any moment. The good news is that if she’s voted off, she’ll be able to, you know, just, umm, like, let it be.

 Andrew: According to the other contestants, Andrew is the life of the party. Oh what fun. It must be those Yoda impressions. Anyway, he sings “Can’t Buy Me Love.” Pay attention Katie – this is what the prom band will sound like. Not loving this one – and I really do like Andrew a lot. Randy thought it was solid but corny. Ellen loved it. Kara wants to see more. Simon said it was wedding-like and corny. He’s right. Too much back-up band. I think it would have been much more effective with just him and his guitar. And on a side note, Andrew’s hair is way too puffy. I think he’s trying to look taller, but it just looks stupid. Bottom line: He deserves another week, but he really needs to do more. If he puffed up his performance as much as the hair, I think we’d be on to something.

 Michael: Intro video: The others think he’s a big teddy bear, and he has an annoying way of entering a room. He basically bursts in and squeaks out a sort of high pitched “heeeeyaaahh” that makes him look and sound like Mike Tyson stepping on a tack. Boy, I’m so glad I learned that about him. Now I feel complete. Mike sang “Eleanor Rigby.” When it started I was afraid it would be a bit much with the staging and all the strings (self indulgent as Simon would say), but I thought he sang it quite well. Randy loved that he was “feeling himself.” Oh my, I once saw a guy on a subway doing that, but I’m pretty sure he got arrested for it. Ellen thought it was incredible. Kara thought it was “fire.” Simon thought it sounded like it belonged in a musical, and was over the top. Mike took the opportunity to compare pecs with Simon (whose “pecs” are quite vivid tonight under his thin little undershirt). Ick. Really, boys. Ick. Bottom Line: He had me at “heeeeyaaahh.”

 Crystal: So in the intro video we learn that they call her “mama sox,” because as Siobhan explains, “It’s not just because she literally is a mother, but…“ Ok, I totally thought Forrest was going to say, “because she also wears socks.” Didn’t you? Instead she said Crystal has a mothering personality. Fascinating. Crystal sang “Come Together.” Oddly enough, she was accompanied on stage by a fellow playing a didgeridoo. Yes, a didgeridoo – that’s Australian for “I think the cows ate chili for dinner.” Oh what a lovely sound. Gosh that’s soothing. She sounds great, but I think she forgot the lyrics for a second there. None of the judges point it out, though. They quite liked it overall. Bottom line: She picked the dumbest musical accompaniment ever, she forgot the words, and yet she still pulled it off. Now that’s talent.

Tim: So the others share that Tim smiles all the time. We know. We also see that he has Beatles style hair tonight. Uh, yuh. There’s a reason that look has been out of style for over 40 years – it’s ridiculous. He looks like there is a constant, steady current of air that blows his hair to the right all day long. Anyway, He sang “All My Loving” and surprisingly, his performance is not bad. Randy said Tim was in his own category (I think it’s called the “mediocre” category), and it was a good “Tim” performance. Ellen thought he did well. Kara liked the guitar. Simon said he was good, and takes criticism like a man. Bottom line: Keep smiling, Tim. The airline check-in people love that.

Casey: So, the others share that Casey has a big, loud laugh, and his hair is flowing and angelic. Yep. He sang “Jealous Guy” and gave a very emotional, stripped down performance. I HATE the hair down. Get yourself to the barber, Meg Ryan. Take Tim with you. Anyway, I thought this was a great night for Casey – I liked him more than ever. Randy dug it, Ellen was moved. Kara said he showed vulnerability, and generally seemed to enjoy hearing herself talk. Simon said it was the best performance of the night. Bottom line: He should sail on through, wind in his hair, laughing heartily all the way.

Siobhan: It is revealed in the intro video that the others think she’s weird, oh sorry – “unique.” Duh. She sang “Across the Universe” and was clearly very comfortable singing about her inter-planetary travels. In a shocking twist, there is no screaming tonight from Siobhan, which I was very pleased about. The outfit is “unique.” She looks like she’s the bride at roller derby wedding. Strange. Anyway, Randy said it was sleepy, but he liked the tender side. Ellen said she was special. Kara said it was very polite, and she’s trying to process it. Simon said she was unpredictable. Then Ryan brought some crazy stalker up from the audience to give Siobhan a hug. Super. Bottom line: She obviously has Earl the stalker’s vote, so she’ll be fine.

 Lee: We learn that Lee is a worry wart, and thinks he’s going to be voted off every week. Silly Lee, I think he’s confusing himself with Tim. He sang “Hey Jude.” And what’s this? At the end of the song, in what apparently is meant to be a big finale, out marches…a bagpiper? You cannot be serious. The one instrument that’s actually more grating than a didgeridoo. What the hell is going on here? This is apropos of NOTHING. Are they trying to show how artsy and creative they can be? Maybe next week someone could have a man dressed in lederhosen walk out in the middle of the song and start yelling: Riiiiiiicolaaaaaaa. Because that would really prove that we are in the presence of a deep and important artist. I like Lee, I really do, but I did not love this performance. And the bagpiper was completely nonsensical. Randy told Lee to believe. Ellen loved the bagpiper, and loved the performance. Kara said she was a fan. Simon said he didn’t know what they were drinking back at the house, and he wouldn’t have done that. Right on, Simon. Bottom line: Bag the bagpipes, ditch the didgeridoos, and just sing. If you do that, Lee, you might even stop worrying so much.