Idol Wrap Up 2/24/10

The Boys:

 Ok, so I was very disappointed in the girls the other night and was hoping for a little bit more from the boys. Well, I think maybe that’s what I got – a little bit more. I keep hearing that this is the best group ever, but I haven’t heard the evidence. Another area of concern is my sweet tooth. As many of you know, I tend to enjoy a little boy candy to nibble on throughout the season. Should one of the young fellows catch my eye, I just like to invest a little extra time following his progress, or as my court appointed attorney likes to call it: “stalking and felonious trespassing.” Whatever, no need to worry so far because I haven’t seen anyone worth violating my parole for.  Yes I know that Kara has been drooling over Casey James, but he’s not my type. I don’t go for the lanky, long-haired look. And he reminds me too much of Bucky Covington (although Casey is much better looking). Sadly, I will likely find myself fast forwarding through the singers in hopes of catching one of those Old Spice commercials. Oh well. Maybe someone will surprise me tonight. Side note: For ONCE, Simon is not wearing his itchy looking gray/black sweater – THANK YOU. But look again…now Ellen is wearing it! They are doing this to torment me. I know it.

Let’s get right to it…

Todrick Hall: Todrick sang “Since You’ve Been Gone,” and it was a little weird. He has a nice voice, but the whole thing didn’t really work. And why is he wearing a whistle? Is that one of those “alarm” whistles you start blowing when you feel threatened? What did David Cook tell you, Todrick? That was a long time ago, and I don’t even like you anyway. You’re no Old Spice guy. Anyway, Ellen said he’s a great performer. Randy said the song was unrecognizable. Kara liked that he took a risk, but said he needs to pull it back. Simon said he murdered the original song, and it was verging on stupid. Bottom line: Probably good enough to be safe, but keep that whistle handy in case you need to hail a cab.

Aaron Kelly: Aw shucks, gosh golly. It’s David Archuletta 2: Revenge of the Beave. Could this kid be more wholesome? I think he’s adorable, but in the “Beaver Cleaver” kind of way, not the “let’s go down to the station and register” kind of way. He looks exactly like the kid who showed up at my door last summer and asked if he could mow my lawn. Anyway, Aaron sang “Here Comes Goodbye” and sounded good – he’s got that pure voice (again, like David Archuletta). Simon said it was quite good, but he needed confidence. Kara pretty much agreed, as did Randy, and ditto for Ellen. Bottom line: He should easily stroll into the next round, followed by rainbows and adorable woodland creatures.

Jermaine Sellers: Jermaine sang “Get Here,” which started off so quietly that I actually had to turn up my volume, then got so shrill that I had to mute my TV and make up a word: squealish. I think he swallowed Todrick’s whistle. Yeesh. Ellen said he was trying too hard. Randy said he was trying to do too much vocally. Kara said it felt old. Simon said it was over the top, and he’s “blown it,” but I don’t know if he meant the opportunity, or the whistle, or maybe both. Bottom line: You know what else whistles? A train when it’s pulling into the station, and I think you may have a ticket, Jermaine.   

Tim Urban: Tim was the rejectee that was brought back when someone else turned out to be ineligible. His song choice is “Apologize,” and that is exactly what he should do – apologize. It was bad. Jermaine should send him a fruit basket or something to thank him, because suddenly Jermaine’s performance is looking pretty good. No need for me to destroy him further, Simon took care of that. The good news is that he looks like every male character on every stupid Disney Channel show my kids watch, and could probably make a fine living in the touring company of High School Musical. Bottom line: Apology accepted, but please go home now.

Joe Munoz: Joe sang “You and I Both,” I thought it was just okay.  Ellen said he was comfortable on the stage. Randy thought he did a good job. Kara thought his singing was the best so far. Simon thought it was safe and forgettable. Yep, I agree. Bottom line: He’s might be safe for this cut, but seriously, we’ve got to kick it up a notch.

Tyler Grady: Oh Tyler. Is it me or does he look like he stepped directly out of an episode of Scooby Doo? He seriously looks like a cartoon character to me. Anyway, he sang “American Woman” and although they keep comparing him to Jim Morrison, I’m getting more of a Leif Garrett vibe. I thought the vocal was actually pretty weak. Simon said it feels like he’s pretending to be a rock star. Ditto for Kara. Randy said it was style over substance. Ellen said he was going through the motions, but lacked the charisma. Yep. I think his whole trippy routine is going to get old. Bottom line: I think he’ll get through this round, but there’s a good chance he’ll be back on the Mystery Machine soon.

Lee Dewyze: Lee sang “Chasing Cars.” Good style of song for him, I think. Ellen thought it got a little too pushed. Randy didn’t like the song choice. Kara agreed with Randy. Simon thought it was the best performance of the night. Bottom line: I like Lee. I think he’ll stick around, at least for now.

John Park: Speaking of stalkers and rape whistles…John’s intro video reminds us of his original audition where Shania Twain practically threw a saddle on him and rode him back to her room. Really, Shania. What kind of grown woman fawns over some much younger American Idol contestant? I can’t imagine. Anyway, John sang “God Bless the Child,” which is an old jazz classic, and a very odd choice. He sang it sort of okay-ish, but it just wasn’t working. Simon said he didn’t have the voice for that song. Kara doesn’t know what his lane is. Randy and Ellen agree that the song choice was wrong. And on top of that, no one seems to see whatever it was that sent Ms. Twain’s ovaries into spasm. Myself included.  Bottom line: I hope Shania Twain has multiple phone lines and speed dialing capability. You’re going to need those extra votes.

Michael Lynche: I like “Big Mike,” but I’m kind of over him already. The whole Hollywood week baby thing was total overkill, and frankly I’m just sick of hearing about it. So Mike sang “This Love” and did a respectable job, but I didn’t think it was anything special at all. I can see that any Friday night at a local bar. Ellen loved his personality. Randy agreed. Kara didn’t think it was outrageously great. Simon said he delivered so little, and there was nothing unique. Bottom line: Nice guy, talented enough, and will probably get through this round, but seriously disappointing.

 Alex Lambert: Alex sang “Wonderful World,” which started shaky, but got slightly better. He looked very awkward on stage. Simon said it was uncomfortable. Kara wanted to give him a hug.  Randy said he has a great tone. Then, oddly enough, Ellen said something Paula-like: “I love bananas. And sometimes a banana is just not quite ripe and you’re like ‘oh I wish it was riper’ because I’d like to eat that banana right now, but it’s just not ripe enough.”  Ok, so it’s not exactly like something Paula would have said. If Paula were saying it then the banana would somehow be in outer space, but it’s still a kooky thing to say. Ellen also likes the fact that he’s holding onto the mullet. I am going to have to strongly disagree with Ellen here. That is absolutely NOT a “mullet.” That, my friend, is a “flip” as made popular by such ‘70’s television mom icons such as Shirley Partridge and Carole Brady. Bottom line: If “The Brady Bunch” is still around in re-runs, I see no reason why you shouldn’t be back next week.

Casey James: Alright, here’s the heart throb. Casey sang “Heaven” and did a nice job. He actually does have a nice voice, and should be given extra credit for making it through the song without being too distracted by Kara’s leering and writhing. The reviews were good, despite the nonsense happening at the judges’ table. Bottom line: See you next week.

Andrew Garcia: Andrew sang “Sugar we’re going down” and he was my favorite of the night. Simon was disappointed. He wanted to see something more like what he did with “Straight Up.” Kara agreed with Simon. Randy agreed with Simon and Kara. And Ellen agreed with Simon, Kara, and Randy. I DISAGREED with all of the above. I think he’s a natural. Effortless. Yes I loved his version of “Straight Up,” but I thought this was great, too. Love his voice. Bottom line: Yes, yes, yes! He should whistle on through.

Idol Wrap Up: 2/23/10

Hello Idol worshippers, and welcome back to the Fifth Judge’s blog. Let’s forgo the pleasantries and address the elephant in the room… How shall we go on without PAULA? After watching week after week of auditions, then Hollywood week, I have come to the conclusion that this show will never be the same (and by “the same” I mean “as good”). No offense to Ellen – I love Ellen, but there are three things I value most in an Idol judge, and she has none of them. 1.) She’s not dumb; 2.) She’s not medicated; and 3.) She’s not crazy. I can’t work like this. I will say, however, that she is the pick of the litter based on the parade of “guest judges” who suffered through the auditions. Avril Lavigne and her weird hood with the devil ears? She was useless and bizarre. Katy Perry? What a bitch. I love Kristin Chenoweth, but she and Kara were like drunk sorority girls at a frat party. And to top it off we had Doogie Howser and a wax replica of Posh Spice that they actually expected us to believe was a real person. Yes, the animatronics were amazing, but come on, real people aren’t that shiny.

So it is with a heavy heart that I soldier on. Alrighty then, let’s start with the judges. I’m happy to see some things never change. Simon for example, has had the courtesy to wear that same itchy-looking gray sweater he has worn since season one. Continuity, people. That’s what I’m talking about. Randy is still relatively the same. Kara has embraced her inner Snookie and is sporting a Bumpitz up-do. Have you noticed that Kara has gotten sassier, too? I think the departure of Paula has brought out the alpha female in her. It’s not a good color on you, Kara. And then there’s Ellen. Sober, articulate Ellen, who is wearing no feathers, no tight, slutty clothing, no offensively large jewelry. Are you feeling my pain people? I will say that her outfit makes her look a bit like a Century 21 agent. I would so buy a condo from her. And with that top button unbuttoned, she does look a little slutty in an “Insurance Executives Gone Wild” kind of way. I’m reaching. I know.  And on to the singers…

Paige Miles: I had almost forgotten about the dreaded intro video, but there it was. Let’s recap the valuable information we learned from the intro. She shares with us that as a preschool teacher, she used to, “wipe snot off kids’ noses.” I see. Umm, the red light on the camera means it’s RECORDING. Filter people. Filter! She then tells us that her highlight so far has been performing with Michael Jackson’s backup singers. Now, I can see how that is a highlight for her, but I’m wondering what kind of disappointment those backup singers feel – I bet a year ago when they were MJ’s backup vocalists, they never dreamed that within a matter of months they’d be backing up Paige Miles, snot wiper extraordinaire. How do you fall so far? Now they know how Martha Stewart felt after they did the body cavity search and handed her the orange jumpsuit. Anyway, Paige sang “Alright Now.” The judges loved it overall. I didn’t quite get their enthusiasm. I thought it started weak, then stayed weak overall. What did I miss? Simon said she has the best voice of all the girls, but the song was not original. Kara also loved it. Randy said “great job.” Ellen loved it, too. Then, thanks to Ryan’s hard-hitting investigative journalism, we discover that, due to the uncooperative design of her outfit, Paige has been “waiting to pee” for five hours. So, to kick off the season, the very first real contestant managed to mention both “snot” and “pee” in the four minute span between the intro video and the wrap up interview? I think we’re setting the bar pretty high here, folks. Oh yeah, it’s on. Bottom line: I wasn’t blown away, but I think all those bodily fluids will help her slide into the second round.

Ashley Rodriguez: She’s a Boston girl, so I like her already. So Ashley sang “Happy” and I thought she was okay. The judges were less than happy. Kara had mixed comments. Simon thought it was clumsy. Blah, blah, blah. I thought they were a little harsh. Bottom line: I think she deserves another shot.

Janell Wheeler: Before she even performs she is my absolute favorite based solely on the fact that she sells wine for a living. How bad can she be? Janell sang “What About Love?” and did an okay job, I thought. She wore a flowing, purple, off-the-shoulder-Flashdance-inspired blouse, and tight shimmery pants. Maybe I’ve been watching too much of the Olympics, but I thought she looked exactly like a figure skater. Randy liked it okay, Ellen thought she “moved easily on stage” (it’s the skates I tell you). Simon said he liked moments, but it was a bad song choice. Kara said the song was too big for her. Bottom line: I hope you brought along some wine samples, it might be a rough night.

Lilly Scott: We learn that Lilly has been living out of her car and singing on the streets. Yikes. Anyway, Lilly sang “Fixing a Hole” and did a good job, I thought. It was indeed different, but interesting. She’s got a unique look, too. With the white hair and green dress she looks like the love child of Andy Warhol and the Lucky Charms Leprechaun. It’s odd. Bottom line: I hope her vocal will be good enough to “fix the hole” she dug with her outfit. I think she’ll get through this round.

 Katelyn Epperly: Katelyn sang “Oh Darling.” I think she has a good voice, but the performance was a little weird. She was dressed like a drag queen with overly big, curly, Sammy Hagar hair. I kind of agree with Kara about the look being too old for her. Ellen thought it felt pushed, but she had a great voice. Randy liked her vibe. In regard to Kara’s feedback Ryan asked Katelyn, “What was the word bubble in your head?” Kara said she knew what the word bubble was: “bitch.” Katelyn denied it, but now that you mention it, that was my word bubble. Maybe Kara’s new Bumpitz are enabling her to read minds. Bottom Line: I don’t care either way.

Haeley Vaughn: Another dismal failure of an intro video. She informs us that her mom promised her a nose piercing if she made it to Hollywood. Well, guess what? She made it! And we are treated to footage of the actual, honest to goodness, rubber-glove-covered-finger-up-her-nose procedure. Where’s Paige with that snot rag when you need her? The piercing, she explains, is to acknowledge and celebrate her making it to Hollywood. I shudder to think what will be pierced should she crack the top 12. No video footage, please. On to the performance… What is the outfit? Is she making her first communion? Vocally strange. The judges were of mixed opinion, but overall not enthused. Bottom line: If she were an Olympic event, she would be the Downhill.

Lacy Brown: So disturbing to learn in the intro video that she narrowly missed the cut last year when it came down to a choice between her and Megan Joy “I can’t sing a note” Corkrey. Poor kid. Lacy sang “Landslide” and it didn’t really work. The whole look was bad, from the outfit made out of curtains from a roadside diner, to the green tank, and matching green shoes. She also did this weird rocking thing throughout the whole song, like she really had to tinkle (it’s kind of a theme tonight). Not a fan of the Heat Miser hairdo either. I felt bad for her, she seems sweet, and can probably do better than that. The judges were not very kind either. Bottom line: I think she’s in a bit of trouble.

Michelle Delamor: She sang “Falling” and sounded pretty good. The shirt is unfortunate. It billows out in the back, which makes it look like she’s wearing a fanny pack. I guess you never know when you’re going to have to access your rain poncho and your chapstick. Ellen and Simon liked it, mostly. Kara said she lacked believability. Randy told her to take some risks. Bottom line: I hope she packed a change of clothing in that fanny pack, because I think she’ll make it through.

Didi Benami: She sang “The Way I Am.” I had a knitted poncho like that in the seventies, but she’s wearing it as a vest. I kind of agree with Simon that a lot of these girls look/sound alike, and once the show is over I won’t be able to distinguish one from the other (unless you refer to her as the one wearing the bathmat, then I’ll know). She had mixed reviews. I think Randy summed it up best when he said there was no oomph. Bottom line: You could be in trouble, Didi. No one wants an American Idol who looks like Rainbow Brite.

Siobhan Magnus: She’s a Cape Cod girl, so I like her already, but I get the impression she’s kind of dumb. When Simon referred to her as a dark horse she had no idea what that meant. I LOVE the dumb ones. They make me happy. And it’s delightful listening to Ryan try to pronounce her name. I’m pretty sure he just introduced her as Cinnebon. Her song choice of “Wicked Game” was unexpected. Vocally I thought she was pretty good, and the judges liked her overall. Bottom line: Well done, Soybean.

Crystal Bowersox: I have mixed feelings about Crystal. I quite liked her during the Hollywood rounds, and I think she’s very talented. Having said that, I’m concerned about her dental health. It’s distracting, and I think it will make her less appealing to the masses. Anyway, she sang “Hand in my Pocket” and did a respectable job, but it felt like it was at a level far below her potential. Kara said she’ll be here next year, next week, next year, next week. I think the Bumpitz is pressing on her brain. Bottom line: A lot of potential here, and I would be very surprised if she didn’t get through.

Katie Stevens: Alright now. She’s a cute girl, and seems sweet, but enough with the grandmother. Every freakin’ time she is on camera we are reminded that her grandmother has Alzheimer’s. We know. Yes, it’s sad, and I’m sorry, but enough. I don’t know anything else about her. I can’t even remember if she can sing or not. So let’s focus on her talent. Katie sang “Feeling Good.” She has a good voice, but I hated her on that song. Nina Simone she is not. The judges are correct – the look and performance are way too old for a 17-year-old. Ellen said she was great, but would rather see her do a current song. Simon agreed. Kara said she was pitchy. Randy reminded her she could only be 17 once. Not true, Katie, I’ve been 29 for years. Bottom line: I could take her or leave her. If she stays, she’d better kick it up a notch.

So that was it? Boring. For all the hype about how good the girls are this year, I’m still waiting to be blown away. Honestly, I thought that was pretty dull. And did I mention how much I miss Paula? Here’s hoping that someone steps up and makes this season worth watching.