A couple of notes on last week’s show. So, this was different… we started with a glimpse into Paula’s world. No, not Jupiter, I mean her other world: choreography. And oh how she was in her glory. You’ve got to hand it to her, the girl can dance, and I think she might have even been sober. Good for her. As far as the routine goes, I’m assuming it was meant to be funny, in which case they were all good sports. Whatever, and we cut directly (well, after a painful Ford commercial that featured – among other things – Anoop making cupcakes) to the elimination. Ryan began in full drama-mode as he looked upward and instructed, well, God I guess, to: “Dim the lights.” (Note that he also employed some kind of double shooting hand gesture, which is suspiciously reminiscent of Leather Tuscadero’s signature greeting.) Lil stood up, Ryan told her we need someone like her in this competition, and generally led her on in that smarmy way he has, which only served to elevate her a little so the thud would be louder when she dropped. And drop she did. Next up was a medley of disco classics performed by the original artists, and gloriously capped off with a performance by the recently exhumed K.C. of K.C. and the Sunshine Band. It was sad, really. So Anoop and Allison are on the chopping block, but first we get to see David Archuletta prove why he didn’t win last season. Hated the song. Despite his gosh-golly-Beaver-Cleaver-goodness, I thought the performance was spectacularly mediocre. Back to the elimination, and Anoop says goodbye. So it’s Lil and Anoop. Anybody surprised? I feel more nail-biting suspense waiting for the mail to come.
Before I forget to mention it, I’m sorry to inform you that you’re on your own next week. I will be on vacation and thefifthjudge site will be blogless. Feel free to talk amongst yourselves, though. Enjoy.
And on to tonight’s show… The theme is the Rat Pack, and the mentor is Jamie Foxx. Well, obviously. Apparently Tony Bennett and Harry Connick, Jr. had better things to do, and Quentin Tarantino couldn’t risk violating the restraining order that was issued after his last visit. I like Jamie Foxx, but I wouldn’t necessarily associate him with this kind of music. Let’s look at some lyrics from Jamie’s latest hit, “Blame It”:
Fill another cup up
Feeling on your butt-What?
You don’t even care now
I was unaware
How fine you was before my buzz set in
(My buzz set in)
Blame it on the Goose (goose)
Got you feeling loose (loose)
Blame it on Petron (‘tron)
Got you in the zone (zone)
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-al-co-hol
I don’t remember the Gershwins ever composing anything like that. Whatever. Okay, so it’s a bit of a stretch for Jamie to be the Rat Pack mentor, but they vaguely make a case for it, and at least the mentor is a musician this time around. I admit that I’m a bit sensitive around this week’s theme because, well, confession time: Although the soundtrack of my youth was 70’s/80’s music, I have always been a total freak for old movies, and the songs that went with them – anything Gershwin, Porter, Kern, etc. So I am a big fan of all these old standards that the Rat Pack performed, and a bit of a snob, so I’m feeling uneasy, yet cautiously optimistic.
Let’s check in with the judges first…Randy: Wristwatch you could land a helicopter on? Check. Love beads? Check. Mister Rogers’ cardigan sweater? Check. All is right with the world. Kara: Stunned, vacant gaze? Check. Nondescript wardrobe and accessories? Check. Thermostat set to “useless”? Check. Paula: Dinner napkins tucked into bra after a failed origami experiment? Check. Recently tucked and plucked mannequin face? Check. Seventeen pounds of shameless, cheap-Home-Shopping-Network-costume-jewelry-line self promotion? Check. (Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-al-co-hol? Check.) And Simon: Itchy gray sweater? No! Simon has gone with the gray tee-shirt instead! Someone’s feeling summer-y. Way to shake it up. Is this the first of many pleasant surprises this evening? Check.
Kris: Kris kicked off the evening with “The Way You Look Tonight” and did a really nice job. Very true to the original, and I have to say I was nervous that they would all try to put their own spin on it – and I was not up for an evening of these sacred songs being twisted into some kind of bastardized reggae arrangement. Big sigh of relief. I thought Kris was delectable in every way. Randy said was his best performance yet. Kara said he was the dark horse. Paula said it was near impeccable. Simon said it was a little bit “wet” and likened the performance to taking a well trained spaniel for a walk. Umm… Huh? Well what the hell does that mean? It’s bad enough that Paula makes no sense, Randy makes up words, and Kara constantly steps on her own tongue, but Simon is supposed to be the articulate one, and now even he makes no sense. I would like to invite all of the judges to attend a little seminar I’m giving called “Analogies, and Adjectives, and Similes, Oh My!” I think it would be useful. Back to Kris. Bottom Line: Moisture level aside, I thought it was great. Please do come back to me next week my little aperitif.
Allison: Allison sang “Someone To Watch Over Me.” Another fabulous classic. Here’s what’s weird, she’s a kid – barely 17, and she’s singing a song written 80 years ago, and her voice is perfect for it. I loved it. Randy said she was looking dope and she was singing like P!nk, but with 9,000 more octaves. Hey, don’t diss my girl P!nk – I love her (and frankly that girl is dicey, and she will cut you). Kara loved it. Paula said it was alluring and tender and she was very proud. Simon thought it was great, but said Allison didn’t seem confident that she could win, and has a horrible feeling she could be in trouble. I disagree, but at least his commentary was clear this time. Use your words, Simon. Good boy. Bottom Line: Simon had better be wrong on this one. I think she earned another week.
Matt: He sang “My Funny Valentine” – one of my favorite songs ever. Pretty good overall, but a little rough in some of the low notes. Randy said it was pitchy (yawn) and gave it a 6 out of 10. Kara didn’t feel he was emotionally connected. Paula felt the emotional connection, and said it was excellent. Simon thought it was authentic and brilliant (he loves to disagree with Randy). Well, no mixed messages there. Bottom Line: We all know Matt’s in trouble. It’s not that he’s not talented, but there are only five left and someone has to go…
Danny: So the creepy moment of the night was Jamie Foxx getting in Danny’s face and sampling his breath during the intro video. So strange. Anyway. Danny sang “Come Rain Or Come Shine” and it was another solid performance. I did find the end to be gratuitously screamy, but the vocal was rock solid. Randy loved it. Kara said that Danny’s been missing that Rat Pack swagger, and he had “swag” tonight. (Note to Kara: “swag” and “swagger” are not the same thing. “Swag” is an ornamental drapery.) Paula said it was stellar. Simon said it was outstanding. Can I just say that I’m really over that stupid thing Danny does every week now where he forms his hands into a heart shape. Who do you think you are, Pinky Tuscadero? Bottom Line: You weren’t the only one who had swagger tonight, but apparently you were the only one with ornamental drapery, so that ought to buy you another week.
Adam: You shouldn’t wear that suit unless you are uttering the following: “I am your host, Mr. Rourke. Welcome to Fantasy Island!” OK, so Adam sang “Feeling Good.” This song, to me, is really a different genre, but whatever. Once again, fantastic vocals. I really do wish, however, that he could sing those extended power notes without sticking out his tongue like he’s having some kind of anaphylactic reaction to a bee sting. Randy thought it was a little too theatrical, but good. Kara said it was confusing, and shocking, and sleazy (in a good way). Paula said it’s like watching the Olympics and he’s our Michael Phelps (Paula, I beg you to attend my seminar). Simon liked how Adam is in it to win it. Bottom Line: Tell Tattoo to bring you another cocktail and get the guests settled into their rooms. No one is going anywhere just yet.